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The ENVI's Guide to Better Quality Villains

by parody_ham


All of us have been there. After hours of preparation, hours of toil in a creaky old laboratory where lights intermittently flicker on and off, you are the laughingstock at an evil geniuses convention. They mock your plans, your hideout, and even your henchman! Well, no more. We at the Evil Neopian Villain's Institute or ENVI are here to teach you all the best ways to be maniacal while keeping just a hair of sanity. And for those of us without hair, a full wig is permitted.

Home is where the horror is:

Let's start off simple: an evil lair. Now, any good villain knows that in order to terrify both friend and enemy alike, you need a laboratory that fits your style. First off, there should be neither spider webs nor dim lighting within your lair. For one, it is incredibly cliché to the point where any sinister appeal has disappeared over the years. Besides, that poor lighting will lead to even poorer eyesight, and the last thing you want to do is wear dorky glasses!

What you want to have in your lab is this: test tubes and beakers connected to refluxing equipment. Before you say anything, just listen to this: glowing green liquid always add to the evil appeal, especially when it is oozing down a glass tube. If you can make some concentrated Slothite just for kicks, go for it! Be creative! The best way to scare off critics is with some of your own brews of chemical madness. The more explosive the better!

Besides making your lab look scary, you have to find a location that suits your needs. Looking for something modestly evil but still very affordable? Try to rent a store somewhere within the Neopian marketplace. The best thing about having a lab within this labyrinth of shops is invisibility. With literally thousands of shops around you, it is not hard to blend in with the neighbours. Being inconspicuous is key to a successful lair. After all, you would not want to have a large glowing sign above your lair that says, "this is an evil hideout!" Yeah, don't do that. Even we would laugh at you then.

Now, for those of you evildoers who happen to be entrepreneurs, a secret island somewhere off the coast of Krawk Island is where you want to be. Not only does the island's giant squid provide you with free protection; beautiful beaches bursting with flowers and palm trees await for evil luau parties. Some of you might be wondering how you will be able to leave this island of scientific wonder. The answer is simple: jet packs. We know what you're thinking, but we promise that those Grundos in the space center will not miss one, two, or even twenty of these marvelous contraptions.

Minions: More than just Hired Hands:

Villains of Neopia, today we have a special treat for you. We could simply tell you what minions desire in a evildoer's lair as well as their success stories, but that is simply no fun. We have forced—I mean, invited, these lovely minions to come and share their thoughts about working under a maniacal genius. Also, as an added bonus, some of our guests have come to share with us how they managed to make it above the minion status.

"I'm an intern at Dr. Ryak Shun's lab, and it's great! The metal chutes and hovering platforms make it fun to navigate, but perhaps the most intriguing feature of his lair is the nanobot militia. He says they're supposed to keep the lab jellies at bay... *shifty eyes*"- donte_10

"Dr Shadow: Intern? I have you know that I started all this from the ground up starting with a junior chemistry set! And I'm not mad, I just have a Morally Ambiguous Doctorate!"-dr_tomoe

"For me, the best part of being a minion is the accomplished feeling you get when you help your dark overlord with things. My personal favourite is going through several evil laughs with her. Here's a tip for all potential minions: avoid the stereotypical! Why go with a traditional 'Mwahahaha' when you could go with more subtle 'Ehehehehe' to create a more chilling effect? Remember! As a minion, you have to ensure the spotlight on your evil master is as bright as possible, and the more creative she appears, the better! The manicures on Tuesdays are a nice bonus. A deep aubergine is clearly Lord Darigan's colour!" ~Sima232005

"Working under an evil overlord is a lot of fun, and gives a real sense of accomplishment. You know, for example, when you finish a painting of some kittens, and you sit back and think, "I did that." *coughs* Did I say painting kittens? I meant rampaging through towns and stealing all their valuables. Obviously." ~neo_adopter01

As you can see, minions have very different personalities and interests. While some love the technological side of life, others love a more relaxing beach setting for their evil acts. From personal experience, I can attest that most minions—no matter where they originate from—love cookies. Have you ever heard, "come to the dark side, we have cookies"? If you're looking for some new recruits, sweet things can be a strong point of persuasion for those considering a darker path.

Obtaining Volunteers and Finding Places to Test: How to Use your Resources Wisely

Have you ever desired volunteers for your brilliantly innovative augmentation but could not find anyone? Believe it or not, the famous lab ray scientist had the same issue. At first, few wished to venture to his hideaway for fear of never returning home again. After offering great rewards, such as super strength and unparalleled beauty from his so-called "beauty ray," later called the lab ray for its occasional, shall we say, negative effects, he became a part of mainstream Neopia.

We're not saying that you should lie to Neopians, of course, but stretching the truth never hurt. Usually, promising some amazing rewards, monetary or otherwise, is the easiest way to obtain volunteers. When that doesn't work, remember that force is just as effective. *winks* Even better, minions are more than glad to find some individuals to test on and rarely make objections against your amazing work.

For those of you who are less about live test subjects and more about testing on machines, robots, and the occasional spaceship, hacking skills are a must. Perhaps most inventors, pilots, and robots are not keen on your technological intelligence, but pay no mind to their pouts. They are merely jealous.

Conclusions: Making Your Own Path of Darkness

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The path to a successful evil reputation comes from not only your location, but also your adoring minions and your dim-witted volunteers. Looking for more information? Find one of our highly convenient locations on island 153.5 or the Island with No Name. If you need directions, feel free to consult one of minions by searching for the large gray rock behind the Pirate's Cove. If neither of these are possible, than try to forge your own path, rather than one we have laid out for you.

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