Sloth's Master Plan
Flavor text for the “Sloth's Master Plan” Neopets TCG card:
What if you held a secret evil-masterminds convention and everyone came?
“Order!” Dr. Sloth cried, banging his gavel on the podium. “Order! I will have order!”
“And I will have a burger and fries!” Malkus Vile called from the back. He barely managed to dodge the flying gavel that Sloth had thrown at him in response.
“Did anyone not see that coming?” Eliv Thade asked no one in particular over the muttering of the small crowd.
“Pay attention when I'm speaking to you!!” Sloth roared.
The crowd was quickly quieted by Sloth's loud wrath.
“Is this gonna take long, alien?” Balthazar asked, his voice gruff. “I got faeries to capture.”
“Yes, and I have a manicure scheduled in an hour,” Vira added.
“What am I doing here?” Hubrid Nox thought out loud. “I like working alone best!”
“If you will all just be quiet, we'll be done sooner!” Sloth declared, leaning on the podium and supporting himself with both arms. “Now, before we begin...” He looked around the crowd until he caught sight of an empty seat. “...does anyone know where Jhudora is? I know I sent her an invitation...”
“Oh yeah, she wanted us to say she couldn't make it,” one of the Dark Faerie Sisters said.
“Totally,” another one agreed. “She is like, not the one to let her hand get stuck in the cookie jar, y'know?”
“I see,” Sloth said. “Very well, we shall have to continue on without her.”
“Let's get this over with already, Sloth, I got anagrams to write,” Eliv called.
“Very well,” Sloth replied before turning to address the whole crowd. “Villains of Neopia, we are gathered here today so that I may announce my newest plan to take over the world.”
“If this has anything to do with your sock drawers, I'm outta here,” Vira interrupted.
“No, it has nothing to do with my automatic sock drawers! I couldn't get them to rapid-fire fast enough to stop anyone stupid enough to stand against them! Besides, few Neopians wear socks, so they didn't sell in the amounts necessary for the plan to work.”
“Can we get back to the point?” Balthazar demanded, growling just loud enough for everyone else to hear.
“Yes, yes, of course,” Sloth replied. “Anyways, after much research, I have come to the conclusion that if any of us are to get anything we want, then we must resort to what Neopets refer to as...” He shuddered. “...'teamwork.'”
The hall immediately burst into a chorus of murmurs and whispers.
“'Teamwork'?” one of the Dark Faerie Sisters said after a while.
“Y'mean like, working with... others?” another one asked.
“Precisely,” Sloth answered. “I know the very thought of having to...” He shuddered again. “...'cooperate' makes most of you sick to your stomachs, but my theory is that it is the only way any of us are going to achieve our goals.”
“Are you telling me you want me, Balthazar, to work with them?!” He pointed furiously at the Dark Faerie Sister.
“Oh, like we're also, like, so delighted to have to deal with someone with your fashion sense,” one of them retorted.
“I refuse to work with someone with less intelligence than me!” Hubrid blurted out.
“Well, then you're in luck,” Eliv replied. “I've got both brains and common sense for the both of us.”
“I mean I refuse to work with other people!” Hubrid amended. “I work alone, and that's that!”
“Says the Chia that gets beat up by a Wocky every time,” Vira muttered to herself.
“I heard that, you ugly Acara!” Hubrid shouted in response.
“Who are you calling 'ugly,' Ugly?!” Vira shouted back.
As Sloth had lost his gavel earlier, he started to pound both fists on the podium as a substitute. “Order! Order!”
“I already did!” Malkus called from the back. “Where's my burger and fries?”
Sloth's left eye twitched as he resisted the urge to throw the podium across the auditorium. Vira and Hubrid had turned away from each other pouting like a couple of six-year-olds.
Sloth forced himself to calm down for the sake of both his plan and his blood pressure. “Now then,” he said once he had calmed sufficiently, “I have come up with a plan that will require all of us to work together. If we all work in tandem, there is no chance whatsoever that this will fail.”
“Too late for that,” Eliv replied. “We've just established we can't work together, period, at least not on the same level of authority.”
“We can so!” demanded Sloth. “We just need to put some effort into it! I mean, look, we're all here and we're currently not actively trying to kill each other! That says a lot!”
“Look, we all want to end this quickly and get back home,” Vira said. “So why don't you just give us your plan now, Sloth, and spare us the motivational speech?”
“Very well,” Sloth replied. “Lights, please.”
He barely managed to dodge around the light bulb Hubrid had thrown at him. When Sloth looked, the warlock was looking away and trying to whistle innocently.
“Ha ha, very funny,” he said bitterly. “Can someone just dim the lights?”
