Stand behind yer sheriff Circulation: 185,639,542 Issue: 498 | 10th day of Relaxing, Y13
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

How to Have the Greatest Adventure Ever

by kristykimmy


Hi there, I’m Kristykimmy and I am an adventure EXPERT*. I’m here to tell you how to have super fantabulous, awesome, bestest, amazing adventures. If you follow these eleven easy steps, soon you too can set off on super awesome adventures.

Step 1: Get Super Excited!

When you are presented with an adventure of your own, the first thing to do is get excited. Run in circles, scream at the top of your lungs, break things as you bounce about your living room. All of this is necessary to starting off on your adventure right. If you don’t make people shy away in horror, you are not excited enough. Your excitement level ought to be at what it would be if you won a giveaway that gave you a hundred of every paintbrush or Queen Fyora told you that you were to be the next queen of Faerieland.

Step 2: Ask for Details about your Adventure.

Once you have gotten to the proper excitement level, you should gather all the details you can about this adventure you are setting out on. Are you rescuing a princess from an evil dragon or are you saving a city from being ruled over by a dark faerie? Getting distracted by minor details and daydreaming so you miss half of your information is recommended but not required.

Step 3: Call your Insurance Agent.

This one is very important. Call your insurance agent to make sure that your health and life insurance are all paid up. If they aren’t, well, it is your call if you want to continue on with your adventure.

Step 4: Pack your Bags!

Time to pack for your adventure! Snacks and drinks are obviously something you want. A first aid kit isn’t a bad idea. Rope, a compass, and a map wouldn’t go amiss either. Maybe some camping gear, too. Okay, the boring stuff is covered. Now pack everything including the kitchen skink. Rubber Ducks, whoopee cushions, bottles of sand, pictures of your favorite heroes, and maybe that T-shirt you fished out of the Meridell Rubbish Dump. If you don’t have enough room for everything, get rid of the rope, compass, and map. You probably won’t ever use that junk anyway.

Step 5: The First Step!

No, we are not returning to step 1. Wise Gnorbu once said, “The journey of a thousand meters begins with jumping off that cliff behind your house. Wise man packs parachute before he jumps.” I’m not sure what he was getting at, but it sounded super intelligent! So, take that first step out your door and on your adventure. Make sure to forget to turn off the tap before you leave. A true adventurer returns to as much adventure as he or she left for.

Step 6: Friends or Foes?

You are going to meet companions on your adventure sooner or later. However, the question is are they true friends who will see you through anything or are they villains in disguise waiting to trip you up and destroy your adventure?

Warning Signs:

Avoid people who wear glasses that they don’t actually need, or who have fancy titles like Captain, Commander, Doctor, and The. You should probably avoid people with funny little mustaches and goatees. People who are prettier and smarter than you should also be avoided. After all, do you really want to look like a fool next to super smarty-pants the third? Who cares if they might be helpful; they will make you look like a ditz. You should also avoid childhood friends who have always truly hated you and your guts. Minstrels are a no-no. They sing annoying songs and they blow your cover when you are being sneaky by singing about your great deeds. Mimes, oh for the love of Fyora, if you encounter a mime on your adventure turn and flee. Do not engage the mime, do not look at the mime, do not think about the mime, JUST RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!


Childhood friends are totally keepers, unless they are of the aforementioned type. Childhood friends have an unwavering loyalty to you from years of friendship to you. Thieves with a heart of gold: this particular type of thieves are awesome allies against whatever you face on your adventure. Just make sure they walk closest to the edge of the cliff. The whiney guy: you must take the whiney guy along with you. Despite his endless complaining and whining, he never actually abandons you and sometimes even proves to be a boon. Besides, he also makes you look more awesome in comparison. Brute: totally get this guy. He doesn’t do much thinking; you just point and he does. Breaking down doors and knocking out guards is easy with a brute on your side.

WARNING: Any companions you bring with you are entitled to a share of any treasure you find on your adventure.


One of the things you might encounter on the adventure is a hero. Now stay calm for all of about .002 milliseconds. Then freak out. Drool, pass out, scream loudly, use whatever method you prefer. Then pester them for their autograph and loudly tell them how big a fan you are while clinging to their arm. Do not get distracted by their wiles; Lord Kass is never over to your left. They will probably escape from you eventually, but until then, try to convince them to join your adventure.

Step 8: Rousing Speeches.

Part of your duties as leader is to give rousing speeches to your companions before any major event in the adventure. Inform them that you are grateful for their support and they are probably about to get eaten by something and they really could leave now, but you’ll get their share of the treasure if they do. Everyone should be feeling absolutely despondent by the time you are done or you have not accomplished your goal. Now ask them for a rallying cheer before heading off into the moment of EPICNESS!

Step 9: Oh noes, there are BAD GUYS out there!!!!

What adventure would be complete without a villain somewhere in the mix? Not one. Now, when you face said bad guy, you must fight him. If the odds are in your favor and you happen to be a level six thousand martial artist of the Shenkuu ninja order, well, just jump in. If not, you need a *PLAN OF ATTACK*! This plan should mostly consist of your partners battling while you hide in a corner and cheer them on.

Once the battle is over, you must stand over your fallen adversary and deliver your ‘WINNER’S SPEECH’. You must come up with one all on your own and it should have nothing to do with the situation and probably somehow involve the Puppyblew you had when you were six and the time when you shut a door on your hand.

Step 10: The End of the Adventure.

After you have completed your adventure, you must collect whatever reward is at the end. If you were helping a people against an evil foe or something of that nature, you will likely not be rewarded really well. In fact, your assistance in this epic event is usually considered to be enough. But that is okay, because you will get instant celebrity status and everyone will vote for you in the Beauty Contest, plus you will have millions of adoring fans. If it was an adventure for treasure, you must now share it with your companions.

Step 11: Saying Goodbye.

Now the adventure is over and you must part from your companions. This is the moment for another epic speech about how much you appreciate them and how you will never forget them as long as you live. With a tear in your eye, mount your steed (or get to whatever mode of transportation you are using) and ride off into the sunset.

Now you know how to have the GREATEST ADVENTURE EVER! Get out there and have one! Neopia is yours**. Go, young grasshopper, and remember what wise Techo once told me, ‘Against overwhelming odds, you will lose!’

*Not a qualified expert. Kristykimmy is not liable for any damages to persons, places, or things associated with following the advice contained herein.

**Neopia does not actually belong to you. It is the property of The Neopets Team.

Search the Neopian Times

Great stories!


The Making of a Star: Bertie Shurtz
"You know, Bertie," said Cici, "if you're going to be an explorer, you're going to find all kinds of scary monsters, like Spyders."

by alex313


Retired Petpets
Really retired.

by virusus


Mr. Slug's Quest (pt. 5)
How could he possibly be a bad guy? He has a moustache!

by supercheezee


Peaches #3: Necessities
How... scientific.

by jenniferji

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.