Legendary Lennies of Neopia
Welcome, dear readers, to this very special edition of the Neopian Times: Legends and Folklore! Today it is our honour to present you with an exclusive interview of four legendary Lennies: the fabulous Finneus of Altador; the great and wise Lenny Conundrum Wizard; the mysterious Duchess; and, finally, the Lightning Lenny himself!
Your hosts today are the two of us: Duckie the Baby Lenny and Glymmer the Faerie Lenny. Needless to say, we are thrilled and a little star-struck to have the opportunity to interview these mythical Lennies. Let’s get started!
Finneus of Altador
Glymmer (attempting to play it cool, but not succeeding): Mr. Finneus! Thank you for taking the time to speak with today us. I mean, us today. Can you tell our readers how you came to be Head Archivist of the Altadorian Archives? What a prestigious position!
Finneus, creakily: Well, sonny, I was a bookbinder for many long years under the great Dinius, the previous Head Archivist. When he retired, I was asked to take on a short term contract to replace him, given my natural aptitudes for archival work.
Glymmer, checking his notes, flustered and confused: I -- a short term contract? I thought you’d been Head Archivist for over thirteen years!
Finneus: I have. It turns out, prestigious as it is, no-one else wants the job. It gets a little repetitive, you know, being the keeper of the Book of Ages and helping Neopians solve the Altador Plot year after year. So my contract was renewed... and renewed... I am now, like that chandelier there, quite a permanent fixture at the Archives.
Glymmer, in a starry-eyed whisper: You are as brilliant as the chandelier, too. Ah, I see! Quite! Ahem -- we have a question from a reader for you, she enquires: "Every time I talk to you, you're looking for your Meepit plushie. Have you found it?"
Finneus: No. Well, yes. But then I lost it again. I am excellent at keeping track of books, but other things, not so much. I'm off to look for it. Its name is Lucky. Send word if you see it!
Glymmer: Will do, sir! Thank you! Duckie, you're up!
Lenny Conundrum Wizard
Duckie: A fun fact for our audience -- our second panelist is actually Finneus’ nephew... The Lenny Conundrum Wizard! We call him CW for short. So, Mr. CW, you are the second super smart Lenny we’re interviewing today. I myself have an intelligence of ULTIMATE GENIUS (3176), but that’s trivial compared to you! Tell us about your education!
CW: I was mentored in Faerie City by the Library Faerie. I was a young scrap without a home, parents or uncle - you see, Altador had not yet been rediscovered by the rest of Neopia. I went to the book shop every day. I had a keen interest in maths and puzzles, and the Library Faerie was kind enough to let me read from her collection. I guess you can say I was self-taught, but she enabled my early learning! In my youth, I helped manage the Faerie Crosswords when she went on vacation!
Duckie: She certainly deserves a few days off! How fortunate of you to have met each other. Let’s fast forward to the early days of the Lenny Conundrum contest. How did that come about?
CW: You know, back in the day, there were already contests for just about everything else. The Beauty Contest, Gourmet Club, Neohome Spotlight, Petpet League, Captions… But nothing for people who enjoyed logic and riddles. There was a wealthy benefactor, a patron of the book store, who offered to sponsor the new contest if I agreed to host. A multi-million Neopoint prize pool for each riddle I concocted! It was the perfect opportunity to do what I loved and encounter the most brilliant minds of Neopia.
Duckie: Which puzzle was your favorite?
CW: I like the unsolved ones the best! The times when prize pool ended up being split amongst 6,000 winners really made me reevaluate my life…
Duckie: Indeed! My research tells me that the contest is no longer running as of Y15. What happened?
CW: Our benefactor moved on to sponsoring the Games Master Challenge. AAA was brainy too, and his event seemed to have more appeal… *sniffles* I’m sorry. This is a tough subject for me.
Duckie: There, there. :(
CW: I’ve been essentially unemployed for the last six years… sigh… These days I’ve gone back to helping the Library Faerie. It pays the bills, but the difficulty is really just not on the same level as Lenny Conundrum. I mostly spend my time making fun of pets who don’t get the easy answers. Like, what’s a seven-letter Neopet species with long ears? A Cybunny, obviously!
