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Worst Pink Items in Neopia


by erikakaiser

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As Valentine's Day approaches, the Neopian aesthetic shifts to shades of red and pink. The boards fill with Kadoatery and I Heart Sloth avatars, and Neopets don their very best themed outfits. For some, it's a joy, but for others – like myself – pink is an annoying color, especially in large amounts. That being said, there are loads of adorable items in Neopia for even the crankiest of pink-haters. If I could sleep in a giant pile of Pink Doglefox Plushies, I absolutely would. I mean, come on, look at their squishable ears and fluffy tails. I can barely contain myself!

However, I'm going to ignore all of those and list what I think are some of the weirdest and worst pink items Neopia has to offer, starting with...

Pink Grooming Items

I couldn't decide between the Pink Grundo Bath Sponge and the Pink Poogle Loofah, so I'm just going to all encompassingly say: who wants to clean themselves with a Neopet's face, particularly one that's eye-blindingly pink? While not all pink grooming items are bad (most are just unnecessary – I don't see myself needing a pair of Pink Nail Clippers anytime soon, although I suppose the bright color might help with not losing them), these ones are borderline terrifying.

Alternative: Instead of scrubbing dirt off your body with a Neopet's unassuming visage, try some regular old Foamy Pink Soap (or, if you want to go the extra mile, a bar of Pink Glittery Soap). It has all the allure of an obnoxiously pink grooming item, and none of the creepiness of a Neopet-themed one.

Slice of Pink Neopets 8th Birthday Cake

Okay, let's be honest here. Neopets' 8th birthday was over seven years ago, and no amount of fuchsia icing can preserve a cake that long. It wouldn't at all surprise me if the yellow parts of the cake used to be white! You can buy it for fairly cheap, but I wouldn't recommend feeding it to any of your pets (unless you have a Grarrl – but they also eat things like Old Rotten Shoes and Rainbow Dung, so don't mistake their voracious appetites for a measure of quality).

Alternative: Candy Floss Cupcakes are made to order at Kiko Lake, so you can have your cake and eat it, too, free from the possibility of years-old germs lurking about.

Frosted Grub Burrito

While the cake was a good idea that is simply battling the test of time, this concoction started off on the wrong path. It's a burrito, filled with grubs, and slathered in pink icing. The description sums it up best: What could make a grub burrito actually taste good? Pink frosting!... Um, no.

Alternative: The Vegetarian Fyora Day Taco manages to be a wrapped-up, glittery mixture of pink and purple... minus the mixture of grubs and frosting.

Pink Mashed Potatoes

Keeping with the food theme, these mashed potatoes don't even have the excuse of being labeled "Gross Food," like the grubby (literally) pink burrito above. What makes them pink? What are the wings made of? Are they just decorative or do you eat them, too? Can these potatoes fly? Why would you want pink potatoes in the first place? Why does it sparkle? I shouldn't have this many questions about a serving of mashed potatoes.

Alternative: There are plenty of pink Faerie Foods that don't instill fear and confusion into the connoisseur, like Soup Faerie Soup or Strawberry Faerie Sundae.

Heartatoe

I'm not sure what to say except – what is that? It appears potato-like in shape, is labeled a Tropical Food, and is covered in gray... worms? Sprouts? Potato eyes? Keep far away from this thing, I think it's up to something. (Oh gosh, I hope this isn't what those Pink Mashed Potatoes are made of...)

Alternative: There is no alternative to the Heartatoe, there is only the knowledge that it exists and the desire to put as much distance between it and yourself as humanly possible.

Grinning Pull Along Poogle

If you've ever heard the phrase "nightmare fuel," I think this is it. This toy, with its terrifying hinged jaw and gigantic gnashing teeth, is literal fuel for nightmares. If you give this to your pet to play with, you'd better be sure they have a strong constitution, because as a pull along toy, that terrible toothy "grin" is going to follow them around wherever they go.

Excuse me while I go build that pile of Pink Doglefox Plushies and try to get scary Poogle faces out of my brain.

Alternative: The Pink Flotsam Pull Toy manages to execute the same idea, but without the injection of absolute terror.

Jar of Meepit Eyes

Though not overwhelmingly the theme color, this item is based off of Neopia's very own evil pink masterminds – Meepits. I'm really not sure what to say about this, because it's two eyes suspended in strange, greenish-gray goo, and aside from the words I just used to describe it, I'm kind of at a loss. It's also worth noting that the lid is part of a Meepit head, and seems to have no eyes, so I really don't want to imagine how these things are manufactured. Thankfully, this isn't a food item, although it is a Battledome item, which carries its own haunting implications.

Alternative: Although you can't take it to the Battledome, a regular ol' Meepit would be a fine alternative. I mean, they're kind of creepy, but they can be cute, if you stare at them long enough, into their large, knowing eyes... just... stare into their eyes...

...actually, what was I talking about? Jar of Meepit Eyes is a great item. Everybody should have one! I know I was suggesting that they were a little weird, or perhaps insinuated they were part of some evil plot, but that's just silly. Why would Meepits do such a thing? Long live Meepits! ALL HAIL MEEPITS, ALL HAIL MEEPITS...

...whoa, I feel like I blacked out there for a minute. What happened? Anyway, this Valentine's Day when you're stocking up on your yearly dose of pink, try to avoid the above items if at all possible.

 
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