There are ants in my Lucky Green Boots Circulation: 96,860,727 Issue: 187 | 22nd day of Eating, Y7
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So Ye'd Like ta be a Pirate...


by hermionechochang

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KRAWK ISLAND - Arrr, so ye scurvy landlubbers've come ta hear Cap'n Threelegs's first-class rules fer actin' like a pirate, eh? Haharr, well, pull up a chair an' open up them ears. This here Blumaroo be Buffer, me former boatswain an’ current assistant. Go 'way now Buffer, yer ugly mug's scarin' all me students. Ahem, now before we begin, how'd ye waisters like ta hear about how I lost me leg? What! Ye don't? Fine, deprive yerselves of a wondrous, wallopin’ tale. Now on to me lesson!

I don’t suppose many of ye fancy the ideer of livin’ the life of a pirate. Frankly, I don’t blame ya. Me, I’ve changed me ways, and sworn ta never again pillage and/or plunder. Many pirates can be real nasty-like an’ some of ‘em don’t care a diddlysquat about others. But that don’t mean actin’ like a pirate don’t come in handy; specially here on Krawk Island, where tourists are unpopular. And pirate impressions can be great fun at parties (unless some landlubber’s doin’ a very insultin’ impression of you). Let’s begin, shall we?

1. Ne'er try ter be nice’n’polite when dealin' with a pirate. A nice swashbuckler'll be lucky if he can even buckle 'is own boots! Harr, buckle 'is boots ain't that priceless?

2. Don't pass up the opportunity ta exaggerate if ye can help it. Me whales of tales aren't just good, they're gran'n'glorious! Argh, stop yer snickerin' Buffer or ye'll walk the plank! Aha, that leads me to my next rule...

3. If someun’ be pesterin' ye, threaten 'em with walkin' the plank! Hahaharr! (Course, if ye don’t have a plank, the bluff’s fer nothin’)

4. Pirates’re superstitious an’ scared silly of anythin’ that can make them ghosties haunt our ships. A cap’n always keeps a dubloon by the mast ta preserve ‘is crew an’ booty. Not that yer old Cap’n Threelegs believes in that codswallop, right Buffer me hearty? What in the name of Star Fish Sandwiches are ye doin’ whistlin’ like that! Ye’ve jinxed us all now!

5. No talkin’ dandy-like! Ye best be rid of yer fancy airs and “how der ye do’s” and the like. An’ ne’er lemme hear ye addin’ a “g” to the end of any verb or anythin’ like that. The words be sailin’, swashbucklin’, and shammin’, d’ya hear? What did ye say ta me Jack o’Coins, ye filthy deck swabber!

6. Hehe, this be Buffer the boatswain an’ I be takin’ over fer a while because the Cap’n is in a bit of an argument right now. He’s bellowin’ to old Jack o’ Coins about somethin’ or other. *loud crash* Ow, that carn’t be good.

7. Anyways, Buffer (that’s me) will continue with the lesson. Aherm, well, no self-respectin’ pirate would ever be caught dead wearin’ anythin’ that isn’t tough. Take that crazy rainbow frock ye be wearin,’ lass. Whaddaya mean that’s yer skin? Oh, it’s so, isn’t it? Er, goin’ on...

8. Now pirates, they don’t take shenanigans from no un. If ye be timid, there ain’t no way ye can have the air of a pirate. NE’er let no UN push ya around. An’ if they try any fishy (haharr, fishy) stuff, you go an’ bellow at 'em ‘til their ears fall off. That’s what the Cap’n (bless his heart) does to Buffer ‘ere. Not that I’m complainin’ or nothin’. *grumble*

9. Garr, Jack o’Coins, just ye wait, ye’ll pay fer insultin’ me poor ole mum like that! And I stand by what I said, ye was born the son of a barnacle! Er, sorry bout that students. Cap’n Threelegs just had some business ta attend to. Anyway, thankee fer teachin’ me class, Buffer, now be a good boatswain and swab the deck, er, I mean mop the floor.

10. Now, to continue with...DR. SLOTH! What do ye think ye be doin’ here? I’ll round up some nasty pirates and have ye thrown off this island if ye have any fishy stuff planned!

/Dr. Sloth/ Calm yourself, Threelegs. I am here in order to, er, know the do’s and don’t of bein’ a pirate. Um, arr.

/Captain Threelegs/ Why in the name of me Aunt Sopy do ye want ta learn how ta act like a pirate?

/Dr. Sloth/ (whisper) Well, uh don’t tell anyone, but my mother thinks being a pirate will dissuade anymore plans of world domination. Which is utter nonsense by the way since it will only add to my nastiness. But shh, it’s very embarrassing.

11. Right, erm, now that our new student is situated—

/Dr. Sloth/ (in ominous voice) Dead Neopians tell no tales. *students shrink away*

—I can continue. Any good pirate’ll tell ye that weapons are essential components of what makes a pirate. Me personal favorite is the cutlass, but there’re all sorts of weapons out there. It all depends on what ye’re comfortable with. Some other trusty weapons are dirks, swords—

/Dr. Sloth/ What about ray guns capable of taking out whole continents? *panicky student lets out unearthly shriek*

Now Dr. Sloth, if ye carn’t behave, out ye go. Take comfort lassie, I won’t let mean ole Sloth harm ye. About the weapons, if need be, ye can use some firepower. But then again, cannons’re very difficult ta lug about. However, ye all don’t look ta be too violent (no offense intended, Dr. Sloth), so maybe ye can just go out an’ buy the toy weapons, eh? They’ll look equally impressive.

12. Last but not least, every good pirate needs a sturdy vessel. I adored that blessed brig, Esmeercadia. Aye, it was the best ship I ever laid eyes on. That ole Jack o’Coins prefers his shabby craft, the Peophintine. The barnacle-back never had good taste like me. Now, what kind of ships do ye all fancy?

/Rainbow Korbat/ Caravels!

/Yellow Mynci/ Galleons!

/Dr. Sloth/ Alien spaceships abounding with laser rays of doom!

That’s it Sloth, get out right this minute! I won’t have ye soiling me innocent academy any longer. Out! *kicks Dr. Sloth out with peg leg*

That’s all fer today, students. Keep me rules in mind and may yer sails always be overflowin’ with cheerful breezes!

HermioneCC here and if you’re reading this, either my article was put in the Neopian Times, or you’ve hacked into my computer and stolen all my writing. Hopefully it’s the former. Please, don’t hesitate to Neomail me with comments!

 
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