Now with 50% more useless text Circulation: 195,542,153 Issue: 861 | 29th day of Running, Y21
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BREAKING NEWS: Cute Snowbunnies Defeat Dr. Sloth


by _brainchild_

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     [VIRTUPETS SPACE STATION, 1st of Eating Y21]

      An army of cute Faerie Snowbunnies has captured Virtupets’ evil mastermind, Dr. Frank Sloth. The group ambushed him in his hidden headquarters, where he was found to be experimenting on 149 innocent Petpets, to the utter disgust of the Petpet Protection League (PPL). He was also found to be holding 305 Grundos captive to do his bidding. Sloth, who holds a Ph. D. in horribleness, was trying to find more efficient ways to mutate said Petpets and Grundos. He first discovered the secret of mutation at age 88, and has been wreaking havoc ever since.

     The Defenders of Neopia raided the hideout and seized vile transmogrification potions, dangerous lab rays, and other contraband which is currently safeguarded under the category of classified information. When the Defenders of Neopia tried to apprehend Sloth, he fought back, but was quickly overwhelmed by the horde of Snowbunnies. He was arrested and charged with 149 counts of cruelty to Petpets, 305 counts of first-degree kidnapping, being a convicted felon in possession of Battledome weapons, possession of contraband, and 3 counts of aggravated assault against the Defenders of Neopia. If convicted, he faces life in prison with no possibility of parole. He is currently being held at the Eerie Island Correctional Facility, which is Neopia’s highest-security federal prison, reserved for the absolute worst offenders.

     Reports have come in that while he awaits trial, the Snowbunnies are taunting him. According to a spokesman for the prison, they have tied him to a chair, covered his face in pink clown makeup, and dumped magenta faerie glitter all over him, all while blaring pop music in the background. “None of us here at the jail can say we feel sorry for him, though,” the spokesman asserted.

     Sloth’s arraignment will occur on the 4th of Eating. His trial date is set for the 8th of Relaxing, which, symbolically, is Petpet Appreciation Day, in honor of all the Petpets who were subjected to his cruel experiments. The victims of his crimes are said to be recovering in the Neopian Hospital. According to the famous board-certified Gelert Doctor, the prognosis is “optimistic” for the majority of the patients, who are in stable condition right now. They are accepting Neopoint donations to pay for their medical bills; checks should be made out to the Neopian Hospital.

     A spokeswoman for the PPL has released a statement condemning the maltreatment of the innocent Petpets:

     “We at the PPL strongly stand against any cruelty to Petpets. These small, defenseless animals were the victims of horrible experiments at the hands of a ruthless, vicious villain many times bigger than themselves. We hope that Sloth pays dearly for his crimes. If you know of a Petpet that is being mistreated, please immediately contact our emergency tip line.”

     The Snowbunnies are widely considered to be small and adorable, so many are surprised that they were able to defeat Sloth. It turns out that they were granted magical powers by Queen Fyora of Faerieland. When Mira the Space Faerie was having trouble keeping Sloth’s evil in check, she turned to the all-powerful Fyora for assistance. Therefore, Fyora sent the army of Snowbunnies, armed with her very own Glittery Faerie Dust.

     It is hypothesized that Sloth will have to pay massive reparations for his crimes. If Sloth is convicted, the judge will likely order him to pay reparations, so all of his possessions, minus the contraband, will be available for bidding at the Neopian Auction House to gather Neopoints. All items are being held by federal officials at the moment, so nobody knows exactly what will be available. However, Neopians are speculating and saving Neopoints in the hopes to own an item which once belonged to the evil genius.

     Many items which once belonged to celebrities, whether good or evil, have sold for record sums in the past. For example, a paper towel which Queen Fyora used sold for 500,000 Neopoints, much to the surprise of bidders everywhere. Likewise, a lock of her hair sold for 10 million Neopoints. A pair of broken glasses belonging to Xandra, the infamous Xweetok who plotted to dominate Neopia, sold for a cool million. A tattered robe worn by Eliv Thade sold for 5 million. More recently, there have been countless Xendrik Scimitars in the Neopian Auction House, but a spokesman for the Xendrik family asserts that these weapons are “functional, yet reproductions.”

     ---

     APRIL FOOLS!!!

     Did you, dear reader, REALLY believe that an army of SNOWBUNNIES could have defeated Dr. Sloth?! Think again! The evil mastermind is still at large, much to the disdain of Neopians everywhere, but especially the Space Faerie. While several enthusiastic Snowbunnies have expressed interest in fighting against his villainy, Queen Fyora insists that the mission is too dangerous for mere Petpets. She and the Space Faerie are rumored to be negotiating a plan to defeat Sloth, but this claim has not been substantiated by either faerie. (The information would be classified anyway.)

     Fyora: You dummy! *crumples up Neopian Times*

     Reporter: What?! *bewildered facial expression*

     Fyora: Don’t WRITE PUBLICLY that we’re coming after Sloth! Then he’ll flee! *sarcastic voice* Oh, hey, Dr. Sloth! We’re letting you know in advance that we’re coming to arrest your sorry self! Then you can hightail it to the next galaxy or whatever planet you find!

     Reporter: Um, sorry...

     Fyora: Now that he knows, I’ll have to contact those Alien Aishas... *sigh*

     Reporter: Anyway, readers, if you have any tips concerning the whereabouts of Dr. Sloth, please contact Queen Fyora or the Space Faerie ASAP.

     Fyora: Please do. *turns to reporter* Oh, and tell them that nobody bought a PAPER TOWEL of mine. That is RIDICULOUS!!!

     Reporter: True. That story was also part of our April Fool’s joke. However, the other stories are true. *turns to Fyora* Maybe you can grow your hair out and sell it to raise money for Faerieland.

     Fyora: Hey, I never thought of that! Great idea! I’ll start doing that today. We need all the money we can get after those vicious WRAITHS destroyed our home!

     Reporter: I wish you luck on that. Until next time, dear readers!

     

 
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