Still thwarting Sloth's mind control... Circulation: 193,882,745 Issue: 721 | 26th day of Awakening, Y18
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series
 

An Avatar Hunter's Letter to the Spacerocked! Grundo


by beagums

--------

Obtaining games avatars are a grueling task. They require expert skill and hours of practice. (Usually - I’m looking at you, Kass Basher) Avatar hunters know that after the first few hours of gameplay your mind tends to... wander a bit. You begin to ponder your Neopian existence. Why am I here? What am I doing? Why have I been flinging space rocks for the past two hours? Am I hungry? I think I’m hungry. I’ll get lunch... after this last rock.

 What was I saying? Oh yes, avatar games. This is one of those moments. I present to you my letter to a presumably deranged space rock flinging Grundo.

Dear Spacerocked Grundo,

At first I was very upset with you because I couldn’t figure out why you insisted on throwing my spacerock directly on the ground in front of you. I knew you understood that your rock goes further when you put actual force behind it because I had seen you sling that thing unspeakable distances. So why then, Spacerocked Grundo, did you suddenly forget how thrilling it is to watch these beautiful Kreludorian gems whizz through the air with delicate grace? I soon realized this was not due to some sudden onset of crippling fatigue, but rather due to the meter on your slingshot falling into the red instead of green. Of course, how foolish of me.

I hate to be pedantic with you, Grundo, but I have to point out what a serious design flaw this is. I may not understand your need to fling rocks at oncoming space traffic but nonetheless I was willing to help you out because you offered me a shiny new avatar if I helped you vandalize enough innocent passersby. But seriously, Grundo, your consistency would improve exponentially if you did away with the power gauge on your slingshot. Both for anonymity and a decent head start should the space driver get out and come after you. (you are after all, denting their presumably expensive means of transportation) You are standing a considerable distance from the spaceships. You don’t need to hit the ground two inches from you. There’s no spaceship there.

Which leads me to my second question. What are you doing, Spacerocked Grundo? What failure of a Neopian education system led you to this life of petty vandalism? I’m not judging you, Grundo, because clearly I’m willing to join in but I need to understand where you went wrong. I know you told me that these ships were a part of Sloth’s Army and that you were merely defending your freedom but I’m not sure how thick you think I am because we all know Sloth hasn’t been active since Year 10. It’s Year 17, Grundo. Those aren’t invading enemy ships, those are your fellow Kreludorians trying to get to work or grab a bite at Cafe Kreludor. You’re not a defender of freedom and liberty, you’re a nuisance.

I know you’re very smart, Grundo. I’ve not only seen you invent a pretty high-tech slingshot, but I’ve watched you improve on your original design. I was impressed by the larger version which could hurl even larger space rocks to cause exponentially greater damager to personal property. I was absolutely floored when you whipped out what I can only describe as a Sling-Cannon. Seriously, Grundo you have unbelievable talent as an engineer. The best thing I‘ve ever built involved my tying a red ribbon around a jingly bell and telling Kneezles it was a super rare and impressive “Luxury Bell”. They’re not as smart as you so they believed me and I press you not to reveal my secret to them. Actually, I’m not being entirely honest with you. I once helped a mad Lutari build a Random Event machine but I try to cover up my involvement in that as it didn’t exactly turn out as planned. You think those spaceship drivers are angry with you? You don’t know unprecedented rage until you’ve been to the Neoboards after your greatest assisted device starts handing out retired avatars. But I digress.

As I was saying, I know you’re very smart, Grundo, so I’m not entirely sure why you keep picking up Achyfii cans and books instead of rocks. Perhaps at first you thought the books would do more damage, but I think we’ve tried this enough time to be able to confirm without any reasonable doubt that this not the case, they rarely make it far enough to actually hit the ships. I have absolutely no idea why you’d think an empty Achyfii can would indent solid metal better than a rock, but allow me to inform you... they do not. Have you ever actually seen an Achyfii can before this? They’re horribly designed. Sometimes they leak all over my new NC Mall outfit. (Which is currently on sale, buy today) They can barely achieve the task of holding liquid successfully, I assure you we can find better flinging material. Or maybe your intellect has advanced so significantly that minor trivial details like the difference between a rock and a book no longer register for you. If that is the case, I am truly sorry. That must be awful for you.

Now that I have your avatar, I think it is time that you mend your ways and rejoin society as a contributing, well-behaved Grundo. I know that restocking and playing the stock market may seem boring, but there are benefits to leading a respectable Neopian life. You get far fewer angry Neomails and piles of dung in your event log, I can tell you that. Have you considered the Food Club? It’s all about gambling on who can eat the most food or whatever. I don’t personally play it because I am too upstanding a citizen to divulge in such nefarious activities, but I’ve heard that you can make quite the profit. Then maybe you can buy yourself the materials to build a bigger, better slingshot. Or a Snowbunny. Your choice.

Sincerely yours,
Beagums Mcgee

P.S. It’s been two years and I still haven’t used your avatar.

 
Search the Neopian Times




Great stories!


---------

Janet and Jane: The Case of the Framed Detectives: Part Eight
I groaned. "Everyone still thinks that Jane, Natia, and I are thieves," I answered. "I'm going to talk to Queen Fyora to clear our names. I'm a little surprised she didn't do anything already."

by chasing_stars44

---------

A Day in the Life of a Kougra
Hi everyone! My name is Siraelas and I am an ordinary blue Kougra. I was born on Mystery Island on the 24th day of Swimming, Year 7. I’ve lived at 155715 Coconut Road (Mystery Island) all my life with my owner, Jen (who also goes by the name siraelas, oddly enough). I like gathering food (a trait I share with Jen) and when meeting others, I am very friendly (unlike Jen, who is quiet & reserved).

by siraelas

---------

Duplicity: Part Twelve
Giles ran over to his freed father and jumped on him with open arms the moment he saw him. The small Xweetok smiled as Garrington weakly ruffled his mane. Dark circles surrounded the duke’s eyes. His wife, the duchess, pinched her nose and nodded along. “Yes, yes, we miss you very much. I think the dungeons have done a number on you.”

by likelife96

---------

Uni Grooming Guide
The Uni is known for being the most vain Neopet of all. With currently holding the sixth place overall of the most popular Neopets, they have every reason to devote hours of their day to improving (and admiring) their appearance. In this article, we will be taking a look at various grooming items made especially for Unis, as well as useful books for Uni owners looking to make their Neopet the prettiest one around!

by aleu1986



Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.