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The Coconut: Introducing a New Mascot

by parody_ham


          Today we’re unveiling Neopia’s newest source of information: The Coconut. Chock-full of all the most widely asked questions and mostly factual stories, we’ll be the ones delivering the pinnacle of quality to your front door. Or back door. Or dimensional gateway. We’re not picky with our customers or delivery locations. We’ll deliver newspapers via flaming coconuts, so make sure to duck!

     Representing this most monumental of occasions will be our new mascot, Mr. Coconut himself. And interviewing this flaming ball of excitement will be our top reporter, Lena. A veteran of the field best known for her groundbreaking work at the Battleground of the Obelisk, Lena has served the Neopian public since year one. She is well known for her use of “emphasis quotation marks” and dry wit.

     Lena: Thanks, mysterious narration reporter, I do my best. And it’s true. I love a good “emphasis quotation mark” here and there. It really fancies everything up, I think.

     As the disembodied voice of a narrator, I am honored to be acknowledged, dearest reporter. Alright, Lena, shall we interview our esteemed guest here?

     Lena: Let’s shall.

     Hailing from the enigmatic Haunted Woods, this coconut has traveled the world spreading cheer and goodwill. He is a known philanthropist, often giving to Neopians in need. A huge supporter of the arts, this coconut has made his mark supporting operatic theater, jazz festivals, and poetry slams. His smooth baritone voice has filled the Neopia Central Concert Hall on many occasions, selling out almost every show. Starting today, he will be The Coconut’s one and only mascot: Mr. Coconut!

     Mr. Coconut: GOOD NIGHT!

     Lena: And don’t worry, readers at home. I am well versed in the language of flaming coconut. I will be serving as both interviewer and translator for our interview today.

     And I, the narrator, will provide informative commentary throughout this process.

     This coconut is a gallant sort, a stout fellow that is sometimes a fruit, sometimes a nut, and occasionally a seed. A complex individual, Mr. Coconut is a known connoisseur of fancy tops, and has written multiple books along with his associate, the esteemed Mr. Sneky, on their use in everyday life. Likewise, he has written about the scourge of fancy pants, and why the garment will never look posh on a dapper coconut. Or Kiko, for that matter. To this day, Kikos remain the most significant supporters and purchasers of his four guides on the subject.

     Mr. Coconut: GOOD NIGHT!

     Lena: Our friend here is saying that has long valued the input and charismatic wit of Mr. Sneky, known by some as Sir Snakest the Third Esquire. The two of them insert personal life experience into their work, regaling their poignant struggles in the aisles of clothing stores, the hardships of sacrificing style for practicality, the meaning of existence in this crazy, crazy world. All the things that tortured artists think about on the daily.

     In his quest to find the perfect fancy garment, Mr. Coconut wrote endless passages for magazines and newspapers recounting the struggles of being a sentient being unable to wear pants. In this brave retelling of his daily struggle, he touched the hearts of thousands. Countless letters of appreciation and support poured in from around the world.

     Mr. Coconut: GOOD NIGHT!

     Lena: Our friend here admits to shedding more than his fair share of tears to achieve his quest of a more perfect vestment. He tried jackets, top hats, and even the occasional monocle but nothing felt like him. The support and care he received from his fans carried him through tough days.

     Mr. Coconut: GOOD NIGHT!

     Lena: But now, he has found a niche in a most wondrous garment and is most pleased by the results. Aw, there there, Mr. Coconut. You don’t have to cry anymore! You’re an incredibly talented fellow who is finally getting the respect that he deserves.

     Mr. Coconut: Goooooood Niiiiiiiight.

     Lena: And we’re lucky to know you too! Oh, right. He says that he’s lucky to know us. How sweet, right? Isn’t this guy the greatest?

     There is more than a love of clothing for this coconut, however dapper and regal his appearance in it. Within his hard, exterior shell exists the soul of a champion, a lover of the people, and a passionate performer.

     Ever since he was a youngster, our friend dreamed of a life on the big stage where he could share his bursting exuberance with Neopia. But despite his many days of singing for tips in a jar, it seemed that no Neopian would ever give him the “life-changing chance.” That is, until a certain producer, the great Har Money, came upon him whilst eating a bologna sandwich under the shade of his tree. Until this point, our coconut friend had yet to leave home. It was a big world out there! Where would he stay? How would he live? Would they serve coffee until 9amNST? All these questions badgered his mind.

     Lena: Where did you find your love of musical theater and song?

     Mr. Coconut: GOOD NIGHT!

     Lena: Ah! Yes, that makes sense. Neopians would often come to practice their plays under the shade of his coconut tree home. The more they sang and danced, twirling like spinning galaxies just out of reach, the more he knew that performance was his life’s dream.

     Once Har Money heard Coconut’s pipes, the old Skeith with fraying gray hair, trim beard, and tightly fitting suit, called him down. That month, Mr. Coconut performed to a packed playhouse and received a standing ovation for his rendition of the Meepit Juice Break theme. Merchandise related to that show now sells for hundreds of thousands of Neopoints.

     Lena: And how do you feel about being The Coconut’s mascot? Were you surprised by the nomination?

     Mr. Coconut: GOOD NIGHT!

     Lena: No need to be so modest, my friend! You’re more than deserving of this opportunity. And just think of how many sentient coconuts will be inspired to pursue artistic careers because of you!

     Mr. Coconut: Good, good night.

     Lena: He’s saying that if he can be an inspiration for the youth of tomorrow, then he will feel accomplished in this world. How noble! But one more thing, Mr. Coconut. I see your nodding, so I’ll continue. In addition to a decorated thespian career, what charity work have you done recently?

     Mr. Coconut: Good night…

     Lena: Ah, so you’ve built shelters for displaced petpets affected by the current tensions within the Lost Desert, huh? And even provided relief for the veterans of the Obelisk Wars? How lovely! You truly, truly are a wonderful, model Neopian. We could learn a lot from you, and I know in my heart that you’ll be the perfect mascot for our “beloved newspaper.” Previous mascots from previous newspapers have yet to comment.

     Mr. Coconut: GOOD NIGHT?

     Lena: Why did I use air quotes around the words “beloved newspaper?” Because they’re emphasis quotes, my friend. I love a “good set of quotation marks” every now and again. It makes for a strong mind and body.

     Mr. Coconut: … Good night?

     Lena: Of course! But anyway, it looks like I’m needed to cover an interview on a fascinating find within Sloth’s sock drawer. You never know what our investigative team will find in places like that. I sure hope it’s an eldritch horror! I need more of those in my life, they add a certain level of excitement. But in any event, thank you so much for your time and I look forward to seeing the Coconut plastered with pictures of your face. Until next time, GOOD NIGHT!

     Mr. Coconut: GOOD NIGHT mr. coconut!

     Author’s note: To see the origin of our beloved coconut, check out this editorial:


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