There are ants in my Lucky Green Boots Circulation: 185,375,380 Issue: 494 | 13th day of Hunting, Y13
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The Yellow Paper Airplane Show: Episode II

by amicaverbi


[Setting: a small room, a studio of some sort. Opposite the camera, by the wall, is a long table where a Blue Aisha and his owner sit. The nameplate in front of the Aisha says KALIIOX; the one in front of his owner says BOREALIS. At the side of the room are five desks, also with nameplates. The nameplate in front of the Red Xweetok says CHLANGA; the one in front of the Blue Usul says JASMINE; the one in front of the Christmas Uni says RAINY; and the one in front of the Orange Kiko says KAVI. The last desk is empty; its nameplate says KALIIOX.]

CHLANGA [to Jasmine]: I thought you said you wouldn't be caught dead on this show.

JASMINE [shrugging]: That was before Borealis offered to let me go shopping for a new outfit if I came.

BOREALIS: Actually, Jasmine, I said you could go shopping if you won.

JASMINE: What! I know that you're going to be biased on this one just so that I can't go shopping--I'm leaving!

BOREALIS [hurriedly]: But if you attend I'll get you a new Usuki. [muttering] If I can find one you don't already have that I can afford...

JASMINE: Fine, I'll stay. Can we just get this over with already?

BOREALIS: All right... hello everyone and welcome to the Yellow Paper Airplane Show! I'm Borealis, the host and producer, and this is Kaliiox, our fact-checker. Contestants, please introduce yourselves!

CHLANGA: I'm Chlanga.

JASMINE: Jasmine, future star of Neopia--why do we have to introduce ourselves if we have name tags?

BOREALIS: Be quiet, Jasmine.

RAINY [fiddling with some kind of handheld computer]: I'm Rainy. How long is this going to go, Borealis?

BOREALIS: ... until we're done?

KAVI: Hi! I'm Kavi! I'm the Kiko from Tubular Kiko Racing, and I must say that this makes a pleasant change from being shot at.

BOREALIS [to Kavi]: I've always wondered... how do you get around? You don't have feet. Do you walk on your hands or something?

KAVI: Kikos float! See?

[Kavi floats.]

BOREALIS: Oh, cool! Can you teach me how to do that?

JASMINE [muttering]: Oh, great, here we go again.

KAVI: Uh... I don't think so. I think you have to be a Kiko.

BOREALIS: Oh, okay. Kaliiox, how much does a Kiko Morphing Potion cost?

KALIIOX: Current lowest Trading Post price for a Kiko Morphing Potion of any color is 400k.

BOREALIS: Hmm... I have about 300k in the bank...

CHLANGA: Borealis! Morphing potions only work on pets!

BOREALIS: Are you sure? Have owners ever tried them?

CHLANGA: Yes, you tried to drink that Orange Koi Morphing Potion from the Wheel of Excitement because you wanted to go swimming in Maraqua, remember?

BOREALIS: Oh, yeah. Never mind. Uh... where's our fifth contestant?

[Everyone looks at the last desk.]

CHLANGA: Borealis... Kaliiox can't be the fifth contestant. He's an administrator.



JASMINE [muttering]: Besides, it'd be totally unfair. He's an ultimate genius. He knows everything.

BOREALIS: Well then. We need a new contestant. ... any suggestions?

JASMINE [looking pointedly at Kavi]: You could always pull another random obscure game character out of thin air.

KAVI: Hey! I'm not obscure!

JASMINE: Nobody knows who you are. Seriously. It was a question on the last show. And guess what--your game stinks.

BOREALIS: Hey, that's a good idea! I'll get one now!

[Borealis pulls out a large silver remote. She presses several buttons and a swarm of Vernax appear in the middle of the floor.]

JASMINE [jumping up on her desk]: Eww!

BOREALIS: Ah ha, my bad. Sorry, this remote isn't labeled in English, so, uh, I have no idea what the buttons do.

RAINY: I'll take those.

[Rainy presses a button on her handheld computer. An Orange Grundo walks into the room, picks up the Vernax, and exits.]

BOREALIS: Right, so I'll try again.

JASMINE [returning to her chair]: Why don't you just send a Neomail?

BOREALIS: Takes too long.

[Borealis presses another button and a Red Scorchio appears in the middle of the floor, holding an Altachuck.]


JASMINE: Who's he?

BOREALIS: That is Samuel from Petpet Rescue!

RAINY: Is that my petpet?

[The Altachuck, confronted with something that starts with D--the desks--squeals and flees.]

SAMUEL: I rescued him from a horrible lab--

[Rainy pulls out a ray gun and fires it at Samuel. When the flash and zapping noise are gone, there is a very confused-looking Slorg in the middle of the room.]

BOREALIS: Oh, now how am I going to get that avatar?

