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The Valentine's Day Article

by futurevetpet


Hearts hang from the rafters of the main Neopian Times office. Sitting in a cubicle, a young dark faerie glares at her papers. Suddenly, the Meepit juice break song begins to play over the intercom, having nothing to do with the Meepit's nonexistent plan of taking over Neopia. She is hit by inspiration, and begins to write.

Today, the Neopian Times paper is decorated in hearts, love letters, and roses. Any self-respecting dark faerie would be hidden away in a deep dark hole, but here I am, writing an article. SO, if I must be here, I will NOT write about Valentine's Day. Instead, I will tell you about all the other Special Neopian Times Issues, and why they are amazingly superior to Valentine's Day.

Day of Giving

Ah, the Day of Giving! This was the first issue I was ever published in, thus giving it a bump over Valentine's Day right off the bat. Of course, that wouldn't be enough, also seeing as it would influence no one besides me. What's great about this issue it that everyone is told how special they are, and receives presents, rather than just your special someone.

Neopet's Birthday

Break out your Giant Slice of Neopets Birthday Cake and your Package of Birthday Candles, cause it's time for a party! This issue sports a lovely party border, and articles all about Neopia! This year Neopia will move up to its teen years, and we'll all celebrate our 'lurve' of it with the wonderful free gift bags for everybody! Did you hear that? F-R-E-E.


Mwahahaha! Let cheers ring out as the villains of Neopia are given a metaphorical hall pass for the day! Bright black and orange decorate the paper as anything from how to decorate your neohome to how to make your owner cool enough to go trick-or-treating with you cover the pages. Of course, it doesn't hurt that some of the best comics of the year come out in this issue!

Chocolate Ball

Mmmm, the tastiest issue of the year! There are articles about chocolate, comics about chocolate, stories about chocolate, sometimes even series about chocolate! There are ways to get an invite to the 'chocolate ball', ways to care for your chocolate pet, and ways for you to make chocolate! There are even- you know what, this issue has a lot of chocolate, okay? Therefore, it is awesome.

Mutant Day

This issue is always wonderful because it takes an often ignored pet colour and brings it to the forefront. It gives all the often ignored mutant pets, including my own Kougra, a chance to shine. This day also teaches you to 'lurve' what's on the inside, rather than to judge the pets on their looks. A day that teaches a lesson is always better than Valentine's Day.

Petpet Appreciation Day

Petpet Appreciation Day is a day where we take a moment to celebrate the littler, but not quite littlest, members of Neopia (yes, even the annoying Darblat). This day is also especially important in celebrating the importance of the Neopian Times' own White Weewoos. And of course, anything where a Weewoo is celebrated is automatically awesome.

The 00th/50th Edition

Based on the aforementioned Weewoos-are-awesome theory, this special issue that comes once a year is already ahead on the list. What pushes this golden issue way ahead though is the avatar it gives. This special avatar is a must have for any Times writer, and this issue is the key to that dream.

Fyora's Day

My, have you ever seen anything as amazingly cultured and sophisticated as Fyora's Day? You haven't? Then clearly, this proves its superiority. How many days of the year can you craft a crude faerie doll, send it to Fyora, and have her send you a thank you note? All of them you say? Well, then. Simply return to point one to show how amazing Fyora's day truly is.

Grey Day

Isn't it sad when even Grey Day is better than your issue? Grey Day is made special by its unique colour scheme, as well as the fact that it has its own faerie dedicated to it. Plus, nothing to make you feel better by comparison than to see how sad other people are!

The Negg Festival

The Negg Festival! Bright colors abound in this special issue, though you'll rarely see a Negg article here. This issue is famous for its humbleness, not even staking a date on the calendar to announce people of its existence. That, and it also has its own faerie to celebrate the day.

Illusen Day

Pah. When even Illusen Day passes you up, you know you've got some work to do. Even though I loathe Illusen with all my being, I can at least admit that her day helps Jhudora relax by giving her a day off. That, and... actually, I can't say anything more about Illusen due to the fact that Jhudora doesn't take to kindly to her minions talking about her.

Sloth Appreciation Day

Though putting this here makes it slightly out of order, I felt that I must save the best for last. Sloth Appreciation Day is amazing because hello, it's Dr. Sloth! This man's only goal is to unite Neopia into a single nation, to end the bitter rivalries and join together all Neopian kind. Don't you think world peace is a little more important than 'love'?


This is clearly the best issue of the year. An entire issue dedicated to the woman who enslaved -*cough*- I mean, who I volunteered to serve! This issue not only shows up Valentine's Day by simply having a far more powerful figure and proving that purple and green CAN go together, it's also the second holiday of the year, and before Valentine's Day. So there.

As you see, Valentine's Day is clearly the worst holiday Issue of the Neopian Times, and should clearly be abolished quickly and loudly. In fact, I could be the one who abolished the holiday myself. It's not l have anything else to do. This is Rogue, 'The Holiday Author', signing off.

The dark faerie confidently signs her document and hands it off. As her editor begins to read the articles, he chuckles quietly to himself. She gives him a questioning look as he begins to laugh hysterically, and then scribbles something at the top of the paper.

'To Be Published in the Valentine's Day Issue'

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