Voice of the Neopian Pound Circulation: 193,488,540 Issue: 693 | 7th day of Hiding, Y17
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How Neopets Can Help You: A Lifelong Journey


by christielove

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As the summer is winding down, many Neopians are hurriedly attempting to accomplish their goals before the wisps of summer holidays and freedom starts to whiz past them into the distance. In this time, you may be accomplishing many things-- kadoatery feeding, perfecting customizations, or betting your life’s earnings away at the Food Club. As the day darkens and the pace of your mouse’s clicking quickens, don’t fear, little Neopians. For the time spent on Neopets, no matter how big or small the accomplishments earned, can garner quite a few life skills that can be useful to you both on and off a dim yellow screen.

Skill #1: Marketing and Public Relations

If you’re anything like me, then you have at one point lusted after a terrifyingly hard to achieve avatar. The appeal of sporting the MSPP or Bony Grarrl Club in front of your Neofriends is enough to make a person go mad. However, actually being deemed worthy of being granted an item lend for an avatar can be a terrifyingly painful and self-revealing process. How many of us have seen pet page applications written by our younger selves, only to cringe in utter horror?

Ruthless they may be at times*, the Neoboards have been crafted after many years to help Neopians present their best foot forward when asking to be judged on the pedestal of item or pet lending. Those who gift items (often worth hundreds of millions of Neopoints) are a unique personality blend of power, generosity, and cunning unparalleled. As a Neopian with goals, the strict (yet largely unwritten) rules of engagement in the Neoboards allows one to construct a positive and marketable angle that they can easily hook others with after only a quick skim. By playing your cards right, a Neopian who masters these skills will never have to worry about having an awkward introduction ever again. To ensure instantaneous respect and companionship with any newcomer you encounter (on or off the Neoboards), simply ensure them that you have a BD HSD 350, 4 UC, 17 site themes, 300 avvies, and full collat. They’ll get it, I promise.

Tips for Day to Day Use:

First impressions are often based off appearance, whether it be your shiniest/fanciest avatar or a great set of clothes.

Lead with a firm handshake, and a nice smile.

Introduce yourself, and repeat their name back to them so you don’t forget who they are!

Skill #2: Adventurous Spirit and Palate

All Neopians are adventurers through and through. How many others can say they have visited far away moons? Pressed levers that consistently steal from them? Globetrotted daily in order to spin wheels and hope for gifts to appear under sand? The world of Neopia is rife with adventurous and daring feats that are open to every being-- there are entire lands dedicated to being spooky, or mysterious! The absolute definition of adventure and kookiness! Consistently, Neopets regularly encounter danger in the form of ghostly Lupes and scary petpets demanding battle. Do they stand down? NEVER! Most Neopets accomplish these phenomenal feats while wearing full length dresses, wigs, and costume makeup.

Furthermore, the food of Neopia is daring and a bit dangerous. With delectable wares ranging from Ham to Mustard Ice Cream, there is no way a Neopian could spend time on this website without gaining a palate able to discover the most intricate of flavors in any meal. Would a Neopian shy away from a plate of Jelly Sushi? No! They’ve fed that to their Kadoatie ten times over and always nibbled a bit for themselves anyway. Neopians are adventurers, and their ability to devour any edible substance is something to be marveled... but they might not want to host any dinner parties.

Tips for Day to Day Use:

Always know the risks and rewards of any chances or adventures you might depart on!

While one might not recommend recreating anything ‘gross’, with a practical application of physics and edible ingredients many Neopian foods can be made right at home. Spice up your diet with a Mini Egg Taco or Heavenly Roast Turkey.

Skill #3: Macroeconomics and Statistics

Understanding the Neopian economy takes years. Decades even, if I’m being honest with myself. Item costs regularly fluctuate with changing demand, and the value of a single Neopoint is an ever shifting enigma. However, a true Neopian doesn’t shy away from the challenge of our tumultuous economy. In fact, most Neopians would recommend betting their hard-earned coins in the highly fluctuating stock market. Because Neopians have guts, they have daring, and they truly get the way it all works. When you receive a goodie bag, you better stuff it deep in your Safety Deposit Box where you can forget about it until it becomes worth 30 times more than it started with. You decide: Neopian luck, or economic masterminds?

One of the most lasting and impactful parts of the Neopets experience is the amount of sheer luck involved in gameplay. Will Jetsam Ace make me rich or fill up my Safety Deposit Box? Will Coltzan smite me or sing my praises? Will the food stall people finally give me something… anything… please? Dozens of devoted Neopians have taken it upon themselves to create complicated spreadsheets and statistics calculating the risk, luck, and skill involved in the day to day processes of Neopia. The next time you are looking to be hired at Uni’s Clothing, make sure you proudly display your color-coded spreadsheet about the likelihood of Nerkmid disaster or failure. You’ll never be unemployed again. **

Tips for Day to Day Use:

Spreadsheet everything! All the things! Soon you will never make a bad food club bet again! Soon you will be the master of selling (not using) Nerkmids! SOON YOU WILL BE THE ULTIMATE PURVEYOR OF FOOLPROOF ODDS AND IRREFUTABLE DATA!

*Quest board, where would any of us be without you? Kadoatery Games boards, ever vigilant and ruthless in the grind, how we bow before you in honor of thy sacrifice.

** In all seriousness, this really is a super valuable and skill building way to use Neopets.

 
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