[Rainy snaps her fingers and an Orange Grundo runs in, collects the Slorg and Altachuck, and exits.]

RAINY: I'm going to have to find out how he found my lab.

BOREALIS: Well, uh, now we still need another contestant. This time I'm just going to hit the randomize button.

[Borealis presses a button. A dark-blue Wocky with a glowing axe appears in the middle of the room.]

BOREALIS: Oh, it's Magax!

MAGAX: I'm sorry, but my name is MAGAX.

BOREALIS: That's what I said. Magax.

MAGAX: No, it's MAGAX.

[Borealis and Magax--er, MAGAX--stare at each other.]

BOREALIS: You know, your game is really boring.

MAGAX: It is not!

BOREALIS: Is too! It's worse than Kavi's.

KAVI: Hey! My game is fun!

JASMINE: It is not.

BOREALIS: And your Neopedia article says Magax.

MAGAX: That was before the new game. Where am I, anyway?

BOREALIS: You're on the Yellow Paper Airplane Show! It's a trivia game show!

MAGAX: ...great.

RAINY: Could you start asking questions already, Borealis? I have work to do.

BOREALIS: Fine! First question. What is the gravity on Kreludor, compared to Neopia's gravity?


BOREALIS: Incorrect! You lose a point.

RAINY: Thirty-three percent.

BOREALIS: Correct! One point for Rainy. So, MAGAX, why did you change your name to all caps?

MAGAX: that my question?


MAGAX: It was a branding thing. Getting me more name recognition. Standing out more.

BOREALIS: Hmm, just seems simultaneously silly and arrogant to me. Like, "Oh, look at me, I'm so important that I deserve five capital letters instead of one!"

JASMINE: The whole "more name recognition" thing hasn't worked, either.

BOREALIS: So you lose a point, MAGAX.

MAGAX: What? But I answered the question correctly!

BOREALIS: No, you said it was about branding and name recognition. The correct answer is "Because I'm simultaneously silly and arrogant."

MAGAX: But I'm not--

BOREALIS: Hush, we're going on to the next question. But before we do... what's the score, Kaliiox?

KALIIOX: Rainy is in first with one point. Chlanga and Kavi are tied for second with zero points each. MAGAX and Jasmine are tied for fourth with negative one point each.

BOREALIS: Okay! Next question. What prize did I receive for getting a Neopian Times submission into the Petpet Appreciation Day issue?

JASMINE: There's a Petpet Appreciation Day?

CHLANGA: You got an Island Petpet Paint Brush, Borealis.

BOREALIS: Correct! One point for Chlanga.

MAGAX: How am I supposed to know that?

BOREALIS: I don't know. Can I have your glowing axe?

MAGAX [startled]: What?

BOREALIS: It's cool.

MAGAX: You can't have my Darklight axe! How would I defeat my enemies without it?

BOREALIS [nodding]: Uh-huh. And how's that going for you?

MAGAX: What?

BOREALIS: You say that a lot, don't you? But Hubrid Nox is dead--I think--and you didn't defeat him in the first place. So who's your enemy now? And are you actually going to defeat him this time? You don't seem to be very good at it.

MAGAX: Uh...

KAVI [to Borealis; changing the subject]: You know, MAGAX has a point. There's no way for us to know what prize you got.

BOREALIS: Chlanga knew.

CHLANGA: Borealis, that's because I'm your pet. I saw the Neomail.

BOREALIS: Wasn't it awesome? I'm so happy. Not that I really plan to paint a Petpet... well, I haven't looked at the Petpet Puddle yet...

RAINY: Borealis. Next question.

BOREALIS: What happened to please?

[Rainy looks at Borealis.]

BOREALIS: Fine. Next question. How many wins does it take to win a silver trophy in Sakhmet Solitaire?


BOREALIS: Correct; you get one point! Kaliiox, what are the standings now?

KALIIOX: Chlanga is in first with two points. Rainy is in second with one point. Kavi is in third with zero points, and MAGAX and Jasmine are in last with negative one point each.

MAGAX: You know, this is pretty unfair. You keep asking questions that your pets know but no one else would.

BOREALIS: Fine, you want an easy question? In your game--MAGAX: Destroyer II--which is worth more points, a Cybunny or a Scorchio?

MAGAX: A Cybunny.

BOREALIS: Incorrect.

MAGAX: But the Cybunny is worth twenty points and the Scorchio is only ten!

BOREALIS: Yes, but I was asking for points per shot, and the Cybunny takes four shots to kill while the Scorchios only take one, so the Cybunnies are worth five points per shot while the Scorchios are worth ten.

MAGAX: You didn't say points per shot!


MAGAX: No, you didn't!

CHLANGA: You really didn't, Borealis.

BOREALIS: Fine, MAGAX, take a point.

JASMINE: She's plotting something, I can tell.

