A Darigan's Guide to Meridell Day
Ah, Discovery of Meridell Day. Or, as we Darigan Citadel residents like to call it, the worst day of the year. While we are absolutely in no way bitter about our war losses from years past, we still find that we cannot celebrate on the thirtieth day of the month of swimming like the average Neopian. Especially because we don't see a Darigan Citadel Day on the Neopian calendar. Nor do we see a day for most other lands, for that matter. What makes Meridell so special? Again, we are not remotely bitter about any of this. Not in the least.
Any Darigan Neopian would surely agree with me – this year's Discovery of Meridell Day was as obnoxiously joyous as ever. It was full of dancing, laughter, and even beautiful fireworks. Horrifying, truly. However, there is still hope for all of us Darigan Neopians out there. Meridell's annual infestation of merriment and good feelings can be overcome. I spent this year's holiday dutifully perfecting my extraordinary coping methods, so that no Darigan will have to silently suffer through it in the future. I present to you all: The top five ways to celebrate Discovery of Meridell Day, Darigan style.
1. Remember the Battle for Meridell? No? I will admit, I have tried to block out the memory of it myself. Luckily, the Neopets games room has provided Darigans everywhere with a great way to replace these tragic memories with uplifting fictional fantasies! All you have to do is load up a game of Neopian Battlefield Legends. Fight for the Darigan Citadel, and win battle after glorious battle over the hapless Meridell. Pretend that this is the way that the Battle for Meridell actually went. Alternatively, if you are horrible at the game, play as Meridell and watch gleefully as the superior Darigan forces obliterate you.
2. Next, stop by King Skarl's Castle. You may want to wear your best disguise for this one. Skarl doesn't like being visited by Darigan Neopians on Discovery of Meridell Day. He seems to think that we might harass him. A horrifying unfair judgment, if I do say so myself. Now, as you know, Skarl holds court every day, and is often visited by Neopians hoping to tell him jokes. He rewards the best of these court jesters, but telling him a joke that fails to elicit a chuckle is the quickest way to get on his bad side. So, naturally, you need to trek over to his throne room and tell him a bad joke. Not just a bad joke – the worst joke that your ears have ever been unfortunate enough to hear. Tell him a joke so lacking in hilarity that he has no choice but to foam at the mouth and throw you out of his castle in a fit of fury. If you tell a joke that unredeemable, you're guaranteed to have ruined at least part of his day. If all Darigan Neopians do it, we'll ruin the whole thing! Well, except for his meal breaks. I'm still working on finding a way to trick him into eating gross food.
3. Here's an option for all of you adrenaline junkies out there: replace the (highly offensive) Kass doll used in Whack-A-Kass with a King Skarl plushie. Enjoy watching the unsuspecting Meridellians repeatedly treat their own leader's likeness like a baseball. This is truly fantastic entertainment, but it won't last - though most Meridellians have below-average intelligence, they will still notice the change within a few hours. At this point, hold up the stolen Kass doll, wave it triumphantly, and yell a few taunts for good measure. Be warned: strangely, this justified action seems to elicit anger from most Meridellians. Immediately following your wittiest taunt, be sure to run. Run quickly. The guards are coming.
4. Go on a jaunt to Faerieland and complete a quest for the faerie Jhudora. Sure, these quests cost precious neopoints, but Jhudora is both a wicked faerie and a strong advocate of the color purple. It'd be wrong not to spend neopoints on someone with whom us Darigans have so much in common. Once Jhudora's quest is complete, venture from Faerieland to Illusen's Glade on the edge of Meridell. You don't even have to tell her that you've come from Jhudora's Bluff – she can smell it on you. Before you can even ask for a quest, she will let you know that your fraternization with Jhudora has deeply disappointed her. She thought you two were friends, and now she cannot even bear to see your face for a good twelve hours. And just like that, another Meridellian's is day ruined. Amazing.
5. An anti-Meridell celebration would not be complete without a visit to the dungeons of Darigan Citadel. Our dark, dingy prison cells are unparalled in their ability to promote misery and hopelessness. If you suffer from near-blindness, and squint a bit, you can pretend that one of the prisoners is Meridell's own King Skarl. Even better, you can visit real Meridellian prisoners without needing impaired eyesight at all! Meridell's Squire Meekel, an imprisoned Kacheek, lives in constant fear that the Skeiths that captured him will return to eat him for lunch. The Yellow Knight executed a failed solo assault against our beloved citadel, and has been kindly rewarded with a small, dingy cell and gruel three times a day. Both of these Meridellians, and many others, will be rotting away in Darigan chains for every Discovery of Meridell Day in the foreseeable future. They're even available for you to humiliate at a game of Cellblock if you so choose. I guarantee that these Meridellians locked away in the Darigan Dungeons will not be gleefully celebrating Discovery of Meridell Day like the rest of their misguided populace. What could be more uplifting than a gaggle of miserable Meridell natives on their land's favorite holiday?
The above five steps should be enough to both ruin Meridell's holiday and enhance yours. So remember to bookmark this article, and make sure to faithfully execute my guide on the thirtieth of next year's month of swimming. With enough manpower and some luck, we can all work together to make Discovery of Meridell Day a holiday that all Meridellians dread!
Have any other suggestions for ways that Darigans can celebrate Meridell Day? Be sure to neomail them to me!