The Traveling Neopian: Neolodge Reviews: Stop #5
Time to choose Brent's news! Okay, sorry about the bad rhyming opening. I'm trying to come up with a catch phrase. I feel like I'm the only celebrity without one. How about "You can cheer, Brent's here!" Is that better? What about "News from Brent, now pay your rent!" No, no, that's awful! Maybe I should just stick with the original opening. I guess it's not too horrible.
Time to choose Brent's news! That's right everyone, I'm back with a review for a brand new hotel, Ye Old Ship Inn. I must admit that I'm excited about this one! I've always dreamed about being a pirate. Hasn't every young boy? Anyway, back to my news. I know that you all know who I am, but a proper introduction in every article is in the job description. Sorry to bore all of you. Protocols.
My name is Brent. I am a dashing blue Ixi who has been given a very special job by the Neopian Times. I have been asked to review each Neolodge hotel in a way that has never been done before. I am staying at each Neolodge hotel for four weeks (all-expense paid, of course) so that I can provide a proper and insightful review of each hotel. My review is broken down into five categories. The first category is entitled "About the Hotel". In this section, I write all about the hotel. What kind of hotel it is, how many stars it has, how much it costs to stay, where it is located, all that Jazzmosis. The next category is called "First Impressions", and you'll never believe what I talk about in that category. I talk about my first day at the hotel. My first impressions. Who would have guessed? After that, I write my "Second Impressions" category, where I write about my opinions of the hotel after having stayed there for two weeks. Then I write my "Final Impressions" category, where I discuss my thoughts after having stayed at the hotel for the entire four weeks. Lastly, I write my "What to Bring" section, where I list off all of the items that I would recommend bringing if you were planning a trip to this hotel. Easy enough, right? So, who wants to learn about Ye Old Ship Inn? I do!
About the Hotel:
Ye Old Ship Inn is a salty little inn located in Warf Wharf where pirates and those wanting to be pirates check in for a couple of days. It costs a mere one hundred neopoints for an all-expense paid night, and for a trip like mine, it costs two thousand eight hundred neopoints. Not too expensive for a nice holiday. If your room is on the east side, you have a magnificent view of the sea, and if you check in on any other side, you have a lovely view of... Well, a lovely view of something I suppose. It is, after all, a luxury three star hotel. I'm sure that I'll have a wonderful stay here.
It doesn't look very impressive from the outside. The wood is worn, like it has weathered many a salty seastorm. It probably has. But if I have learned anything from this job, it is not to judge by appearances. I also noticed that the front door was in halves, like the door to an Alabriss stall. The top half had been swung open, leaving only the lower half closed. I unlatched the bottom half and closed it behind me.
The lobby was a little different than I expected. Rather then having a couch and a fireplace, maybe some reading material like most hotels have, this one was set up with wooden tables and chairs. After a moment of looking around, I realized that this was their restaurant and burger bar. Waitresses walked about with wooden trays and menus, eagerly serving trays of seafood to hungry customers. In one corner was a neat little buffet table filled with buns, hamburger patties, cheddar cheese, swiss cheese, lettuce leaves, slices of tomato, rings of fresh onion, juicy pickles, chips, and packets of assorted sauces. Finally! A burger bar that was actually a burger bar and looked appetizing. It had been months since I had last had a decent hamburger at a hotel. I knew what my first meal was going to be.
At the front of the room was a long counter. A pirate Krawk was managing it, passing out tankards of thornberry fruit grog and setting down plates of pan fried fish with chips. Behind him was a rack of keys. I told him that I wanted a room, and after paying him my neopoints up front, he handed me a key to a room. I carried my own suitcase up three flights of stairs before I found my room, which was on the east side of the building. I unlocked the door to have a good look at my room.
Inside was a good sized bed with two plump pillows and thin, scratchy sheets. In the opposite corner was a desk with a window over it. The window had canvas curtains and a lovely view of the sea, though most of what I saw were ships. My room also had a brass floor lamp, a comfy armchair, a chest of drawers, and a neat little table with a copy of the Neopian Times and an issue of the Krawk Island Chronicles. There was a door off to the side that led into the bathroom, which had a wicker bathtub, sink, and toilet. Who in Neopia wants wicker bathroom furniture? Ah, well, maybe it works better than everyone thinks it does. I turned on the sink, just to test it. Most of the water fell through the drain, but several drops dripped onto the wooden floor. Maybe it does work exactly as well as everyone expects.
After looking around my floor, I discovered a laundry chute and some potato sacks with instructions next to them. If I put my clothes in one of the sacks, filled out one of the name tags, and tossed the bag down the laundry chute, they would wash it for me and return the clothes to my room. There was also a note saying that they didn't follow any special washing instructions. Everything was washed in cold water and they didn't do dry cleaning. It's a good thing I didn't bring my tuxedo then.
I'd had a big breakfast at my last hotel, so I wasn't as hungry as I could have been. I decided to have a good look around at the extras. The pool was a decent size, and it had a diving board. The sauna was nice and steamy, the jacuzzi was relaxing, and there was even a tennis court, but judging by the looks of it, it isn't used very often. I don't imagine many pirates play tennis. There was also a fitness center, but the only equipment in there was a collection of beat-up practice swords. They must do a lot of swashbuckling around here.
