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Captain of the Nothingness Guard


by yoshifan272

--------

Dear Hanso,

     I'm writing from Faerieland to tell you how things have been coming along, and I must say, these Faeries have been working really hard to restore Faerieland back to its former glory. I wish you could see it, but I guess the royal Brightvale dungeons have been far more secured since your "escape acts" and our "big excursion." I haven't been doing as much these days, with the exception of gathering a few supplies for these Faeries that they need for the building process. I'm sure you aren't doing too much yourself, but knowing you, you've probably found a way to keep yourself busy, like how you always keep yourself in trouble.

     Anyway, I hope you're doing well, and hopefully I'll stop by Brightvale and pay the thorn in my side a visit soon.

     Your friend,

     Brynn, Captain of the Faerieland Guard

     ****

     Hanso,

     Today, the Earth Faerie told me to fetch something for her. It was some book called, "How To Teach Your Ixi to Waterski." Thought you would get a kick out of that. At the same time, I'm wondering why she would need a book like this. Was she going to tear out the pages to use as paint... brushes? I don't really know. I had to go all the way to the Neovia Printing Press to find a copy for her. (She gave me a deadline, so I really had to book it.)

     I was able to get another copy, so I attached a copy of the book for you, in case if you get bored messing with the guards and want some "reading material."

     -Brynn, Captain of the Faerieland Guard

     ****

     Hanso,

     When I went to go get the Earth Faerie's book yesterday, it got me thinking about the fact that I had to pay 1,400 NP for two copies, and how easy it would be if you just waltzed right in and stole them like what you would always do free of charge. Oh, why did you have to try and steal the King's crown? You're a great thief, but not great enough to pass the elite guards that hover around the palace walls 24/7. What were you thinking? You'll be in that prison for the next year because of that stupid stunt and... and...

     Oh, never mind. I guess just go for the smaller things once you get out of prison, especially since I'm not there to bail you out anymore. (Come to think of it, I don't know if I'd even be able to if I was still there, since you, you know, TRIED TO STEAL THE KING'S CROWN.)

     I swear, you can be so idiotic sometimes... but at least you still have your cunning and company to make up for it.

     -Brynn, Captain of the Faerieland Guard

     ****

     Hanso,

     I really don't know how I feel about taking this job in Faerieland. I mean, Brightvale was my home that I... we lived in our whole lives. Also, all I've done are these quests. Get me this. Fetch me that. Do this. Do that. You have until sunset, etc. I haven't guarded anything, arrested anyone, broken up any fights or sassed any guards... this doesn't really make sense!

     I still don't know what the book for the Earth Faerie was for. I don't know what many of these things are for. They have many of the supplies they need such as food and whatnot, so why am I running around doing things without any questions?

     Ah well. Anything to help Faerieland, I suppose. I guess I just miss Brightvale and, you know, being part of a guard.

     Oh, gotta go. The Fire Faerie is calling.

     -Brynn, Captain of the Faerieland Guard

     ****

     Hanso,

     Get a load of this one.

     So, the Fire Faerie called me up yesterday like I said in my last letter, and like always, she asked me for something. Strangely, however, she asked for a Bottled Light Faerie. I mean... what? If she wanted help from the Light Faerie, could she not just ask her? Well... actually, now that I think of it, the Fire Faerie has had a bone to pick with the Light Faerie. Hmm.

     Anyway, I went to Kauvara's shop to go find the Faerie's faerie, (doesn't that just SOUND weird?) but then I noticed that she didn't have any in stock. She told me to wait for her "restock."

     So I waited.

     FOR THREE HOURS.

     After those THREE HOURS, I walked for a couple more hours back to Faerieland to give the Fire Faerie what she wanted, and instead of thanking me, she actually rebuked me for being "too slow." Wasn't the fact I got the weird thing for her without any questions enough? After the painstaking hours and distance I travelled to get her a single item?

     I guess not.

     I... whatever. I guess I just needed to vent. It's been stressing me out, trying to fill in all these requests, and it gets annoying when I don't get the appreciation I feel as though I deserve.

     -Brynn, Captain of the Faerieland Guard

     ****

     Hanso,

     It's BRYNN a while.

     I always thought I would get sick of your puns and all, but... well, I guess not. With all these Faeries like the Fire Faerie yelling at me a few days ago, it's hard to actually be casual and "cut loose." Everyone is just so serious here, and they want the job done at a certain time in a certain way, no questions asked. One would think that's what I want, but... I actually hate the glares and huffs some of these Faeries are giving me, telling me to "wipe that look off your face," when I'm just smiling at them. It's all been business here.

     HAN-so, how are things in prison?

     -Brynn, Captain of the Faerieland Guard

     ****

     Hanso,

     Sometimes I wonder if you even get these. I feel like I'm sending these letters to some brick wall, and sometimes I wish that brick wall would just write back sometimes. I don't really know what you're up to in prison, but... eh.

     Just reply if you can. Write a joke or something. Something better than mine, anyway... using our names as puns was pathetic, even for me.

     I haven't really had a smile in a while. I miss it.

     -Brynn, Captain of the Faerieland Guard

     ***

     Hanso,

     The Fire Faerie was nothing compared to these other quests that have come flooding in.

     The Water Faerie recently wanted me to get her a box of Turmac Snacks, the Dark Faerie wanted a Red Cybunny Plushie, and even Fyora herself wanted a Lord Kass Scooter.

     These requests keep coming in one after the other, and I can't seem to catch a break.

     I don't consider myself the captain of anything anymore. You may now refer to me as, "Faerieland's Delivery Girl."

