Stand behind yer sheriff Circulation: 186,904,169 Issue: 196 | 24th day of Relaxing, Y7
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How I Saved Neopia From the Gleep: Part One

by tambourine_chimp


In the second floor bedroom of an average Neohome, an average Neopet slept soundly in her average bed, blissfully unaware that she was soon to be visited by two above average visitors.

      The pet in question was one Holly, a faerie Ixi with her head well and truly in the clouds. The visitors were…well, let's take a look, shall we? They should be arriving anytime soon…

      Ah! Yes, here they come. A star that had been twinkling brightly for the last hour and a half suddenly shot down from the skies, zigging and zagging on its descent over the suburbs of Neopia Central. As it did this it grew larger, looking more and more like a round metal orb with little flashing lights than an actual star.

      This is most likely because it was in fact a round metal orb with little flashing lights and most certainly not a real star at all. As this particular orb neared the many thatched rooftops of the average street Holly's average house was situated on, three little holes appeared in the bottom of its rounded surface, out of which three poles extended.

      Without a sound the metal orb landed on Holly's house, its tripod arranging itself until it could settle upright on the odd angle of the roof. Without a sound, a little doorway appeared, out of which floated two strange-looking figures. Without a sound, this odd pair floated down the side of the house and in through Holly's open bedroom window. With quite a lot of sound, they announced their presence and intentions to the room's only other occupant.

      "Awaken, Neopian!" they screeched in tinny unison. "You have been randomly selected to introduce us to your planet's culture before we decide whether to conquer it or not!"

      Maybe now would be a good time to mention that these particular visitors were in fact an alien race known as the Gleep, and they had travelled thousands of light-years to extend their interstellar conquest where none of their kind had tried to conquer before.

      Gleepians were best described as eggs that have spent too long in a dark musty cupboard before being transferred to Sloth's laboratories for further mutation experiments. They were covered in what looked like sticky green fur, a three fanged mouth, tentacle-like arms and two eyes…one on top of the other.

      They weren't very nice aliens, either.


     As Holly was abruptly awoken from her dreams of skydiving into a field of Babaa wool by the ear-splitting orders of her visitors, she sat up in her bed hesitantly, rubbing away at her weary eyes. When she could fully see the two aliens, she immediately wished she hadn't, letting out a short, sharp squeak of fear before diving back under the covers.

      Breathing heavily under her blanket, the Ixi tried valiantly to calm herself down. It's only a dream, she told herself with an unsure yet wise nod. I seem to have awoken from my nice dream only to be in a horrible dream…nothing wrong with that, it probably happens all the time. If I pinch myself, I'll wake up and they'll be gone…ready?




      Okay, okay, so I'm awake for sure now, and they're gone. They must be gone, they have to be gone…I mean, if they weren't gone then they'd be real only they can't be real because I was dreaming just now and if I wasn't then why did I just pinch myself? She thought this bit of frenzied rationalizing through once again, her brow furrowed. I think that made sense…

      "Woohoo," she called faintly in the vain belief that if she were quiet enough then the aliens wouldn't hear her, therefore not answer her and prove themselves to be dreams and now gone. "Little aliens…? You're not floating by my feet anymore, are you? No? Good…"

      "Actually, yes we are!" a tinny voice snapped impatiently. "And if this is how you all act, then our conquest will be simple!"

      "Indeed, Conqueror One! If they all stay under their covers, muttering quietly to themselves, then they shouldn't notice their planet becoming Gleep II!"

      "Conquer…? Gleep II?" Finding her night's intruders more absurd then scary now, Holly risked pulling her blanket down past her eyes, which were now staring cautiously at the two floating aliens. "You guys aren't serious, are you? You want to try and conquer us? Why, you haven't even got to know us yet!"

      "What do you expect us to do, sell you carpets door-to-door first?" one of them, the one named Conqueror One, asked in sarcastic disbelief. "A surprise attack is the best, all superpowers know that!"

      "Yeah, well when you happen to meet a superpower on your travels, tell them they're very clever, okay?" Holly muttered mockingly, lying back down and attempting to return to her woolly fields.