After exploring and trying out a few extras, I decided that I was hungry, so I visited the burger bar and helped myself to everything I needed to make a double cheeseburger, as well as a good portion of chips. After that, I took a seat at a table and was joined by three pirates who had just come off a ship called The Plathydon. They shared their swashbuckling tales and taught me how to play Bilge Dice, which I figured would come in handy in a place like this. After that, we went to the Food Club in order to watch the latest match, between Stuff-A-Roo and Fairfax the Deckhand. It was really a rather exciting match, and since my friends placed their bets well, they even paid for dinner at The Golden Dubloon after watching the match and playing a few rounds of Deckball. It was a pretty good meal too. I started off with a crusty clam surprise, followed by some of their famous Krawk pie, topped off with a krakuberry cove and some tchea grog. After dinner, we headed back to the inn and called it a night, but we agreed to meet up for breakfast the next day. I saw a good vacation ahead of me.
Unfortunately, my friends didn't stick around forever. The ship was only in port for three days, and after that they left. All of my friends left after a few days. It was disappointing, but there were always new friends coming in, all with their own swashbuckling stories from their personal sailing experiences that all sounded exactly the same. But I learned how to swashbuckle a little, and I even learned a couple of sea shanties which I now sing quite often to make the place feel more authentic.
Anyway, about the hotel. To be completely honest, the rooms here aren't that great. The view is nice, should you have a room on the east side of the building, but overall, the rooms at other hotels I have visited are better. The wicker bathrooms are terrible, since they don't hold any water. This includes the toilet. I've had to do a lot of cleaning that I haven't wanted to do. The sheets on the bed are also very scratchy, and I usually sleep without them, since it's very hot around here. The lamp also didn't work, and no number of calls to maid service fixed that.
Outside of my room, I had a pretty good time. The food at the restaurant is good, especially their key lime pie. I have no idea why it's so much better then normal key lime pie, but it sure is yummy! The fitness center is perfect for a bit of swashbuckling at any hour of the day, and I've learned so much that I've bested a number of worthy swashbucklers and pirates. (Okay, they were all deckhands, and one of them just swabbed the deck.) The swimming pool is nice too, since it's empty most of the time. I can easily do a few laps and not be disturbed. I've also perfected my cannonball. Yay!
I've had the most fun touring different parts of the island with my friends. I've even made a few neopoints betting on champions at the Food Club, which is a first for me. I haven't had the chance to make money for a while. I've been spending money for most of my long holiday. There isn't a lot of shopping that I can do to spend my money either, so I think I have profited from this holiday. Of course, this profit will almost certainly be lost after my next holiday, and maybe the one after that, but I'm having a great time!
Well, this is it. My last day at Ye Old Ship Inn. I've enjoyed the neopets here more than I have enjoyed the actual hotel. As I said before, the rooms weren't that great. However, the service wasn't bad. The laundry service does a pretty good job. My clothes always come back nice and clean. They did steal my watch though. In retrospect, it wasn't a good idea to put my watch in the laundry sack in the first place. I don't know what came over me. Hopefully, the next land I go to sells watches. I can use the neopoints I earned from the Food Club to purchase a new one. I needed a new one anyway.
The food here is great, much better than what I have been served at other places. There is lots of fresh seafood on the restaurant menu, and the burger bar is great! However, I will say this. There aren't a lot of vegetarian options. So, if you're a vegetarian, I wouldn't recommend spending a really long holiday here. If you do, you'd better get used to endless salad and breadsticks, because that's about all they serve that's vegetarian. Also chips and hot cakes. But that's pretty much it.
Most importantly, the entertainment here is great. Krawk Island is a busy island, and there always seems to be something fun to do around here. And if nothing is going on, then you can make good times happen. Take some swashbuckling lessons at the academy, or learn from your friends. Play a game of Bilge Dice in the lobby/restaurant/burger bar. Ask a random pirate about their swashbuckling tales. Head down to the shore and watch the ships come in. Stack as many burgers as you can on one bun until the manager yells at you. (I got seventeen! See if you can beat that!) Try to visit the governor in his mansion. Look for buried treasure. Go for a swim. Visit some petpets. Sing some sea shanties. Have some chips. Whatever you do, it's sure to be wonderful.
What to Bring:
In case you didn't get this from my fabulously written opening paragraph or the title of this section, this is a list of all the items that I would recommend bringing to this establishment if you are planning a holiday here. Nothing much, just a few essentials.
- A practice sword- They do have some at the fitness center, but you can never count on getting the same one. Any pirate will tell you that it's important to know your blade, even if it's just a practice sword. A Capn Threelegs training sword is recommended.
- A shovel- If you want to look for treasure, you'll need them.
- "Pirate Small Talk"- This is a cheap book that is a great way to break the ice with pirates and make friends.
- Healing potions- In case you lose a few hit points while swashbuckling with your friends.
- Dubloons- You should visit The Golden Dubloon at least once for dinner. About twenty Dubloons per customer should do.
- Neopoints- For once, these aren't for spending. They're for earning more!
Here's what NOT to bring:
- Vanishing Dubloon- Everyone thinks that this is a great idea for earning Dubloons. It isn't. If a pirate loses his Dubloon, you will most likely be challenged to a duel, and unless you are a master swashbuckler, you will lose, and lose an awful lot of hit points.
- A Dubloon bank- People think that this a good way to protect their Dubloons. It just gives petty pilferers a target. If you keep your Dubloons in this, you will lose them.
- Clay Dubloons- Nobody thinks that these are real.
- Chocolate Dubloons- Nobody thinks that these are real either.
- Chocolate Cake- If you bring this and don't eat it right away, it will be stolen.
Okay. That just about covers it. Bring/Don't bring those items, and you should have a pretty great holiday. Just don't stay out too late. If you do, the chances of something you have with you being stolen dramatically increases. Stay safe, watch your pockets, and have a great trip! I'm on to my next hotel. I'll see you all in four weeks! This is Brent, setting down his quill.
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