The Lament of the Water Faerie
The Lament of a Water Faerie, or "Why the Fountain Faerie’s Quests are Overrated and Everyone in Neopia is an Ungrateful Snorkle”
I know what you’re thinking. Don’t lie to me, I hear it all the time. It’s always the same with you Neopians when you get a Water Faerie quest. You can’t be grateful for having a random faerie quest - oh no, Fyora forbid! What you want is a Fountain Faerie Quest. I’ve seen how you talk about them, those precious “FFQ”s that everyone is clamouring for. And once you get one, are you satisfied? No, now you just want more. “Oh,” you say, “but that was for the Buzz avatar, I still want to paint my dreamie!” Or “But now I want to do a Stealthy-Desert-Wraith Draik cross-paint!” is what you cry. “A new specie colour was released! Now I want one of those.” Whinge, whinge, whinge.
And it’s not just that. It’s what this attitude does to the rest of us faeries. That’s right. We have feelings too, you know.
Do you know how you make the Grey Faerie feel? Poor Baelia sees how excited you are when she appears! And then, bam, she asks the Earth Faeries to bless you for her good work, and you act like a petulant child. Baelia is asking for us other faeries for favours in return for what you guys provide.
You think that's easy for her, to be the only faerie lacking magic, without you guys throwing it in her face every time she asks another faerie for help? Well, it’s not. I should know. I’m in the room next to her and she regularly keeps me up at night with her sobbing, and her loud recitation of some of the worst poetry you’ve ever heard. My makeup is actually to hide the fact I have terrible dark circles under these eyes. I’ve put in an application with Fyora to change rooms with the Dark Faerie, who sleeps through everything, but the faerie dorms have some of the worst administration you’ve ever seen. You think Brightvale University is bad? Oh brother, you have no idea.
Uh, where was I? Oh yes! The modern plight of every faerie other than Naia, the Fountain Faerie.
So how about that Air Faerie? I’m only joking, who cares about Air Faeries, speed is a useless stat anyway. Besides, she thinks she’s so twee and cute. Pfft, your adorable appearance doesn’t make up for the pang of disappointment everyone feels when they see you, Air Faerie.
But that feeling of disappointment when you see me? In all my golden haired, blue tube-topped glory? Well, that’s just a disgrace. I give three defence points. Count them again - one, two, three defence points. Now you might be able to block a punch from that grumpy Jetsam, and ward off blows from the Tiki Tack Man with a wooden spoon.
And the most expensive book I’d ask for? Under 10,00NP. For - I’ll say it again - THREE whole defence points. What a bargain! Imagine what that’d cost you in codestones! Yeah, that’s what I thought. Here I am, trying to help you out, and you just turn your nose up because I’m not the faerie you wanted.
Do you want to know how much something that Naia asks for could cost you? No? I think you do want to know, actually. But first, I want you to guess. Go ahead - take some time to look around the Trading Post, and wonder how much an item with the rarity index of 96 could actually cost you. You're finished? You made your guess?
Well, you’re woefully wrong, mister or missus. The correct answer? Almost four million neopoints. Let that sink in for a moment, collect your jaw from the floor, and start to rethink your priorities. So tell me: how much did you guess, dunce?
You guessed 4 million? Oh. Actually - never mind then. I guess - well, uh. Still, it’s a lot. Don’t make this awkward.
Let’s take something else into account. She makes you or your pets aesthetically pleasing. She’s shallow and only cares about looks. Life in Neopia isn’t a beauty contest (well, except for the Beauty Contest, but you know what I mean). You need smarts and skills and fight. When Sloth comes to visit, do you think he cares what colour you are? (Uhm, though he might look lighter on you if you’re a mutant, but - uh, shush.) When Meuka appears around the street corner of Neopia Central, do you think a pretty Woodland Uni will make him pause for thought?
The answer to those questions is no. What will make them pause?
I’ll tell you. Your ability to piledrive Sloth into submission is all that matters. You want to keep snot-free and dry? You’re going to need to know how to dodge and land a blow to Meuka's sticky abdomen. Mark my words, when the zombie apocalypse comes (and it’s coming, check the Times’ recent article in the sudden demand in Zombie Paintbrushes), you won’t care what pretty colour you decided to paint yourself. All you’ll want is muscles and more muscles... and maybe a goo blaster or two.
But still, it doesn’t mean comments about my appearance go by without hurting. Last week, while harping on chatting politely with a Blumaroo I was trying to strong-arm ask to fetch me a quest item, he mentioned that if I wanted people to be less disappointed when they saw me, maybe I should put as much effort into my appearance as Naia does.
Can you imagine how it made me feel? You say yes, but I don’t think you do. Just because I’m not up at the crack of dawn (mostly because I have to sleep in after dealing with Baelia all night) renewing those highlights in my hair, since - shock! horror! - they aren’t natural, or getting a fancy swimsuit…well, you shouldn’t judge me for that.
Besides, if I did my make up more like her, the complaints that I look “soooo much” like her would be on the rise.
By the way, I do not look like Naia. She has frizzy hair, while mine is wavy. She wears blue lipstick, while mine is a gorgeous shade of aqua. I have a flower in my hair, she has elf ears. I’m sweet and kindhearted, she’s an evil, cunning witch on par with Edna for her scheming and ugliness. :)
Before I leave you to decide, with this new information in tow, how much you really want a Fountain Faerie Quest (the correct conclusion is, eh, you’d actually prefer a visit from the wonderful Water Faerie who seems like she’d be totally chill to hang out with after you’ve finished the quest), I want to let you in on a little secret: Fyora doesn’t even like her. Yep, imagine that - the queen faerie, known for her benevolence - she doesn’t like Naia, the perfect little Fountain Faerie who can do no wrong in the eyes of Neopians everywhere. What does that tell you about Naia? Do you like her so much now? Yeah, I thought so. (I did not say this. Anything that might have been construed as my having said this has been taken out of context. I love all my Faeries equally, even the most self-pitying ones with giant chips on their shoulders. - Fyora)
So next time you feel like bemoaning the fact you didn’t get a Fountain Faerie Quest to another faerie’s face, I want you to remember this: we’re Neopians too. I know! What a radical notion! But you’re little digs and tantrums when faced with any of the rest of us measly non-Fountain faeries, and especially when you're faced me, they actually hurt. We go home and cry afterwards. Almost every night. I swear it.
(Also, if you don’t want to do it for me, please stop giving Baelia more material for her angst poems or Neopia might not have a Grey Faerie for much longer.)