     Oooh, look! The Neopian Food Shop is restocking! I'll have to see if they have the Light Faerie's Chicken Nuggets!

     -Brynn, Faerieland's Delivery Girl

     P.S. Do you know where I can find a Samuel No Eyes trading card? The Space Faerie "NEEEEEEEEEDS" it.

     ***

     Hanso,

     Hanso.

     Hanso.

     WHY DID WE TURN XANDRA TO STONE?

     This sounds crazy and I haven't slept in three days, (took a while to find a Grey Altachuck and twelve Beekadoodles, surely you understand,) but hear me out. Maybe, just maybe Xandra went crazy from doing all these quests! A-And, and maybe, just maybe the reason why she wanted to turn the faeries to stone was so poor, innocent Neopets won't have to do these mundane quests and go crazy like her and me and holy Darigan on roller skates her plan was brilliant why did we ruin it Hanso we killed the magic whyyyyyy?

     AND WHEN DID IT BECOME FOUR IN THE MORNING DANG IT XANDRA IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR LOSING AND STUFF.

     -Brynn the Sleep-Deprived Kougra

     P.S. I swear I just saw Fyora on her Lord Kass Scooter roll past the window, but it was a tree I think and I need to actually sleep n

     ***

     Hanso,

     Right, so... sorry for the drool on the last letter, and for... you know. Cutting off the letter mid-sentence. I only got a half hour of sleep on my desk and woke up to the knocks of the Dark Faerie, along with her incessant groaning over the lack of Lime Jelly in her life. I didn't even know where you can GET Lime Jelly. Was there, like, some island full of jelly that the Dark Faerie expects me to swim to just to get the jelly for her?

     I was running on empty, darting around to find that stupid jelly for her, and when I finally found it, she snarled at it, just SUDDENLY deciding she hated lime and instead wanted lemon instead of lime.

     So I did whatever any respectable guard would do and shoved the jelly in her face.

     For that act of hostility, do you think that will get me kicked out of Faerieland? Fingers crossed. I'm apparently supposed to meet with Fyora about it in a few hours.

     But first, I'm off to go find Lemon Jelly.

     -Brynn, the Kougra Who's Just About Had It

     ***

     Hanso,

     So I talked with Fyora.

     And she didn't even know about how the Dark Faerie's hair was smothered with green, citrus goo. Instead, she was just wondering where her copy of How To Teach Your Ixi To Waterski was, since the Earth Faerie recommended it to her. No telling me to back off. No exile orders. No rebuking of any sort, which, frankly, I crave, since it would remind me that I still have some authority I have to abide by at all times. No.

     I gave her a copy a few hours ago, and she just nodded at me. That. Was. IT. No thank you. No other form of conversation. Nothing.

     That's how it's been all along. I've been treated terribly here, getting the most obscure things for these faeries and have felt it's gone to nothing. All I have is a title and a costume. I am the captain of weird books, of Beekadoodles, of Chicken Nuggets, and of idiotic quests. Of insomnia, of frustration, of writing annoying letters, and of missing you.

     It's been months since I've left Brightvale, and I forgot how much I adored it there.

     How much I loved being happy as a guard.

     I miss us.

     I miss everything.

     I just want to bail you out like old times and run off to go on some crazy adventure and do our own quests, you and me, with no faeries around. I want the reinforcement, the companionship, the sleep, the everything.

     I miss you, Hanso. I won't apologize for the little dots on the page.

     -Brynn, the Kougra Who Has Had It

     ***

     Dearest Brynneth, Captain of the Faerieland Guard, Faerieland's Delivery Girl, the Kougra Who Is Sleep-Deprived, About Had It, and Has Had It,

     Okay, so, I've gotten your letters, okay? All of them. Honestly.

     But these guards, though. They're jerks. I can read the letters, sure, but I can't respond to them, apparently. No one here will let me... with the exception of that Skeith guard that followed Altador and Jazan around a long while back, and that was because I swatted the heck out of him with my unused envelope and told him to sneak a letter under the elite's noses. So, if you get this letter, it means that doofus actually likes me, unlike literally everyone else here.

     Brightvale has been boring lately. There's really not much material I can work with here, considering the burly, monotone men that have eaten Blumaroo Steaks bigger than my head for breakfast every morning; harassing them has been quite the pain with that amped up security.

     I've even pulled the Celebrity Card, but apparently having your own plushie still doesn't get you any special privileges. I eat gruel every night, I spit out the gruel every night, I lie on a wooden plank every night, I don't sleep any night. I guess you feel agony and borderline insanity if you stay in a prison for more than three hours. Huh.

     I guess I kinda miss you too, Brynneth. For the few hours I would stay in here time and again, you sure knew how to keep it interesting, and... and nice. I miss that warmth, I guess. Like what you said on companionship and whatever. I get what you mean.

     So.

     I need to get out of here.

     You need to get out of there.

     You break me out.

     I steal a crown.

     We cut our hair, paint our fur, change our names, sell some crowns in the black market, and start teaching fellow Ixis how to waterski. You know. "Just like old times." Now, I don't know about you, but I find this plan to be excellent. We teach. We make bank. We don't do quests. We don't eat gruel. We sleep on mattresses.

     Whatcha say, Captain? Permission to proceed with the plan?

     -Juan_Isadore_Salvanty, the Disco Ixi Waterski Instructor

     P.S. So an Aisha walks into a bar. They then say, "Ouch."

     ***

     Juan_Isadore_Salvanty,

     Permission granted.

     -CaptainMarianne99827, the Rainbow Kougra Waterski Instructor

     P.S. Booooooo. Weak. 1/10. Better have a better one once we start up classes next summer.

The End

 
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