“Like, no problem!” one of the Dark Faerie Sisters replied. All three of them cast their magic and soon the auditorium had just enough light left for everyone to see.
“Wonderful! Thank you, girls!” Sloth said. “Now, take a look upon the screen behind me and listen carefully.”
A slide show projector behind the crowd started up and shone its image onto the large screen hanging on the wall behind the alien scientist. Sloth himself picked up the projector's remote control from the shelf inside the podium where he kept it.
“Villains of Neopia, behold! My master plan!”
“What a ham,” Eliv grumbled.
As Sloth spoke, the projection went through a slideshow demonstrating his plan as he spoke it. The images shown will not be described as it would be redundant and like Jelly World: silly.
“This first part was supposed to be handled by Jhudora, but one of the Dark Faerie Sisters will have to take her place. One of my agents will be waiting in hiding near the Money Tree in Neopia Central with incriminating evidence (faked, of course) that Judge Hog, in fact, holds quite a bit of a criminal record. This evidence will be disguised as a pickle jar. Using your ability of disguise, you will approach the Money Tree and signal to my agent, who will then place the pickle jar under the Tree as if donating it; quickly take it, as well as anything else from the Tree you want, before one of those pets gets their grubby hands on it. Get a good distance away, then open the pickle jar. Deliver the 'evidence' to the Defenders of Neopia; they will have no choice but to incarcerate Judge Hog for questioning, throwing their entire team off balance and neutralizing their threat to us. Understood?”
“Um, I, like, don't think just stopping Judge Hog will-”
“Excellent,” Sloth continued as if he wasn't really listening. “Now, Hubrid Nox, you will be positioned at the Deserted Fairground in the Haunted Woods. I have prepared a massive supply of empty bottles, which you shall use to create mayhem by having your ghost armies throw them everywhere, attacking everyone in sight.”
“Sounds demeaning,” the Chia grumbled.
“While they are doing that and distracting any do-gooders, you will loot the entire fairgrounds for anything of value, and then proceed to sell it off for a mountain of Neopoints. Hide it somewhere safe and take a nap on it; we'll be needing it for a later step. Now to Mr. Vile, you still have those two Meercas in your employ, yes?”
“Y'mean Heermeedjet and Merouladen? No, but I think I might be able to get them on commission.”
“That'd do. You will need to go to Krawk Island and perform a tap dance routine.”
“Wait, what?” Vira interjected, but Sloth ignored her.
“The sight of a Skeith tap-dancing, and a wanted one at that, will easily draw the attention of the entire island, allowing the two Meercas to steal every Petpet in the island's shop. Take the Pets to Neopia Central and send them stampeding through the streets. This will distract them, since they wouldn't be as impressed by a Skeith tap-dancing, allowing you and your henchmen to steal the hammer from the TNT Staff Whacker game. With the hammer, hold up Pizzaroo and steal enough of their delivery boy uniforms for all of us. Grab any money you might want while you're at it.”
“Why can't I just have them steal the uniforms?” Malkus questioned.
“We need to generate as much chaos as possible if this plan is going to work,” Sloth replied.
“Yes, because chaos is exactly what a good orderly plan needs,” Eliv snarked.
“Oh look what I just now found under my podium,” Sloth threatened as he pulled out another gavel just like the first one and rapped the top of the podium with it. “Moving on. Balthazar, it'll then be your turn. While Mr. Vile has that stampede going, you need to obtain large amounts of Babaas.”
“I know just the spot,” the Lupe grinned.
“Once you have them, you will head to the forest between Meridell and Brightvale and sheer each and every Babaa of its wool. Using the weaving supplies I've left there, you will spin the wool into yarn and knit a series of items using the provided instructions. These items, when used in a lost-until-I-found-out-about-it ancient ritual, will plague whatever land it's performed in with Evil Fuzzies for nigh on weeks. Because you'll be in the Meridell-Brightvale border, both lands will be hit by the blight. Keep the items after you're done performing the ritual.”
“Do I look like I know how to knit, Doctor?”
Once again, Sloth ignored the protest. “Around here is where I play my part. I will send in some of my Grundo minions to infiltrate Neopia Central and jam the Juice-O-Matic. Eventually the pipes will burst and flood Neopia with Juppie Juice. Meanwhile, my mutant Grundo soldiers will steal a number of siege machines from Meridell's armory under the cover of Evil Fuzzies and load them with massive quantities of eleven different herbs and spices. Once Neopia Central has sufficiently flooded, they will launch the siege machines and make it rain spices all over the town. The owner of Pizzaroo, upon tasting the spice-infused juice and realizing it tastes just like fried chicken, will proceed to make two extra-large pizzas using the spice-juice as a topping, which I will then proceed to buy. Or steal, whichever's easier. Then zap the guy into a mutant for kicks. One of the pizzas will be shared by all of us during our victory celebration.”