Duckie: Um, is the Library Faerie okay with this?
CW: Not really. She kicks me out when she catches me doing it. I probably deserve it. You lose a lot of feathers getting kicked out of the library, by the way.
Duckie: As a fellow Lenny, I sympathise with the molting! Well, regardless of what happened, you’re still legendary to Glymmer and me! We wish you the best of luck with your career change. Onto the next panelist!
Glymmer, sweating visibly: It is now our very great honour to welcome... The Duchess.
The Duchess, looking down her beak at him: Are you always so... moist?
Glymmer: Haha -- well -- it isn't every day the head of a dark secret society agrees to interview. Please don’t hurt us, we aren’t important or wealthy… ahem... we are told you are the leader of the Sway, would you tell us about that?
The Duchess: That is false. All rumours and unsubstantiated allegations. I am a kindly old widow who lives a quiet life in the countryside. The only reason I came here today is because I need to speak to the Lightning Lenny, who is otherwise impossible to get ahold of.
Glymmer: But, the interview, the Sway--
The Duchess: The Sway? Pish tosh. I don’t know who or what the Sway is. Is it a dance move you young ruffians enjoy? I garden in my spare time. And knit, I like knitting. And other harmless, old Lenny lady things, like… baking? Baking. Pies. Nothing to see here. Lightning, a word when you're done, please, there’s a certain contract I need you to fulfill…
Glymmer: Erm -- alright, moving on, then, to:
Duckie: Our fourth and final panelist, Lightning Lenny, is a famous hero from the Defenders of Neopia Series Two! Hey Lightning!
Lightning, speaking rapidly: Hey there Duckie it’s so good to be here how is everyone doing today!!
Duckie: Whoa, slow down! Not all of us are as speedy as you! My first question is something I think everyone wants to know: can you run on water?
Lightning: The answer is YES, but, you know, I really gotta be careful lining up myself up in the right direction! This one time, I handled some bad guys on Krawk Island, pillaging where they oughtn’t and all, and I get a call to head on over to Mystery Island, a quick skip over the drink, right? Wrong! In my adrenaline rush after putting the miscreants in their place, I went WEST toward the sun rather than EAST. After a LOT of ocean, I ended up in the Lost Desert!
Duckie: Oh no! I hope you stopped to spin the Fruit Machine while you were there! Next question for you: curious readers want to know, which Defenders of Neopia villain was the most notable to you?
Lightning: Lady Frostbite was real chill to deal with, hehe, do you see what I did there? But seriously, taking down Eyrieki was my crowning moment -- a bird of few words, ya know, he had been mummified for thousands of years and was a little confused! His rampage through Sahkmet was justified, albeit messy for us to clean up, but hey, it’s not every day you get to fight a creature of such ancient magic! It was a thrill!
Duckie: We’re so grateful you saved Sakhmet! Tell us, who designed your uniform?
Lightning: Judge Hog. He thinks we all look really good in the colours he picks for us and we just roll with it. My only problem is you wouldn’t believe how many uniforms I go through a month, with all the friction from running! You’d think someone would’ve found a more abrasion-resistant material by now!
Duckie: I guess you’re the only one on Neopia with superspeed and this problem… Bet you get all your chores done fast, though!
Lightning: If I put my mind to it, they’re done before you even take a step in real time!
Duckie: Listen, I’ve got a few loads of laundry to fold…
Lightning: Look elsewhere, my yellow friend, they don’t pay me to organize your blankies!
Duckie: It was worth a try! Um -- I’ll let you go now, it looks like the Duchess really wants to speak to you...
Duckie: That concludes our interview of Neopia’s Legendary Lennies! Thank you so much to all of our guests for having taken the time to come by today. We are so thankful and freshly educated! And we weren’t nervous at all, right Glym?
Glymmer: Absolutely. We were cool and collected and not intimidated in the least. We are also definitely not worried that The Duchess is going to put a price on our heads. Everything is fine.
Duckie: We’ll see you next time for another round of interviews with equally fascinating guests. This is Duckie and Glymmer signing off!