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Last Minute Gift (Baskets)


by placebo_533

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It's coming up to Valentines Day and we all know what that means...

Suddenly, presents! Expectations! Probably for all sorts of people you didn't think of until the morning of the 14th rolled in. Despite all of the warning signs, you have left it MUCH too late.

Panic, the same as every year, as you scrabble through the cavernous pit that your Safety Deposit Box now resembles, that is somehow overflowing with Piles of Dung and devoid of all suitably friendly gift items. So what is your next step? To the Shop Wizard! There you try desperately to think of even a single word that expresses the wave of lovely feelings you want this special item to convey, so you scream GIFT and hope that for once a 'containing my phrase' search will yield results.

That magical JubJub is giving you the tired, smug eyes of someone who was prepared for this day months ago and your sense of dread sets in as your imagination boils with what random item variation this search will turn up – perhaps gift erasers or some gift dung; perhaps a very convolutedly named and particularly gross smoothie.

For once, a search of a single word via the Shop Wizard doesn't leave you perplexed and dismayed!

With blessed relief you have stumbled upon the number of Neopia's colourful gift baskets for all occasions. It is at this point that the Fool relaxes into thinking any old item containing 'gift basket' is a safe bet. Do not become this person. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS TRAP.

This is where the inexperienced gift-giver will let down their guard, and a pleasant gift becomes the catalyst of questioning, betrayal, offence and a lonely ex-Valentine.

I write to provide guidance to you, dear reader – you who are deeply confused and hoping against hope not to offend unintentionally. So here are the hidden messages behind a few of the gift baskets Neopia has to offer.

1. Deceptive Gift Basket - That fruit smells pretty soapy to me...

"Look at the colours! It's all so fruity and pastel! It also smells good! They are sure to enjoy this, it's completely inoffensive!"

....Did you even read that name of this? If you think your friend isn't going to mind you dropping the word 'deception' into your Valentine's Day, then you need more help than one article is capable of giving. Ignoring that for a moment, we address the item description. Soapy. This leaves the possible suggestions from this basket:

a) I want you to bite into this, and I want to be able to watch your face doing it.

or b) You really, really need these soaps. Right now. Have a whole basket of them. Have two.

So unless your beloved enjoys a practical joke that leaves a bad taste in the mouth, or can take some unsubtle criticism, leave this one alone.

2. Handy Gift Basket Give your friend a hand, even if its someone elses.

"Now this is my style! Something useful, something practical! This day is too commercial anyway, let's do away with useless gifts!"

Useful? Practical? Have you ever been outside of your workshop on Valentine's Day before? With the launch of the Woodland Paint Brush we may have all started 'going green' and making our own everything, but if there is one day set aside for novelty gift giving, it is this day. I'm amazed you thought of a gift basket in the first place.

Now we come to the visual elements of this basket. It contains a hammer and trowel, a set of screws.... and a screwdriver that must first be wrestled from its previous owner. It is of course impolite for someone to ask how much you've spent on a gift, but if they must battle the previous owner to use their gift, they are going to guess it's cost to you was 'not much'. I may also point out that while a hand can be comforting or friendly, the mottled green and slightly repaired specimen in this basket is unlikely to woo anyone, but may try to manhandle them.

3. Cheesetacular Gift Basket Fans of cheese would be delighted to receive this rather smelly gift basket.

"CHEESE! I don't have to share this, do I? I cheddar to think of this cheese being wasted; in fact, I could not camembert the thought."

I can see we like our cheese puns but I have to break it to you – this is nacho cheese. Remember, this is a gift. Stop eating it.

As the description suggests, this gift basket has limited appeal. I know it may be impossible to conceive of it, but not all people are fans of cheese. Heed this warning! Do your research properly. Nothing will deflate that Valentine's feeling like giving the gift of cheese to someone with an unreceptive digestive system.

Even if you have done your ground work successfully and very carefully discovered a love of cheese lurking in the heart of your admired one, perhaps you might also consider just how much cheese one person should eat? A basket of cheese made entirely from cheese may unfortunately turn your entire time together into a cheese discussion from which even the cheesiest of Valentine's lines won't save you. A cheesy line about cheese has yet to be invented, but I'm sure you'll manage it. You just have to brie-lieve.

4. I Screwed Up Gift Basket – Aw, who can stay mad at that little Screwtop?

"I don't know what I've done wrong, but at this stage nothing could possibly make it worse."

Oh dear. So it's like that? I can see why you came here for help. On the plus side, this gift basket says it all. Even if you are in the petpet house, that adorable little Screwtop is giving those wide eyed looks on your behalf. So I would say - Congratulations! You have picked the right basket.

....As long as you have actually done something wrong.

Otherwise you are just going to make them wonder, and that would be even worse for you.

5. Adoring Gift Basket – The perfect gift basket for the one that you adore!

"TAKE ALL OF MY LOVE."

It's not just friendly, it's not just 'liking', it is *adoring*. Once this gift basket is out of your inventory and off into the world, be prepared. You've surrendered yourself utterly to love.

For a Valentine's gift basket you can't get better. I don't even need to write a review, just picture it here: You Did It Card.

I hope this has provided you, dear reader, with a good sample of the many wonderful and bizarrely specific gift baskets Neopia has to offer! I urge you to go out and find some for yourself – the Gift Basket is this year's perfect Valentine's gift.

 
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