Stand behind yer sheriff Circulation: 193,565,809 Issue: 698 | 11th day of Gathering, Y17
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Downtime With Dr. Sloth

by vanillafilth


      Being an almighty overlord all the time understandably gets tiring. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't throw away my boundless power for anything, but even creatures of my high stature need time off. Today was just such a day. I found myself craving some quality Sloth time, outside of the confines of the Virtupets station. Even in my leisure time, there's always work to be done. Today's list entails picking up my dry cleaning, going grocery shopping, and picking up some pet supplies for Roger, my precious, obedient little ultra Pinceron. Quite the labor intensive day this is looking to be, but what kind of ruler would I be could I not best these simple tasks?

      So first stop, dry cleaning. Neopia Central was a lengthy trip to be sure, but my magnificent beauty of a space ship is limitless. Set course for Uni's Clothing and kick back with some Achyfi. Or do I want Neocola? Nah, Achyfi. Space sure is clear today, not a destructive meteor in sight. How boring. Beneath me I spy the dull sandy plateau of Tyrannia. Blech. Some ways east the equally boring undisturbed snowy planes of Terror Mountain are laying about. Truly I chose wisely in taking up residence in the space station. Ah, yes, run little Blumaroos! If only I'd brought my laser, I could be racking up dozens of evil points right now. Perhaps next time.

      After what seems like ages (though clearly only a few minutes judging by the amount of Achyfi I have left) I finally touchdown in Neopia Central. Disgustingly cute place. Though I can't help but be elated by all the terrified gawking directed at me as I make my way to the bazaar. And there it is, stationed by the smoothie shop like usual, the cloying sweet smell of the nearby chocolate factory permeating the air as it is inclined to do. I threw the doors open with no small amount of gusto.

      "Hello, how may I hel- oh." Not exactly the fear induced reaction I wanted, but disappointment was satisfying to some degree. "What do you need, Frank?"

      "That's Dr. Sloth to you, and I'm here to pick up my dry cleaning," I asserted, flashing my canines in a grandiose smile.

      "Right. One second," the Uni drawled, going into the back room. I drummed my fingers on the counter impatiently, glancing around at the other shoppers. I was granted a few uneasy stares that I mentally appraised.

      "Here you are. That'll be 10,000 neopoints." She pushed my array of capes forward on the counter, neatly pressed and smelling of lavender.

      "10,000? Last time it was 8,000!" As if I would simply throw my hard earned currency to the masses- what was I, a philanthropist?

      "There were a lot of Achyfi stains." She popped the gum I hadn't known she'd been chewing. Still annoyed by the price increase, I slid the requested sum her way before gathering up my capes and making a show of storming out the door. What she doesn't know is I only gave her 9,999 neopoints. Dr. Sloth, 1.

      Dropping my capes off in my spaceship, I looked at the next item on my list. Ah, groceries, of course. Food shop it was, then. Scurrying back into the main shopping center, I brushed past the auction house and bank before arriving at my destination. Surging through the door, I was met with a few gasps of surprise. Yes, good.

      "Heya Frank! Can I help you find anything?" Curse that blasted cheery good-natured chia.

      "You can help yourself by minding your own business!" I bellowed, insulted by his kind demeanor. I was to be feared!

      "Haha, alrighty, just let me know if you need anything!" I'm surrounded by idiots. Shrugging off his idiocy, I started to make my way to the meat department before the soda aisle caught my eye. "Diet Neocola, buy one get one free!" Don't mind if I do. Not as if diet could hurt, and my robes were becoming rather snug. Picking up a cart and tossing the sodas in, I strode over to the meat section. Deli turkey slices, just want I needed for my finger sandwiches. I suppose it would do me some good to branch out and buy a vegetable or two- and look at that, leeks are on sale today! My leek soup is renown around Virtupets. Throwing a few bushels into my cart, I considered what else I might need. Coffee, to be sure. And cereal. Breakfast was the most important meal of the day. Picking up a hearty dark roast and some peanut crunch cereal, my eye was caught by a specialty item. "Sloth Day Nachos". I would take those on the way out. After all, I shouldn't have to pay for something in celebration of my rule.

      "Will that be all for you today?" the chia asked, beginning to scan my items.

      "Yes, that'll do it," I returned casually, picking up a pack of chokato chew from under the counter and tossing it in with my items.

      "Your total is 11,214 neopoints!" he beamed. Grumbling I fished out the requested sum and slung it his way, taking up my bags in my arms. Turning to leave, I picked up the nachos and made my way out. I heard a cry of "wait" from the chia but decided to ignore it. Dr. Sloth, 2.

      Now all that was left was to pick up some things for little Roger. Going back the way I'd come from the bazaar, I passed the chocolate factory and zazzle t-shirts before reaching the petpet supplies building. Why I hadn't come here before going grocery shopping I'll never know.

      "Well hello Mr. Sloth, what do you need today?" I looked up to see the usual Chomby meandering about, arranging squeaky toys. I'd this point I'd just grown to accept that I wasn't going to get the desired fear induced reactions from any of the shopkeepers whose shops I frequented, so, pulling my expression into one of grim indifference, I returned,

      "I need the most luxurious of bed and toy for my dear Roger."

      "Of course, of course! Might I suggest this mozito petpet bed? It's been a hit lately." I walked up to the bed in question, inspecting the material. It was no doubt high quality.

      "Hm, yes, this is fine. And toys?"

      "Little Roger's an ultra Pinceron, right? How about this pipe maze? I'll even throw in a free can of disco food with it, since you are my most loyal customer."

      "Loyal!" I spat. "I am loyal to no one, it is all of you who are loyal to me!"

      "Yes, yes, of course. So does that sound like a deal?" I felt my eye twitch. Bitterly I nodded and allowed the insolent Chomby to ring me up.

      "Alrighty...that'll be 14,162 neopoints, Mr. Sloth." Growling, I scrounged through my wallet and flicked the neopoints at him. The things I do for Roger.

      "Thank you, come again!" he called after me as I slunk out the door. Now that all my shopping was complete, I could head back to the station and enjoy some free-from-obligation Sloth time. Roger would surely be pleased with his new things, and tonight I could start preparing some of my leek soup. It isn't often that I find myself with downtime, and while I'm loathe to subject myself to the mundane tasks of the common Neopian, I find it affords my life a type of normalcy that I've come to crave.

      The End.

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