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Readers Beware!

by kspare2


Initially, the thought of educating Neopets through the use of books seems like a fantastic idea. After all, every Neopet's goal is to become an Ultimate Genius, and the best way to accomplish this goal is through the use of books. Besides, who wouldn't want to entertain their Neopets with such classics as Kau Pies, Wonderful World of Gardening, and The Magic Paw? Before you head down to Neopia Central, however, it may be wise to re-think some of the book choices you plan on making, as not all books are created equal. Here are just some of the books that the Neopian Bureau of Books recommends that you think twice about before bringing home to your Neopet:

Vengeful Scroll: This scroll is so vengeful, its own description suggests that you may not even want to give this book to your enemy! This alone should tell you that you should not read the book to your treasured pet. We cannot describe what torment your pet will go through once it has read this scroll, as no Neopets have been able to reiterate the horrors they have faced upon reading this story, but we do know that it is so traumatizing that your pet may never look the same way again...

Diary of an Ice Cruncher: Buying this book for your Neopet is a terrible idea, as half of the book is missing! It will be very hard for your Neopet to follow along when full paragraphs are missing, as it could make following the story practically impossible.

Not-So-Disgusting Dung Uses: We fully encourage creativity and arts and crafts, but encouraging your Neopet to make chairs and tables out of dung may not be the best idea. Let's not even talk about the rancid dung coffee or the dung mote lollypops...

Cheat in Style: All Neopets should grow up following the rules and playing fairly. Reading a cheating manual to your pet may negatively affect your relationship with your Neopet when you begin to notice that he or she has suddenly become an expert at "sensing your thoughts" when you play Guess the Card.

Playing with Fire: No responsible owner would want their Neopets to play with fire, right? Although if you still plan on reading this book to your pet, we suggest you invest in a Fire Extinguisher of Diversion beforehand.

Starting Spells: One minute you are a Neopian owner, the next minute you are a Mortog.

The Art of Avoiding Mines: Avoiding mines? Hah! The writer of this book was a bit distracted when he wrote this, and you may find that some routes designed to help your Neopet avoid mines will actually lead them straight into the mines! Can you say "asplode"?

Hilarious Chia Jokes: Now this is a seemingly innocent book. A book about Chia jokes sounds great, right? If you just take the time to read the description, however, you will see that the jokes produce so much laughter that your Neopet's tummy will start to hurt! Unfortunately, the jokes are so hilarious that your Neopet will be unable to put the book down.

Dirt is your Friend: Dirt may be your Neopet's friend, but it certainly isn't yours! Not even an exfoliating sand soap will help you in scrubbing the dirt out of your Neopet's hair. Hopefully you like the color brown.

All About Juggling: This book sounds like fun until your Neopet begins practicing his or her own juggling skills. We hope you aren't too fond of your blue glazed vase, glass coffee table, fancy wooden mirror, or glistening Sloth statue... *crash* Oh... Or your faerie portrait.

Managing Irrational Fears: This book initially comes off as a self-help book, but it is far from that. Instead of teaching your Neopet how to manage their irrational fears, this book throws them into a fantasy world where they are confronted by all of their fears. We hope you were only kidding about your fear of spyders...

Speak Tyrannian: Much like the Dirt is Your Friend book, your Neopet will absolutely adore this. At first glance, you may think it a fantastic idea to introduce your pet to a forgotten and ancient language, but taking one quick glance into the future will show you just how terrible of an idea this actually is, unless you would like your Neopets' coherent words to be replaced by "Ugga Uggh Ugga!"

The Newest Book:This book is actually a pretty good read, but we have found that the title can lead to frustration and communication problems between owners and their Neopets. When your Neopet happily hops in and you tell them you have bought them The Newest Book, they will excitedly ask what book you got, to which you will reply "The Newest Book!" over and over again. Eventually your pet may begin to think that you are just tricking trying to trick him or her and go play Pyramids instead.

Finding the Best Ugly Sweater: Unless you are personally fond of the Ugly Christmas Sweater, we recommend that you hide this book from your Neopet at all costs. Instead, we suggest reading Nimmo Gift Ideas or How to Give Gifts. Or you could just casually mention how much you love that Spring Cardigan Sweater the next time you and your pet are browsing through the NeoCash Mall – feel free to add a "*hint hint nudge nudge wink wink*" to that to make sure your Neopet catches on to the message you are trying to convey.

Book of Splinters: This book isn't even a book, really. It is just a collection of splinters that will hurt your little Neopet's fingers. Ouch!

How to be Roothless: Now certainly this is a terrible book for any Neopet to read, as learning to be roothless should not be a goal! Instead, read your pet Love and Caring, so they can learn some useful and favorable skills.

And lastly... The Hungry Grarrl: This is a tale of a hungry Grarrl who was so hungry that he could not stop eating. *burp* Uh oh... Where did your Neopet go?

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