The Definitive Ranking of Yooyus
Now that the Altador Cup is in full swing, most everyone is familiar with the official sport of the Cup, Yooyuball, and its star players: the Yooyus! What about the teams? Well, what about the teams? They can't play without the Yooyus! Imagine if the Yooyus went on strike!
Chances are, you have a favourite Yooyu and a least favourite Yooyu. Pretty much anyone who has played the game does, and we all pretty much agree on the top and worst Yooyu. But what about those four Yooyus in the middle, those poor mostly-ignored things? Definitive ranking to the rescue!
#7: Darigan Yooyu
Behaviour: moves in a straight line... in a random direction.
Probably not much of a surprise. No offence to Lord Darigan, but if I were you I'd get my name off of this thing stat. The Darigan Yooyu is extremely annoying, since it has absolutely no predictable behaviour that you can work off of. Entire games have been lost to this Yooyu, and I personally have scored it in my own goal embarrassingly often. Of course, the opposing team scores on itself sometimes with it too.
#6: Fire Yooyu
Behaviour: moves in a straight line with speed. Hot. Extremely hot. The player in control shoots it off after a few seconds.
LET THE OUTRAGE BEGIN. Come at me, bro, I'm ready.
If you can gain control of it and score it within three seconds, you're golden. But if the other team gets it first, or if you miss the goal and the goalie sends it to the other side of the screen, a battle similar to that of the Darigan Yooyu can ensue. In some ways, it's even worse, since it moves at the speed of sound and you can't even hold on to it for very long.
You can score it sometimes when you're on the other side on the field, i.e. at your goal, if nobody is in the way and the goalie is feeling a bit caffeine-deprived and looking forward to a nap, but it's not a very reliable method.
Confoundedly, the fire Yooyu is often labeled as a favourite. It must have super mind powers.
#5: Mutant Yooyu
Behaviour: adopts the behaviour of one of the other Yooyus at random.
This guy gets a lot of disrespect. It's understandable enough, but while he has a couple of annoying habits, he can also take on the behaviour of one of the more pleasant Yooyus! And on the bright side, he won't be a Darigan Yooyu for the entire play.
#4: Faerie Yooyu
Behaviour: moves in an arc.
The faerie Yooyu can take some getting used to, and sometimes you'll need a couple of tries to score her. This would ordinarily be annoying, but the curve of the movement throws off the opponents, so getting control back isn't as difficult as it might otherwise be.
If you're having trouble scoring, try standing in front of the goal with the goalie in the center. The Yooyu will arc away from you and towards a corner of the goal.
#3: Snow Yooyu
Behaviour: moves in a straight line at a slow speed.
He's basically the opposite of the fire Yooyu. He moves slowly, but you can hold on to him. You'll just want to score him normally, getting a little closer to the goal than you normally would.
#2: Clockwork Yooyu
Behaviour: moves in a straight line, but will explode after a randomly designated number of seconds if not scored.
He's the normal Yooyu with some excitement! Also sometimes referred to as the robot Yooyu, he can be a relief. If you don't score right away, you don't have to fight with the opposing team for control for two minutes, because he'll diffuse the fight himself! He's a nice guy. He doesn't even hurt your players when he goes off.
#1: Regular Yooyu
Behaviour: moves in a straight line.
All hail the king! The regular Yooyu is kind of boring compared to the others, but he's also the most reliable. He's not too much or too little and he doesn't require any fancy techniques. You just need to figure out one or two ways to play him and you're golden.
And let us not forget the Yooyu helpers, the things that help us in tight spots when we're having trouble scoring or even when we're not, just speeding up the process: the powerups! There are four of them, and unlike the Yooyus, they're all useful. Playing favourites is harder with them, and more subjective, but there's a definitive ranking for them anyway, because definitive rankings need to exist for everything.
#4: Mystery Powerup
Behaviour: super sizes your players.
This powerup is probably the most universally useful, since the enlarged sizes of your players helps them shoot harder, run over opponents to avoid getting tackled, and defend your goal much easier. It can also be a little clumsy, though it's amusing to see your team three or four times bigger than your opponent's.
#3: Speed Boost
Behaviour: makes your players move faster.
Probably the most common powerup, the speed boost is useful for dodging players from the other team. It's probably most useful when you have the fire or Darigan Yooyu, so you can pretend you have finesse and score more easily. Picking up the Yooyu can be weird sometimes, since unless you have laser-precision aim you might accidentally go right past it and then run in an awkward square around it.
...that part might just be me.
#2: Goal Expansion
Behaviour: expands the opposing team's goal. A lot. A lot a lot.
Enemies of the faerie Yooyu, rejoice! As long as you're facing the right direction, it's almost impossible for you to miss now. The larger goal is helpful for other Yooyus too, since you can shoot at all sorts of weird, sharp angles and still make it in. It's also the holy grail for people who shoot the Yooyu at the edge of the goalposts all the time.
#1: Freeze Opponent
Behaviour: encases the opposing team in ice cubes, rendering them unmovable for a short time.
This basically amounts to a free goal. Unless you shoot the Yooyu directly at a frozen player, you have free rein to get the Yooyu, move to the goal, and shoot it in. If the goalie is in the middle of the goal sometimes it can be a tricky fit, but you can almost definitely make it in anyway. The fewer moving players is nice too. Sometimes the field looks like a zoo.
I hope you enjoyed these definitive rankings. They're 100% scientific and any claims to the contrary will be forced to score a Darigan Yooyu.
May you always be gifted with freeze powerups and regular Yooyus!