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Neopian Nibbles: The Best of Neovia's Crumpetmonger

by riss_chan


Ah, Neovia, an eerily quiet town home to a peculiar yet charming folk. Strolling through the cobblestone streets it is readily apparent that there is a rich history here. Of particular note is the renowned Crumpetmonger; the scents of fresh baked goods cling to the fog-filled air and provide a sense of warmth to an otherwise cold and dreary atmosphere. Walking inside the quaint shop you are greeted by a boisterous and friendly Meerca. She ushers you in and urges you to purchase some of her treats, lest she eat them all herself — they are just THAT good. The wide selection is dazzling and drool-worthy, which can make it difficult to settle on what to order. Thankfully for you, pastry “experts” Riss (riss_chan) and Sammy (ciarza) have done the hard work for you! We have sampled and reviewed some of the Crumpetmonger’s most popular dishes, to make it easier for you to decide during your next visit!

     Bearog Claw

     This sweet, crunchy treat is almost too cute to eat! Made to look like the Bearog Petpet, this pastry has three adorable faces staring back at you, and it is clear that this particular item is crafted with love and attention to detail. Try the Chocolate covered as well, both are equally delicious! 9/10

     Fudge-Smothered Eclair

     When they say smothered, they mean it! You may even have a bit of trouble finding the eclair beneath all of that fudge! While the chocolate may be a bit too rich for some, if you ask the two of us there is no such thing as too much chocolate. Fellow fudges fans, this one is for you! 7/10

     Mini Crumpets

     Fairly standard fare, these mini crumpets are sold in half dozen batches. Although they claim half the size and twice the taste, we would have to respectfully disagree. Just a little too hard and just a little too dry for our liking. We would have hoped for a little more “pop” from the mini crumpets, although they were certainly edible. 4/10

     Honey Crumpet

     Ah the honey crumpet!! What a huge difference a little bit of honey makes, transforming an otherwise bland and dry pastry into a moist and perfectly sweetened delicacy. This crumpet is served with a thick coat of golden deliciousness which is sure to make your taste buds sing. Without a doubt, honey is the quintessential crumpet topping- positively scrumptious. 10/10

     Lemon Scone

     Zesty lemon curd bursts out of this homemade scone with each bite. The lightly sweetened pastry balances the acidic tang of the lemon, creating an equilibrium of flavors sure to satisfy even the most discerning palate…. Just be careful not to get it on your shirt. 8/10

     Pumpkin Roll

     We wanted to love the Pumpkin Roll. The Crumpetmonger prefaced our tasting by bragging about how in the autumn season red, blue, green and yellow Neopets line up for blocks to purchase them. We don’t understand why basic Neopets love the Pumpkin Roll so much, it was honestly pretty dry. 2/10


     This punny pastry in the shape of a Kau gets points for making us laugh. Light and buttery, it is an ideal way to start any morning. There is also a chocolate-covered version of the Kaussant, which is perfect when you are looking for something to satisfy your sweet tooth, possibly for dessert or a particularly indulgent breakfast. Like we said before, the more chocolate the better! 8/10

     Tombstone Cupcake

     Aesthetically, this cupcake felt the most Neovian of all the pastries we sampled. The tombstone topping truly conveys the ominous and mysterious nature of Neovia. It’s signature “Coffin and skeleton filling” provides an earthy flavor with a pleasant, if not slightly gritty texture. We both agreed, this cupcake is to DIE for! 6/10

     Eyeball Cupcake

     I… Is... Is that a real eyeball on there? Surely it can’t be… it was as though this dish was staring into my soul, and we could hardly muster the courage to take a bite. But when we did? Heaven, pure heaven. It was soft and moist, very moist in fact. Oozing may even be the word to describe it. Perhaps this delightful sensation was from the eye? If it is, we don’t want to know… All we can know for sure is that we would definitely order this again. 9/10.

     Strawberry Grarrl Petit Fours

     These gourmet bite-sized cakes were flying off of the shelves quickly; it seemed the Crumpetmonger could hardly make enough to keep up with demand. After much waiting, we were able to get our hands on some and were eager to see if they lived up to the hype. The strawberries were fresh and of the highest quality, and the cake moist and perfectly fluffy. Our only wish was for a bigger portion. I mean you get THREE petit FOURS… that math’s not checking out with us. However, if you don’t mind spending a long time waiting, the Grarrl Petit Fours are certainly worth the time -- just maybe bring a book with you. 8/10

     Drumstick pie

      “What could be better than drumsticks in a pie?” they say. Well, let us tell you: literal garbage would be better than this. First off, the presentation leaves much more to be desired as drumsticks are simply jammed inside the pie wherever they will fit. Upon taking a bite the sheer amount of grease that pooled in our mouths was stomach-churning. To top it off, Sammy’s Kougra chipped a tooth on one of the dozen bones that were haphazardly left in the pie. Even 0/10 seems too generous a rating.

     Negg Pie

     This piping hot pie is filled with a plethora of delicious neggs. It is truly a beautiful sight to behold once you crack open the fairly plain looking shell and a brilliant rainbow of color appears before you. The Negg Pie was enjoyed by all in our group, although not by a local Tonu who immediately broke out in a case of the Neezles upon taking a bite. The Crumpetmonger was entirely apologetic and offered him some complimentary (negg free) pastries for his trouble, which we thought was rather classy. 5/10

     Fish Pie

     We’ll be honest with you, when this fish pie was presented to us, we certainly had our doubts. Immediately a scent that could only be described as “low tide at the harbor” filled the air. If the Crumpetmonger did not eagerly stand there awaiting our reaction, we likely would have discarded our pies behind a nearby plant. With trepidation we each took a bite and immediately experienced an explosion of flavor. Savory, salty and rich - the fish pie exceeded all expectations of what a pie SHOULD be and beyond. If not for the smell, we agreed this would have been our favorite dish, but all things considered, it is still a solid 9/10.

     While these pastries are certainly not all the Crumpetmonger has to offer, we simply could not stuff in another bite. Most everything was delicious, but our biggest criticism would be that we left rather parched; it would be nice to see some coffees or teas added to the menu to wash down the pastries. Overall our visit was truly delightful, and we will certainly be back to sample the rest of the menu at another time. When you find yourself in Neovia be sure to visit this gem of a shop because a trip to Neovia is not complete without paying a visit to the famous Crumpetmonger!


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