BOREALIS: Who? Me or Rainy? 'Cause Rainy's always plotting something...

JASMINE: You, idiot.

BOREALIS: Hush, Jasmine.

JASMINE: I will not!

BOREALIS: What are you going to do, throw a shoe at me?

[Jasmine removes one of her shoes and throws it at Borealis.]

BOREALIS: Ow! Jasmine, you lose a point for assaulting an administrator!

[Jasmine throws her other shoe at Borealis.]

BOREALIS: Two points! And now you don't have anything else to throw at me!

[Borealis sticks out her tongue at Jasmine. Jasmine pulls an Usukicon Attendee Badge from around her neck and throws it at Borealis, forcing Borealis to duck.]

BOREALIS: Missed me!

JASMINE: This is so not worth a new Usuki!

[Jasmine gets up and tries to leave the room. Borealis presses a button on her remote and a steel gate crashes down over the room's door. Jasmine yells incoherently and returns to her desk.]

BOREALIS: Hey, it worked! [mutters] I half expected that one to produce an army of Meepits.

KAVI [worriedly]: Do you have an army of Meepits?

RAINY: She doesn't. I do.

BOREALIS: I'd much prefer an army of Duocorns. They're cuter and don't bite as much.

MAGAX: Meepits bite?

BOREALIS: Haven't you read that book of Meepit carols? "La la la la la bites your face"? Wait, here, I'll show you.

[Borealis presses a button on her remote and a white Meepit appears in the middle of the room.]

BOREALIS [muttering]: Hey, it worked again! I must be getting the hang of this. [in a normal voice] GM! Bite MAGAX!

[The Meepit, GM, looks at Borealis, then looks at Rainy and chatters something in Meepit-ish.]

RAINY: Humor her.

[GM bites MAGAX.]


JASMINE: You didn't see that one coming?

BOREALIS: See, Meepits bite. Okay, thanks, GM; you can go now.

[Borealis presses a button on her remote to get rid of GM, but instead a gag appears over MAGAX's mouth.]

BOREALIS: Okay, maybe I don't have the hang of it. [changing subject] Hey, Kaliiox, what's the score now?

KALIIOX: Chlanga remains in first with two points. Rainy is in second with one point. Kavi and MAGAX are tied for third with zero points, and Jasmine is in last with negative three points.

[MAGAX makes muffled noises through the gag. These noises are probably a plea for someone to remove the gag.]

BOREALIS: Take it off yourself! You have hands, don't you? [muttering] Sheesh, why does no one ever realize that?

[MAGAX removes the gag. GM makes questioning noises.]

RAINY: I don't know. Borealis, are you going to return GM to my lab? He has work to do.

BOREALIS: I would, but, uh, I don't know how to work this remote. Last time I tried it gagged MAGAX.

JASMINE: And that's a bad thing?

BOREALIS: Good point. I'll try it again.

[Borealis presses another button on the remote, and it breaks in half.]

BOREALIS: Darn it, now I'll have to get a new remote. Or fix that one, I guess.

RAINY: Borealis, can we wrap this up?

BOREALIS: Fine. One last question. According to the rules of "Cheat!" what are the only two alternatives you have if your turn is coming up and you do not have any of the playable cards.

KAVI: You have to either challenge the player before you or cheat. Either way, there's a risk that you'll end up with the pile in your hand.

BOREALIS: Correct! You get one point, Kavi!

KAVI: Though, actually, there is a third alternative, though it's not under your control. If someone else challenges the player before you, you'll be able to play any of your cards. It's not a good idea to rely on that, though.

BOREALIS: Wow! For your insightful analysis of one of my favorite games, you get another point! Kaliiox, what are the standings?

KALIIOX: First place: Chlanga and Kavi, two points each. Third place: Rainy, one point. Fourth place: MAGAX, zero points. Last place: Jasmine, with negative three points.

BOREALIS: Okay! I would give out prizes, but with my remote broken I can't get any, so I'll have to give you some stuff later. Except--MAGAX, since you lost, you have to give me your glowing axe. And I just realized what's up with your name. Since it's in all caps, it must be an acronym, like GM. So, does it stand for... My Aisha Grazes Atop Xenophobes?

KALIIOX: I don't.

MAGAX [clutching his Darklight axe]: I didn't lose! She did! [points at Jasmine]

BOREALIS: She did?

KALIIOX: Jasmine is in last place.

BOREALIS: Drat. [turns to Jasmine] Do you have a glowing axe to give me?

JASMINE: Idiot! Let me out of here now! And you'd better get me that Usuki!


[There is a long silence.]

CHLANGA: Borealis, could you please open the door?

BOREALIS: I can't. Not without the remote.

[There is another long silence.]

CHLANGA: Do you mean we're trapped here?

BOREALIS: Don't worry, I'm sure someone will come looking for us eventually.

The End

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