Now with 50% more useless text Circulation: 187,887,734 Issue: 508 | 19th day of Hiding, Y13
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It's Not All It's Cracked Up to Be...

by timmyythegreat405


Yeah, you get to sit there, calmly in your chair. Not worrying whether or not you'll make it another Neopian minute. But as for me, I have to deal with all the pressures of Neopia! I am *literally* walking on egg shells! I can't even go outside of my room, let alone my neohome! I live every day in fear, hoping that I can survive long enough to get painted or morphed into something! Goodness, I'd rather be morphed into a mutant Gnorbu than spend my days waiting for my owner to drop me or crack me wide open.

You see, being a baby Pteri is risky business; more risky than zapping your dream pet! For example, one day my owner decided to take me restocking with her. BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY SMALL, UN-LIVED TO THE FULLEST, LIFE. Not only did I almost get dropped, my owner shoved me, as well as other items, hastily into her purse! What does she think I am?! A rock? No, I am precious cargo; a humpty-dumpty figure of Neopia, if you will. I could have easily been broken. I could have been squashed! I could have disappeared off the face of Neopia FOREVER! Yet my owner claims I am just being dramatic.

"Tazsem, Neopets cannot disappear!" she says in her 'you're being a drama king' voice.

Oh yeah?!! Then explain to me what happened to the poor little pet down the street that was turned invisible! I call that disappearing!!!

What about putting me into that horrible place where pets battle each other! Alexandra would never dare to put me into the Battledome, a place where I would be easily cracked and scrambled over some greasy neopet's small brain; probably overheating from all of the thinking it has to do. I've seen some of those brutes that fight in there, and let me tell you! They are careless with fragile little Neopians.

How about going outside of my neohome to play in the garden! Just last week I had a close call when it was breezy and a Sitting Bruce Gnome just about fell on top of me!

"Listen, you're just being overdramatic. I saw the WHOLE thing. That gnome wasn't even close to falling on you, let alone squashing you!"

Sometimes, I think my owner wants me to get squashed.

Oh, and those daily visits to the Auction House or the Trading Post? Those are practically butcher shops! My owner can hardly squeeze through the door without a user bumping into her, let alone elbowing her for the best deal! And I have to sit there, coddled in her arms as I am practically being mauled by some eccentric Neopian who keeps out-bidding my owner. I tell you, Neopia isn't safe anymore.

"How about we go to the store and pick out some new clothes..." Alexandra will say to start off the day.

Does she not realize I can't wear clothing?! I get to sit for hours while my brother Graphs picks out one muscle tee and Lyndriya sings and hums to the same old tune. If you haven't noticed, I don't have any arms and it's quite hard to drown out the tone-deaf pitches when you can't easily plug your ears.

"You are just being bitter," Lyndriya says in a sing-song voice; nothing short of obnoxious.

Once, my siblings drew a face on me while I was sleeping! I woke up and rolled over to find black traces on the outside of my egg shell! Alexandra just laughed as she carelessly scrubbed my off-white shell clean. Then she proposed that I do it back... yeah, another "no arms" problem.

Oh and the other day, Alexandra took me fishing because she thought it would relax my nerves. Not only was I soaking wet by the end of it, but some Neopian picked me up and started tossing me like I was a water balloon! They must have thought I was a good skipping rock because next thing I know, my owner is wrestling a titanic squid and I am being tossed about by whirling tentacles!

To soothe my nerves from that, she took me to a Chomby and the Fungus Balls concert. Wrong-o! The music was so loud I was practically hard-boiled by the end of it, and the hat we got at the concession stands is too big for my shell. Some day, that Chomby is going to wake up to find a very agitated egg sitting on his lap prepared to do the worst.

Traveling is always a hassle. I am too small to fit onto any seat, and Alexandra is so cheap she hides me in her purse whenever we go anywhere so she won't have to buy an extra ticket. I get to sit amidst gum wrappers, scraps of paper, and her journal. The worst part of it is that it's so dark in there that I can't even read her journal for future blackmail! If only I could open up a few pages and get some juicy information, I could make her paint me a different color!!!

Maybe one day Alexandra will put me in the pound where I will be poked, prodded, dropped, squashed, scrambled, and snatched up by a new owner who has no clue how to take care of my sensitive shell.

For now, I am stuck being a baby Pteri, living a life of awaiting doom until Alexandra grows a heart and realizes what mortal danger I am in; I am practically dead meat as I sit here before you. After this article becomes famous, I'll be rushed by crowds of Neopia, all asking for my signature, which means that until I grow an arm or something, there will be no signatures to give. One day, I will be sitting there, looking out of my eggshell, and some careless user will feed me to his hungry Skeith.

Until then, I will have to sit and wait from inside the fridge; a nice hiding spot I have found... that is, until Alexandra wants breakfast.

Thanks for reading about my new family member Tazsem!

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