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Questioning the Crumpetmonger

by impellent


Welcome, everyone! Today I have a very special guest with me, someone who has never granted an interview with the Neopian Times before, the Crumpetmonger! She was a very hard Meerca to get a hold of, between the scone making and pie baking but when she heard about the wonderful job I did with boosting Bart and King Skarl's image, she just could not say no! As someone who has never given an interview with the Neopian Times before, very little is known about her, however, that is about to change! The following is a transcript of the interview that took place:

"Normally I like to start my interviews by having my subject go on the record about their name. Could you tell my readers what we should call you?" I ask, hoping for a good interview.

"Oh, me dear, you can call me the Crumpetmonger, or CM for short, since I'm such a clever Meerca," replies CM, laughing at her own joke. "Would you like a slice of my famous apple pie?"

"Sure! I would love some of your famous apple pie!" I say, grabbing the slide of pie she offers me, "Anyways, as I'm sure you are aware, I recently did an interview with Bart a couple of weeks back, the Gnorbu who runs the apple bobbing station. Since it's so close to your shop, a lot of Neopians want to know, how do you get along with Bart?"

"Oh, me dear, that Bart fello' is wonderful. I get all the apples I use in me secret recipes from him," says CM, happy as ever, as I start to realize why her apple pie tastes funny. I try not to gag.

"Oh," I reply, putting down the pie, pushing the plate far away from me, "that's very... interesting. What about all your other ingredients? I'm sure a Crumpetmonger like yourself only uses the most fresh ingredients right?"

"Of course, me dear, I only use the most fresh Esophagor leftovers! Sometimes the Bruce who runs the Spooky Food stand at the Deserted Fairground lets me use some of the Slime Sundaes and Jellied Eyeballs that don't sell after a couple of days," replies CM, as cheery as ever. Horrified at discovering the truth behind CM's baked goodies, I hardly know what to say.

"Wow CM... that all sounds so... good? Tell me, none of your food looks old or spooky, so how do you do it?" I manage to ask, having just lost my appetite.

"Oh, deary, it is all in my book, The Crumpetmongers Secret Recipes, although I 'spose they are not that secret if they are all written up in a book, eh?" replies CM, laughing at another joke she made. Realizing that I am getting nowhere by asking her about her food, I decide to branch out on my questions.

"Do you mind if I ask you a couple of fan questions?" I ask, hoping to change the topic.

"Sure!" replies CM, enthusiastically.

"One of my fans wants to know if you have any favorite games, and if so, why?" I ask, hoping for a response that does not make me want to toss my lunch.

"Ooh. I just love meself a game of Sophie's Stew with all those delicious ingredients. It really just makes my tail curl thinking about all the new recipes that I can try out for the..." she replies, but I interrupt her before she can finish, hoping to help her with her image since she does not seem to want to help herself.

"What about Gourmet Bowls? That could be a fun game right? I bet you love that game," I ask, hoping to salvage the interview.

"Oh, no, deary, that's not really my pot of tea, or slice of cake, or anything else for that matter. Their food is just dreadful," replies CM, totally unaware of how she is making her food sound.

"Alright, well, some of my others fans really want to know more about your accent. What part of Neopia are you from?" I ask, hoping for the best.

"Me dear, I am not really sure you mean. I'm from Neovia, of course, but I'm not the one with an accent; you are!" replies CM, looking a little confused.

"No. I'm pretty sure you are the one with an accent, CM. Try saying: my dear, get yourself some pastries while they're hot, before I eat them myself," I ask, hoping that CM will see what I'm talking about.

"Oh, deary, I was not going to say anything but I think you have a speech problem. I think you meant to say: me deary, get yerself some pastries while they're hot, 'fore I eat them meself," replies CM with a sad look on her face.

"No, actually, I didn't. But that's okay! I think we have time for one more really good question. Some of my fans want to know that if you ever decided to become a battledome challenger, what weapons would you use?" I ask, hoping for just one easy question.

"Oh, that's easy, deary! I would use neggs! Neggs like the ferocious negg and the cool negg. Mmm. And definitely the glamour negg too... Mmm..." replies CM, clearly in a negg-induced daze.

"CM, I hate to say it, but I don't really think any of those neggs are weapons!" I reply, not really sure what else to add on at this point.

"Oh, deary, I'm sure you're wrong. Those neggs are too delicious not to be. Oh, don't forget the happy negg too! I would definitely use some of that in the battledome too. Mmm..." she replies. At this point though, my time is up, so I get up and quietly excuse myself from the interview. As soon as I get out of there, I find the nearest bottle of water and start rinsing out my mouth from the rancid apple pie I had earlier.

And there you have it folks! That was an interview with the great Crumpetmonger herself! I hope that you all enjoyed getting to know more about this wonderful Meerca, although not while eating I hope! That's all for now!

As always, please send me fan suggestions on what to do next! Also, a shout-out to Clover for suggesting this subject!

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