      "We are one of the greatest superpowers this galaxy has ever known!" the second Gleep exclaimed angrily at this impudent show of blatant disrespect.

      "Oh, really?" growled the Ixi, considering it best to get rid of her unwelcome guests before attempting to sleep again. "Then why, if you just so happen to conquer Neopia, would you call it Gleep II? Two isn't a very big empire for a 'superpower' such as you like to think yourselves as…"

      "The Neopian knows too much!" the alien shrieked worriedly. "Shall I prepare the Obliteratron ZL68?"

      "Negative, Conqueror Two," Conqueror One order with a halting rise of its right tentacle. "This creature may be clever, but they are no match for our combined war fleets back home…now, little Neopian -"

      "That's great, coming from you," Holly snapped with a withering look.

      "You, little Neopian," One repeated, not willing to show any signs of how angry they were to have been interrupted by an underling. "You will now proceed to introduce us to your planet's culture…or my friend here will be allowed to use the Obliteratron ZL68 on you!"

      "Right, fine, whatever…just after breakfast, okay? It's Monday, so that means Waffle Morning, and you wouldn't like me when I miss my waffles."

      "Disobedient wretch! You dare defy us, your galactic superiors yet again?! Conqueror Two, prepare the…wait, did you mention waffles?" the alien asked with hidden interest.

      "Yeah, why'd you ask? It's not like you've ever heard of them," Holly mumbled as sleep began to beckon her once more into its peaceful arms of safety diving goodness.

      "Correction, back on Gleep, waffles are one of our two main food groups!"

      "Really, and what's the second?" asked Holly with a yawn.

      "Maple syrup…"


     After she had finished her breakfast, Holly thought it best to take a few leftover waffles up to her room for the would-be dominators of Neopia. As they sat on their furry rounded bottoms on her bed (leaving horrid clumps of moulting green fur on her blanket, but Holly thought it best to mention anything in case she found out what this "Obliteratron ZL68" really was), she sat and stared at them intently as they munched away at their meal.

      "So," she began in a tone she hoped was inconspicuous, "you're aliens from another planet, huh?"

      "I would usually have retorted with a witty remark of sarcasm if my mind weren't already fully focused on the delights of this flour and egg-based culinary meal," Conqueror One muttered with a silencing wave of its tentacle.

      "Are, you know, all Gleeps as big as you?" the Ixi asked softly, knowing full well that what she really meant was small, but decided against it.

      "Certainly not!" scoffed Conqueror Two, spraying green mucus-covered globs of chewed-up waffle onto Holly's sheets. "Only the tallest of our kind become Conquerors! The rest of Gleep are nearly a head shorter then us!"

      "Wait, you have heads?" asked the Faerie Ixi, staring more intently for any signs of where their face stopped and their body began.

      "You know what we meant, it was merely a measurement we thought you'd understand," belched Conqueror One, wiping his tri-fanged mouth with a greasy tentacle. "Those were good waffles, but on a universal scale I only give them VIII out of X."

      It took some time for Holly to translate these into numbers, but when she did, her brow furrowed. "8 out of 10?" she exclaimed incredulously, snatching the empty plates away from the bloated aliens. "And what, may I ask, was so wrong with my owner's waffles?"

      "You may ask," Conqueror Two muttered graciously, "and in fact there was nothing wrong with the waffles themselves…"

      "Then what caused you to refuse us the two numerals?"

      "Two words, one for each point; knife and fork. You do have them on this primitive planet, I hope? Or is that another thing we must introduce when we take over?"

      "We have them, all right," Holly growled angrily, "I just thought that they would be hard to use with those wretched tentacles of yours…and what do you mean 'when you take over?' What else do you intend to introduce to us?"

      "Manners," the two Gleep announced in unison before rising into the air and sweeping out of the door to resume their examination into Neopia's culture and whether it would be worth conquering.

      This was something Holly had every intention of stopping…even if it meant playing dirty…

To Be Continued...

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