There are ants in my Lucky Green Boots Circulation: 190,988,565 Issue: 587 | 22nd day of Running, Y15
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Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes (Turn and face the pail)*

by carrotopian


Take heed – when your owner approaches you, smiling sweetly and with what appears to be some tasty tid-bit that they have brought to treat you, ask yourself this question (and more importantly – ask them); "What else does it do?"

Just when I thought my days of being my daft owner's freakish test subject were over, carrotopian has given in to her creepy fascination for any edible and drinkable Neopian items that can cause some unexpected changes to yours truly.

No, I am not talking about her popping over to Kauvara's on a sunny Neopian afternoon and flexing her haggling skills to secure me an exciting new morphing potion! I am referring to her recent, disturbing penchant for unabashed food and drink experimentation and I am the 'lucky' Neopet who has to eat or drink every morsel of this weird-looking stuff she's bringing back with her from all over Neopia. I mean, really – why, I ask you WHY would anyone in their right minds feed their loyal companion of so many years 'Essence of Mortog' eh? Let me read you the description here on this so-called Meridell Potion (potion my ears):

"So that's what they do with the leftovers..."

Leftovers. Ri-i-i-i-ight. Dear reader, you have played 'Kiss The Mortog' I take it? What is that you say? Yes, you there, shaking your head! You have not? Oh my Sloth; you had better sit down.

Basically, you pay 50NP to kiss a Mortog petpet which - if it is a magical Mortog - will then either turn into a handsome prince or beautiful princess; or (and this is far more likely) if it is of the non-magical variety it will just explode in your face.

The latter foulness is clearly where the ingredients for 'Essence of Mortog' are sourced from and I would like to state now - in the interests of trade descriptions - this is not a 'potion'; it is at best, fermenting petpet offal and it is not even from magical petpets! Oh no, they have all turned into royalty and are heading for the nearest ball. You, my friend are left with the ruptured remains of an innocent victim of a drive-by kissing! Now then, as if that is not enough food for thought (pun intended) let us return to the horror of my current predicament although, to be absolutely honest with you, I think I may be partly to blame.

You see, I love eating (and drinking) and my particular passion is Gourmet Food which is, for those of you who are not aware, any food item that has a rarity between 90 and 100 (inclusive). There are even trophies for the top 'Gourmands' in Neopia I have one *pokes lookup*) and a high score table that links you to a list of all the Gourmet Food each Neopet has eaten. It is a fun (if slightly expensive) hobby but, carrotopian rose to the challenge and even turned her Neopian Shop into a Gourmet Food emporium (The Gourmet Food SuAPer Store) to help raise the funds for my exclusive tastes!

Whilst I was enjoying all manner of sweet delicacies on a regular basis, carrotopian and I discovered that some food (gourmet or not) had other properties as well and, as my interest was then piqued, I begged for more information. Thus carrotopian learned that some Neggs, even though they were not gourmets, could change my appearance and my stats. I must say, I was intrigued and, as a result, I have become especially fond of Pumpkin Neggs and their height/weight changing properties (at the time of writing I weigh 274 lbs and I am 20cms in height).

I quickly became obsessed and insisted that carrotopian track down every height/weight changing food in Neopia and that, dear reader, was my undoing. While she was helping me with my very important research into height/weight changing foods, we discovered that there were many, many more food items and other drinkable items (potions – in other words) that could significantly mess with a Neopet's condition (although not necessarily in a good way).

Nevertheless, I was fascinated, I started cataloguing them on my Pet page. You can take a visit over there and see them all but, here's a random selection:

  • Cool Neggs increase your pet's level, HP, Movement and strength
  • Pumpkin Neggs increase your pet's weight and decrease your pet's height
  • A slice of Rainbow Melt Pizza changes your pet's hunger level to "very full"

Pretty neat, eh? There are loads of edible/drinkable items all over Neopia that do this kind of thing and I am sure there are some that have yet to be discovered! Unfortunately, carrotopian has recently informed me that she is SO impressed with my findings that she is going to start trying them all out on me.

Nooooooo! Why?!

What is the matter with you carrotopian? Could you not have given me a Halloween Blumaroo Morphing Potion to drink instead? They might smell vile and they probably taste disgusting but I would rather look like Count Von Roo than Count VOM Roo!

Oh, what is that now? You are "not going to bother [yourself] with morphing/transmogrification potions because they are too obvious." Well, that is just typical.

Ah well, at least I can end on a slightly positive note. Although there are plenty of items out there that can have some dramatic effects when eaten/used, at least carrotopian has promised that she is ONLY interested in the ones that produce positive results (if you can call being short and fat positive) so for now, I think I am relatively safe – just as long as I don't have to start shaving my paws.

Meanwhile, I suppose I will just settle down here, with my lovely, towelling bib on and wait to be assaulted with that... wait, what are you doing with that negg... that IS a negg, isn't it? It looks kind of strange – should it be that spikeeee-ooooh!!!!


*Apologies to Mr. Bowie.

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