Snaw's Guide to Acting Like a Major Boss NT Star!
Hello my adoring NT fans! This long awaited entry has finally come: my one hundred and fiftieth Neopian Times submission!!!!
As one of the top ten most published NT authors—as well as the most stylish and prettiest—I’m sure all of you impressionable dears are wondering what is expected of one of Neopia’s biggest and shiniest (and richest) NT Stars. Well for this very special article, I have compiled a list of the most essential qualities of anybody who has ever been accepted into the Neopian Times! Whether it’s one hundred entries or just a single measly one, having the right persona can make any of you wannabe losers into an NT Star worth noticing!
So grab a notepad and let’s-la-begin!
Warning: certain tips shouldn’t be followed. Consult a doctor if anything in this article leads you to getting headaches, leg pain, foot pain, lack of sleep, loss of hair, lack of motivation, unexpected bursts of energy or the urge to eat bread. Snaw is not responsible for any and all wrong doings because of beauty-related reasons.
Make an Enemy
As a famous Neopian, there will be lowlife, pathetic has-bins who would snark at you because you’ve succeed in something those miserable oafs keep failing at. My advice would be to hate these lowlife dweesels back! Make them feel like garbage by insulting them non-stop; shattering their confidence at every given opportunity until they decide to turn their lives around and begin to see you as somebody to look up and aspire to be! So go ahead and make an enemy to build yourself up. Have them deal with their own problems: YOUR only problem is getting more NT entries done! *winks*
The Guts! The Glory!
Now that you’ve made it to the NT, it’s ever-so-important that you keep at your NT publishing skills for the shear purpose of achieving glory. Many Neopians who’ve become NT Stars continue publishing stuff, creating even more entries that may or may not succeed the success of their very first one. But don’t stress out about being the most talented contributor: just care about getting to any of the various “special issues” and receiving a higher count in trophies! There’s no reason to stress about talent when all you should be caring about is the attention you’ll get as a successful NT Star. So go and create something inferior to any of my works! I’m sure you’ll have a blast.
Quitting is for Dweebs!
What? Scrappy sent you a rejection letter because there were “too many good entries this week”?? Yes, this petty excuse of a response has happened to us all, but do NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES quit your NT aspirations! The NT is competitive, but it can also be very rewarding if you ever achieve a lot of attention and praise from strangers you’ve never met before. Quitting is a terrible fate for any NT Star, and even those who’ve tapped out of all creative ideas shouldn’t stop! Just read a book or a newspaper, and conjure up some new wicked cool ideas daddy-o! You deserve to think up your best: don’t you settle for less!
Self Promotion is the ONLY Promotion!
Getting into the NT is a huge accomplishment in itself, but it’d be a real shame if your entry wasn’t praised by any strangers you’re not going to bother befriending despite how nice they were to you. Let’s be honest: we NT Stars are some of the biggest attention seekers in Neopia, and thus we deserve to have others read and review our stuff, and then get praised for our intelligence and creativity! So don’t be shy about your NT entry: tell everyone you know you’ve been published into the NT and then, in non-spamming fashion, go inform all of Neopia of your NT success! Then, if you’re talented enough, you can attract a legion of devoted fans who will rave over all of your NT stuff with an abundance of somewhat-deserved praise. As long as you don’t spam, you’ll be a true NT Star! (Spammers would need to seek counselling.)
Trophies Make Great Fencing Tools!
My suggestion for the use of your many NT trophies is this simple solution: TROPHY FIGHT!!! Go challenge complete strangers—or those you despise for petty reasons—into a duel where the only weapons are your trophies. For an added kick you can challenge them to an ‘NT trophy’ fight and then watch them cry and explode because of the many times they were probably rejected by the NT editor. Even if those who accept your duel use bigger trophies, you can always arm yourself with multiple NT trophies as back-up weapons. Remember to have such weird and hilarious brawls in the Battledome, though. Street fights are far below any sparkling NT Star!
Spread Your Reign
Yes the NT can and will be your home turf, but have you ever considered all the other less-important spotlights and contests Neopia holds? We creative NT folk can spread our dominating wings over the other less admirable contests in order to reign supreme amongst the Neopian commoners. Try writing a caption for the Caption Contest; write a poem about how great you are in the Poetry Contest; participate in the Storytelling Contest if you can’t think up a story of your own; draw an embarrassing picture of a pet for the Art Contest or the Beauty Contest; or do whatever challenge the Random Contest asks for. With a plethora of diverse and lame-as-toast contests in Neopia, one shouldn’t settle with the superior Neopian Times. Go out and take a chance with one of these contests—or go Kadding, if you want to feel enraged at pathetic, hungry Kadoaties. The choice is up to you! (Though I’d advise to stray from the last option.)
Gratitude is Your Attitude!
The most important thing about being an NT Star as successful and beautiful as me is this: you’re success isn’t just because of your talents, creativity, willpower, persistence, fashion sense, love of food or the desire to take over Neopia and destroy everything you hate (CAPTION CONTEST! TURMAC ROLL! ICE CREAM MACHINE! KADDING! CAPTION CONTEST AGAIN!). What’s most important is remembering that, whatever you choose to send into the NT and whatever success you receive afterwards, your supportive and equally fashionable friends will always be by your side and compliment your work, no matter how bad or poorly drawn it is. Being in the NT is the funnest when you not only see your friends react to your entries, but also when you see your friends’ entries and squeal when you’re all in the same issue together. Friends are an NT Star’s real treasure, and right now I, the Beautiful Snaw, would like to add the following shout-outs to some of my dearest friends and (they better be my) biggest fans:
Travis! Phoe! Shae! Luann! Lei! Lombre! Moni! Carolyn! Rabbit! Twillie! Calla! Kouza! Kal! Megan! Sandra! Zia! Jenn! Brett! Zoey! Isaac! Cheese! Matt! Mandi! Shadow! Manda! Niki! Rooke! Mico! Tara! Kilee! Haley! Jack! Noelle! Rivera! Tayler! Josh! Craig! Least! Shelby! TJ! Mango! Tpel! Tupac! Fede! Amber! Tanya! Paige! Dew! Kenny! Kellian! Ragen! Mel!
I HEREBY THANK ALL OF YOU FOR BEING THE DEAR FRIENDS OF THE SNAW ALL MY BEAUTY!! YOUR SUPPORT AND REFUSAL TO CRITICIZE ANYTHING OF MINE TOO HARSHLY IS WHY I THINK YOU’RE ALL COOL BEANS! SNAW THINKS YOU’RE ALL SUPERSTARS!! (Though not as bright as me because I have more NT trophies)
Now we’ve reached the end of my one hundred and fiftieth Neopian Times submission! Who knows what the future will hold for the almighty Snaw: more articles, cooler-than-cool collabs, a second comic, and many more zany cameos!
For those I didn’t give a shout out to: thanks for your support! And thank you legions of devoted fans for supporting me with not only my NT stuff, but also with inflating my ego and making me one of the shiniest and glamorous Neopian Stars beloved by everyone and their pets!
Thanks again and have a major boss day. :D