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Do we Really Need Toothpaste?


by shoobydala

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Toothpaste, sunscreen, nail polish, mascara... all common household items. But when you really think about it, why do we use them? Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wondered why you need a hairbrush if you only have fur? I know I have. My name's Nooboo Nooboo, and today I'm addressing the utmost in-depth questions one could have about their appearance. Hopefully you'll find something interesting and rethink that next manicure.

First of all, it is rather unclear what our "skin" is like, as neopets. Some species are easy; Lupes and Xweetoks have fur, Pteris have feathers, etc. But I, myself, am a Blumaroo. Do I have skin, like the kind seen on our owners? Do I have a fine layer of hair covering my body? Or is it fur? From a picture, you can't tell. Techos, Quiggles, and other reptilian or amphibious types of neopets have a smooth, somewhat slimy or leathery, type feel to them. Cleary, they have no hair. Ixis and Kaus have a sort of hair/fur present over the majority of their bodies, much like Gnorbus. But that leaves species like Zafara still unexplained. I would assume they are covered in fur, but that doesn't explain the feather at the end of its tail. Kacheeks must have very fine, short fur, and Koi are clearly aquatic. Tuskanninnies have a tiny tuft of hair on the tops of their heads, and JubJubs are entirely coated in fur. We all must have skin down there, but if we have so much fur then why exactly do we need things like Honey Lotion? I mean, it smells good and all but it kind of sticks to the fur a little....

And, while on the subject of hair, another question arises. If we are coated in fur/hair already, what is the purpose of wigs? I mean, you can make a rather strong argument for fashion purposes, but wouldn't you think you could just grow out the hair covering your body in different way and then style it? Peophins have such lovely manes; why would they need wigs? Merely scissors, gel, and hair dye and they should be all set. And if our hair can't grow out long enough, then why on Neopia do we need hairbrushes? For the wigs? You see why the entire concept seems ridiculous. Only pets like Chomby and Hissi should need wigs, what with their scaly skins and all, but unless their wigs are prone to tangling I say we leave hairbrushes to the faeries. Jhudora could definitely use a little extra combing anyways...*cough*

Either way, forgetting that, we come to a matter of dentistry. I counted about 25 types of toothpaste on the market, and 34 different kinds of toothbrushes. Do we even have teeth? The only species with visible teeth are Grarrl, Jetsam, Korbat, Meerca, and Skeith. Sure, Moehogs might need to brush their tusks, and maybe we just can't see the teeth on some species, but that still doesn't explain why they make a quiggle toothbrush for a species that clearly has no teeth. Just saying. There is nothing against toothless species, or species with full sets of chompers, but why so many tooth products? And sure, there is a tooth faerie, so naturally we all have to have some teeth. Although Bruces and Pteris have beaks, so consequently no teeth, which is especially odd since Bruces are the only ones with a neopoint-available tooth faerie costume. I guess if they wanted to pop in some Grarrl New Year Dentures...

Not to mention clearly none of us have lips and there are over 20 kinds of lipstick. I guess if you wanted to buy one of the five types of fake lips available and put lipstick on them be my guest. But seriously? Who is going to smear pigment, oil, and wax from a stick in various colors on a part of your face that doesn't even exist? Personally, that is not my cup of tea. But I am also male, and maybe it's just a girl thing. You won't find any Spearmint Lip Balm in my pocket any time soon, however.

Speaking of the difference between male and female neopets, we should dwell on the topic of eyelashes. From what I've heard, traditional eyelashes are made of cilia, a very thin type of hair. This implies that even pets like Kikos, with no visible hair whatsoever, will have hair growing on them. Male neopets do not appear to have these eyelashes, however. While even if I did have eyelashes, you wouldn't catch me dead with mascara, I do find it a little unfair that girls have eyelashes and guys don't. After all, now I can't say, "Nimmos don't have hair" because technically, the female Nimmos do in the form of eyelashes. It just makes statistics difficult, that's all.

Another beauty product I don't understand is nail polish. Sixteen kinds of polish or varnish, 7 kinds of nail clippers, and nail polish remover...WE DON'T HAVE FINGERNAILS. The closest we get are the hooves on Unis, Peophins, and such, but they make hoof polish for that. Really, though, look down at your hands. Do you see fingernails growing there? I didn't think so. So stop wasting neopoints to polish something that doesn't exist. Unless you just want to paint your fingers, which in that case, have at it. I've heard blue nail varnish looks like Rainbow Fountain water in the right light.

Another thing I'd like to address is sunscreen. Let's just pretend we don't all have fur covering every inch of our bodies and don't want our "skin" to burn. 30 proof Kacheek Sun Screen, After Sun Aloe Gel, Factor 15 (or 25, 30 or 50) Sun Tan Lotion, Sun Block Lotion, Sunscreen Facepaint, Sun Burn...all of these items would imply that we can in fact get sunburned and should in fact wear sunscreen. But that's only if we have skin. Lupes wouldn't need sunscreen then, or Kaus or Wockys or any of them. And I highly doubt a Koi could get sunburned. Why then, do they make so many sun products? Sunglasses can be used for fashion purposes, and I admit, they look awesome. I'm not a fan of sun hats or parasols but that's just me. But I would not voluntarily wear sunscreen. It smells awful and gets everywhere. They advertise the Factor 30 sun tan lotion as smelling like krakuberries...has anyone ever seen a krakuberry? What is it? I'd be thrilled to know. Because, personally, even if I wasn't covered in fur, I wouldn't want to throw some unknown lotion-like substance smelling of a berry I'd never heard of (that could potentially be poisonous) onto my body carelessly. Lotion itself is just pointless unless you're a reptilian species. After all, like the description of the waterproof Acara lotion says, "Not sure why you would need to stay moisturized when wet, but this lotion does just that!"

Regardless, next time you look in the mirror I hope you think a little differently about how you look. Appreciate your appearance the way it is, and don't waste money on things you don't need. Except bubble bath. Everybody needs bubble bath. If you have any questions, my owner would feel free to redirect any neomails to my personal research inbox. Just don't complain about the whole nail polish thing... we don't have fingernails and so your argument is therefore invalid. Even usuki lovers.

Sincerely,

Nooboo Nooboo

 
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