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A Critique of My New Home’s Library

by the_spirit_realm


Greetings, my friends! You probably don’t recognise me from the last time we spoke; back then I was critiquing the food in the Neopian Pound and how I petitioned to have some form of Gourmet meal at least once a week.

     (yes, this request was summarily rejected, and no, Dr_Death did not accuse me of not being able to understand how budgets worked. Anyway).

     A few months ago, I was a Gelert languishing in peasantry. My fur, albeit a beautiful sapphire that shone like the sea itself, was in vast need of an upgrade, but of course, you’re not going to get that in the Pound. But as luck would have it, my sponsor saw great potential in me, and promptly supplied me with a Kougra Morphing Potion, and a Royal Paint Brush. Now, I have become the pet and royalty that I was destined to be.

     Now, my new home has a library. My sibling, Sab, is incredibly well-read, and was generous enough to allow me to enter her domain and become as well-read as she. The trouble is, some of these tomes are incredibly boring. Since I know not everyone has an as excellent taste as I, I have decided to write this article to tell you exactly what to avoid. After all, if it’s not good enough for me, it’s definitely not good enough for you, because we all deserve the best.

     (Disclaimer: these are lordbarny’s opinion and certainly not the ones of the person transcribing this article. They should be taken with a bucket full of Salt Motes and you should form your own opinions, despite what our resident royal says).

     1. The Joys of Shearing, by Woolly Yellowfur.

     lordbarny’s rating: 2/10

     His review: Whilst I can certainly appreciate the tips on how to maintain a beautifully developed coat, the fact remains that this book is squarely focusing on Gnorbus, who have a very different fur type than myself. As the book is not specifically about me, I cannot relate. Next!

     2. Making Faerie Friends, by Orchid Bluewings.

     lordbarny’s rating: 5/10

     His review: Much like myself, the faeries of Neopia are stunningly beautiful and make for wonderful conversation, particularly over a pot of Extra Strength Terry Berry Tea and a plate of Faerie Sparklecakes. On the other hand, faeries have the ability to fly away from you if they find you boring (which has never happened to me, I assure you), so I would advise you to make friends with caution.

     3. Maraquan Study Guide, by Dr Shell Pink.

     lordbarny’s rating: 4/10

     His review: Maraqua is certainly a culturally rich place with plenty to do and sights to see; Kelp is a favourite haunt of mine, where I listen to the Narwhool’s sing whilst enjoying a cold glass of Foozette Juice. But that’s the thing with Maraqua; it’s cold and wet. So much so that any outfit I put on that day is ruined the minute I step outside. For the sophisticated pet, I wouldn’t advise studying this miserable place and head to Mystery Island instead.

     4. Mathematical Cooking, by Al Gebra.

     lordbarny’s rating: 0/10

     His review: We royals have many things to do, like putting together outfits for our many engagements, sending Neomails back and forth to correspond with diplomats from other lands (transcriber’s note: he means his friends across the street), and reading books on other noble subjects. You’ll note that none of those things involves cooking your own food, or solving complicated equations that make you rip your mane out by the handful. Avoid at all costs.

      5. A History of Moehogs, by Mo Deloria.

     lordbarny’s rating: 1/10

     His review: Why on earth would you want to learn about the history of anything other than royalty? Moehogs like to rush around all day and stamp in the mud, getting their clothes filthy and their manes tangled. My advice to you is to pick up a tome laying out the wonderful history of the Unis, who are dainty creatures that understand the benefit of mane detangler and straighteners.

     6. Monsters of the Deep, by Bravia Singer.

     lordbarny’s rating: -5/10 (allowed after careful consideration)

     His review: No. No, no, no, absolutely not. This book goes into terrifying detail about what creatures lurk in the depths of the Underwater Fishing Cavern, and I for one am having absolutely none of it. They even have pictures for Fyora’s sake; how many young pets will this give nightmares? I’m going to write a letter of complaint to the publishers. (transcriber’s note: the transcriber apologises in advance).

     7. Mutations in Kacheeks, by Doctor Sloth (actually written by Professor Chesterpot but Doctor Sloth claimed credit). lordbarny’s rating: 1/10

     His review: Another sickening example of what happens when you drink those dreadful transmogrification potions. These poor Kacheeks look quite ghastly. I’m tempted to start a fundraiser so they can all buy Royal Paint Brushes instead, so they won’t crack mirrors every time they look at one. I gave this frightening tome one point because it does provide excellent inspiration for Halloween costumes.

     8. Adventures in Writing, by the Library Faerie

     lordbarny’s rating: 4/10

     His review: I find it absurd and preposterous that anyone would think I would need to learn how to write. I have always been quick and clever with words, and certainly no help is needed from any faerie with an expensive education. I manage just perfectly on my own, self-taught, thank you very much. Less literate pets may however find this useful.

     9. All about Air Faeries, by the Cumulus Sisters

     lordbarny’s rating: 3/10

     His review: These faeries are prettier than me, and I don’t like that. When I asked what paint brushes they used to achieve this look, they became very offended and hid all of my mane brushes, so I looked a fright all that week. They are frightfully mean and ill-tempered. Water Faeries make much better reading subjects.

     10. Neopets and Dungeons, by Dave Gygax

     lordbarny’s rating: 5/10

     His review: This involves a lot of maths and dice rolling, which is rather difficult with paws. Whilst there is a certain appeal to being able to play a beautiful faerie character with the most lustrous wings in all of Neopia, there are a lot of rules you have to abide by. I ask you, what fun is it when your Dungeon Lord tells you that no, barny, there isn’t a spell that can make a castle grow out of thin air when you’re camping in the middle of the Lost Desert. Utterly preposterous.

     And there you have it, my wonderful friends, ten books to avoid from your favourite Royal Kougra himself. My very own book, “How to be as Wonderful as lordbarny,” is a work in progress. I should dictate another chapter to my scribe…

     (transcriber’s note: I couldn’t think of a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon…)


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