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The Majesty of Cheese

by quillweave


So you need to impress someone. A colleague, a boss, an evil overlord - one way or another, you have company coming, and you need to pull out all the stops to ensure they leave knowing (or at least thinking) that you are an elegant, well-spoken member of Neopian society. But how? You don't have the time to brush up your vocabulary, you don't have the neopoints to re-furnish, and you certainly don't have a doomsday weapon to impress that overlord. How can you possibly hope to woo the powerful and mighty to your side? How can you possibly hope to declare yourself an aristocrat when you can barely pronounce the word?

It's time to shop for cheese.

Cheese, despite the use of it in certain extracurricular rolling activities, is a food of gentility. Coming in all shapes, sizes and even hues, offering flavours from mild to sharp and textures from creamy to crumbling, cheese is truly the finest choice of hor d'oeuvres. It can be paired with nearly any kind of beverage, and when done correctly such a partnership of cheese and drink creates an exquisite dining experience bound to impress. The myriad of scents from the cheese section of your Neopian store may be intimidating, but never fear – simply scrunch up your nose, reach for your purse and follow this indispensable guide.

The Majesty of Cheese

Type: Soft White Cheese

Accompanying Beverage: Magenorb Juice

In this pairing, the cheese is actually second in flavour to the drink. Though the shell is hard, almost crispy to the touch, the inside of the cheese is delectably creamy, soft and palatable. It melts on the tongue and is a soothing accompaniment to the unpredictable, but inevitably strong flavour of Magenorb juice. As a bonus, both of these products can be obtained in shops from the kingdoms of Meridell and Brightvale respectfully, side by side.

Type: Dirt Cheese

Accompanying Beverage: Parsley Juice

Though perhaps not suitable for your more carnivorous guests, this pairing is an excellent choice for vegetarians and those with a love of the earth. The cheese tastes of the soil it was ripened in, rich and nutty, and has a crumbly, almost toasted texture from laying in the sun, while the parsley juice offers a slightly bitter and cool contrast.

Type: Quadruple Fudge Cheese Wedge

Accompanying Beverage: Kau Kau Farm Organic Bottled Milk

Are you entertaining elegant company with a sweet tooth? Be sure to pick up this decadently chocolate cheese to sweeten them up to you. The flavour is deep, dark and intense, the texture foamy and silky with the accompanying fudge sauce. It is suggested you keep this cheese safely in your fridge until your guest is ready, as it is certainly best cold and prone to melting if left too long at room temperature. As for the accompanying beverage, while carton Kau Kau milk is a fine if slightly low-brow choice, the truly dedicated will seek our organic bottled milk. With its clean, fresh taste and exorbitant price, it will surely show your guest that you have taste in even the simplest of products.

Type: Brain Cheese

Accompanying Beverage: Eyeball Slushie

Though this pair is a bold choice, it will surely please and impress both denizens of the Haunted Woods and those who respect intellect and foresight. The cheese is unusual, with a rather slippery surface and rubbery texture, but can be chewed and has a certain interesting savoury taste, reminiscent of escargot. The drink, meanwhile, is cool and slushy with an unexpected bite to it, lessening the slippery remnants that the brain cheese tends to leave on the tongue. And how better to demonstrate that you appreciate both cleverness and perception?

Type: Smoked Snorkle Cheese

Accompanying Beverage: Thornberry Brew

Having guests with fearsome jaws and a taste for meat? Be sure to follow your nose to the hearty smoked scent of this cheese. With a crispy outside and thick but tender inside, this cheese is sure to satisfy even the most dedicated carnivore. It can even be glazed with some of the accompanying drink to bind the flavours, giving this smoky and savoury cheese a hint of sweetness. The brew that matches is very sweet indeed, making for a delicious contrast of intense tastes. Water is also suggested with this pairing as it will cleanse the palate between bites and sips of these fearsomely flavourful choices.

Type: Fishy Cheese

Accompanying Beverage: Refreshing Oasis Water

Perhaps your visitor is from the barren, sun-baked desert or the cool, mysterious oceans? Either way, this simple but satisfying pairing will certainly impress. The fishy cheese alone presents beautifully with its glossy azure scales that catch the light with every movement and, though it isn't edible, it is suggested this rind is left on to provide a conversation piece. The inside is flaky and oceanic, with a clean and slightly sweet taste that turns salty as one gets closer to the scaly rind outside the cheese. The water could be replaced by simple bottled water, but oasis water has a much more refreshing taste.

Type: Deluxe Cheese Fondue

Accompanying Beverage: Sparkling Grape Juice

Having more than one or two guests? Perhaps the committee of Sloth Supporters or even members of the infamous Sway are coming for dinner? Be sure to provide for everyone while showing your refinement by offering this elegant match. The fondue is hot and gooey, perfectly coating any choice of meat or bread, and offers an excellent chance for witty banter to further earn the respect of your guest. The beverage, meanwhile, is a classic choice – truly sparkling in any glass, it is an airy and sweet accompaniment to the savoury fondue.

Type: Space Cheese

Accompanying Beverage: Oil and Nuts Slushie

Is your guest incapable of consuming normal food? Instead of cheese and juice, are they sustained by oil and electricity? Never fear! You can still regale your robotic guests with a fine meal just for them. Space Cheese is a unique creation, encased in metal and circuitry. The inside, meanwhile, can uniquely only be enjoyed by cybernetic palates, though some non-metallic beings lucky enough to see it open have described it as smelling 'metallic' and 'tingly.' The drink, while not suitable for non-robotic consumption, is an efficient and logical choice regardless of programming.

Type: Chocolate Coated Blue Cheese

Accompanying Beverage: Juppie Juice Clear

Do you feel the need to demonstrate your wealth while feeding your company? This truly opulent meal is the crème de la crème of cheese and drink, costing well into the millions for a single serving. However, there are few more extraordinary culinary experiences to be had in Neopia. The cheese, creamy and veined with delicate turquoise mold, is sharp and salty choice with a unique texture that crumbles on the tongue. The chocolate coating adds a silky smooth sweetness to each bite, and the accompanying juppie juice is an excellent palate cleanser. This may be an expensive option, but to truly win the respect of your guests, whether they be peers, employers, duchess or overlord, there is no better choice.

In summary, there are many scrumptious morsels from around Neopia that can be used to charm and woo those around you and help you reach the pinnacle of Neopian high society. Whether you're seeking to gain membership in an exclusive guild or to catch the eye of the rich and famous, cheeses from Meridell to beyond the stars are certain to serve you well in your quest. Bon appétit!

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