Caution: Quills may be sharp Circulation: 184,658,392 Issue: 487 | 25th day of Running, Y13
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The Disadvantages of Babyhood


by raytaybrun

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“Guess what I got?” Anna, my owner asks, face expressing something great.

      “What? Is it for me?” I ask. Anna nods. My excitement grows. “Ooh, what is it, what is it?” I exclaim, impatient already to know the surprise.

      Anna smiles, her teeth gleaming. The thing I like about her smile is that it’s so lopsided and crooked, and funny looking, and yet so genuine. It is so like her in its everything. “It’s a paint brush,” she says, waiting for my joy which is bound to come.

      She isn’t disappointed. I gasp, speechless, mouth hanging down, just inches off the floor of our home. I have wanted a paint job for years. Okay, not really, seeing I’m only seventy-eight days old, but out of those seventy-eight years, I’ve wanted to be painted for seventy-four. My two older siblings have already gotten a trip to the Rainbow Pool. Bivon, my brother, is a metallic robot Korbat, in both appearance and attitude. Anistata, my sister, is a beautiful, kind faerie Bori.

      “What is it?”

      Anna’s smile grows when at my question, her toothy grin getting more and more out of proportion as it enlarges. “Let’s just go to the Rainbow Pool, and find out there, okay?”

      I nod in agreement.

      I am so happy that I don’t even care what color it is, thinking that there is no way Anna could pick a bad color, seeing she knows me so well. Little do I know how horrible this outing would end up being.

      After a long walk there, we finally arrive at the Rainbow Pool, me just about to jump out of my skin with the anticipation. Anistata smiles at me. “I was just as excited as you when I got painted,” she tells me.

      I ignore her. Right now I just want to jump in that Pool and come out, freshly painted and beautiful. I don’t care too much, or really not at all, how my sister acted before she became painted. Anna beckons toward the Pool, and without a second thought, I jump in the waters.

      The water is wonderful. Not only does it feel great, but knowing what I’m going to do, it feels one million and two times better (don’t question the two). I feel my body changing and rearranging itself, but that only adds to the excitement that I feel. I can’t wait to reach the surface and find out what I’ve become, what wonderfully wonderful paint brush my wonderful owner has picked out for me.

      When I break the surface, Anna beams at me. Then I know that I am painted a beautiful color, something greater than Anistata’s faerie paint. Anistata gives a little weird noise, a happy intake of breath, and then an “Awww! She is soooo cute!”

      I hate that she calls me cute, but I don’t say anything, ‘cause I’m too excited for my new color and even my sometimes annoying sis can’t change that.

      Anna walks over to the Pool and picks me up. Bivon has an amused expression on his face. He starts laughing. I want him to wipe that silly grin off his face really badly, and then I tell him that. Or at least, I try to tell him that. All that comes out is a load of meaningless blabber. It sounds kind of like Shoo ga nyth ha mythi!

      Anna laughs. “Oh, Tyna, you sound so cute, you little adorable thing! Aren’t you just cute?” There, that’s the second person who calls me cute. Called me cute twice, in fact. We start walking away. Except for the newly painted me, because Anna’s still holding me. I feel like telling her I’m old enough to walk on my own, but I start talking nothing but nonsense again. Anistata laughs and I want to growl at her. This, I find, I can do. But, to my not-amusement, she just laughs harder, and I get madder.

      “Aww, the wittle baby is mad? Whath wrong, wittle baby?” she coos.

      Why is she talking to me like I am a little kid? Then it hits me like an Elephante that needs to go on a diet. My stomach starts tossing and turning as if it were a boat on the sea in the middle of a storm. Anna has painted me baby! I am doomed to goo-goo and gaga for the rest of my life. I start to bawl. Anna looks at me as she cradles me, an expression of pity on her face. “Oh, Tyna, what’s wrong? Are you okay, baby?”

      NO!!! I want to yell to her. I’m a baby Xweetok! How can I be okay? Now I can never grow up! But of course I can’t talk, since I am a baby Xweetok. So instead I just cry, hoping to get the message through. I want to go back to normal. I don’t want to be a baby; I already passed my baby stage and it was horrible. We go home, and I find that Anna has already decorated my room. It has a cradle and plushies galore, which makes me realize she has been planning this for awhile. How could Anna- my owner! - plot this against me? I become angry at her, and bawl harder. She lays me down in the cradle, saying, “Oh, it’s okay, Tyna, just go to sleep.”

      She leaves the room, and I decide to not fall asleep. I’m not tired anyways. But after along time (being all of twenty seconds) I realize I am sleepy. Against my will, I am asleep in ten seconds.

      The next day is not much better. Anna bottle feeds me, and Anistata coos over me and holds me and shows me to all her friends. I hate it all. How could my owner do this to me?

      Then when school starts, which I had been looking forward to. Anna has to hire a babysitter for me, and now I am actually a baby.

      I hate being a baby. Every day I am teething and it hurts, or I cough up stuff on my sister or Anna (which is just as gross for me as it is for them), get all slobbery, can’t walk, only crawl, and can’t communicate to anyone in normal neospeak. It is a hard life when you need something and all you can do is whine or cry.

      Why would someone want a baby forever anyways? I mean, all I can do is cry, poop, eat, and sleep (okay, I can do a little more, but you get my point). Sure there are perks to being a baby, like you get everything you want because your face is so cute. And if you accidently break something (or not-so-accidentally), you get away with it because, and I quote, “You’re just a wittle baby, it’s not your fault.” But besides those, there’s nothing good to being a baby. (Oh, I forgot, you also get to not go to school. And you get all the candy and toys you want.)

      So if you’re going to pick a color to paint your pet, don’t pick baby if you really love your pet. No matter how great being an innocent baby all your life may seem, it’s not. But of course, that is mostly a manner of opinion, so if you wish to do such a thing to your neopet, than do, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The End

 
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