“Wait, while we're working on your plan, you're going to be shopping for the after-party?” questioned Hubrid.
“And flooding Neopia Central while I'm at it. Now, Dark Faerie Sisters, you have a very important job.”
“If it's, like, any of the others, I seriously doubt it,” one of them commented as she filed her nails.
“My legions will sneak you aboard my Virtupets Space Station; the one location where I know faerie protection is minimal. You will seize any passing nobody, dress him or her up in a spacesuit if you want, and at the exact time I will give you later, eject him out a certain airlock.”
“Excuse me, I'm afraid my dead ears didn't hear you properly,” Eliv spoke up. “Did you just tell them they need to throw a random Neopet into the cold void of outer space?”
“That's why I suggested the space suit, my close-minded friend,” Sloth replied. “Besides, he won't be there long anyways. If my calculations are correct (and being mine, they most certainly are), the launched Neopet will re-enter Neopia and crash down right on top of the Turmaculus. The beast's resulting flailing from the blow will disrupt the Cheese Roller and Ultimate Bullseye activities, and the resulting domino effect will result in every single game in Neopia going down for at least the next six hours. During all this, you will have taken the first shuttle back to Neopia and, in the midst of this worldwide confusion, steal every piece of asparagus in the world.”
“Asparagus?!” said one of the Dark Faerie Sisters. “Like, what?”
“As any first grade Neoschooler will tell you, my dears,” Sloth elaborated, “asparagus is, indeed, the food of the gods. Next up is Eliv Thade.”
“Oh, lucky me,” the specter snarked.
“While all the games are down, you will meet up with Nox where he's keeping the Neopoints and use them to buy a super-powered magical wrench and a massive beaker. While the faeries are all distracted by the Faerie Caves collapsing and the Poogle racetrack being overrun by a hoard of Kaus, you will take the opportunity by using the wrench to drain the Rainbow Fountain and gather all the water in the beaker.”
“That sounds distinctly possible,” Eliv muttered sarcastically.
“And finally, that brings us to our lovely Vira,” Sloth announced.
“I'm flattered, Sloth.”
“You've got a lot to do, my dear. I've assembled a special Neodeck that my scientists have determined is unbeatable when combined with your, how did they put it, mirror magic. Just before the games go down, you'll play against someone, don't care who, and keep it going until it crashes. The resulting energy that is released from the match's sudden termination will cause the entire area to be shrouded in magical darkness and give you enough power to gather and liquefy all dung for about a hundred meter radius.”
“Again, wait, what?”
And again, Sloth ignored her. “My Grundos will provide containers to fill with the dung; gather as much as you can. Also, once you've done that, my Grundos will take it away while you head over to that abandoned sweets factory on the hill and capture the Jelly Chia.”
“Sloth, I knew you were nuts, but this-”
“-is pure brilliance! We'll all gather back together in the forest outside Brightvale. There we will take the asparagus, the Rainbow Fountain water, the liquefied dung, and juice squeezed from the Jelly Chia and apply it all to the herbed-and-spiced pizza that we won't be eating later; the resulting concoction will be strong enough to mutate any creature that could possibly eat it, while the smell will be covered by the spice-infused Juppie Juice. Then we will disguise ourselves as pizza boys and deliver it personally to Queen Fyora. She'll be too busy trying to restore order to Neopia after all our chaos to notice just what she's eating, and she'll mutate and lose all her faerie powers. With Fyora indisposed, we will seize control of the castle easily, and then all of Faerieland, and finally all of Neopia! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!” The mad scientist restored his composure in the blink of an eye. “We then celebrate our victory by sharing the other pizza among ourselves. And for all the more effort we put into it, it, and our victory, will taste all the more delicious.”
The projector clicked off, and the darkness faded away, restoring the hall to its original level of light.
Silence reigned over the auditorium for what seemed like hours. The villains stared at Sloth. Sloth stared back.
And suddenly, the silence was finally broken by Vira. “What was that?! You call that a master plan?! It sounds like you just took our names and a bunch of random actions and drew them out of a hat!”
“Actually, I got the impression he drew them out of a plastic bag...” Hubrid replied.
“Same difference! It's still completely random and has no basis in reality whatsoever! Calling it 'crazy' would be the understatement of the century!”
“My plan is completely sound,” Sloth replied calmly. “If you are simply too small-minded to see the big picture...”
“What small mind, Sloth? If you wanted small minds, you would've invited the Jelly Chia yourself!”
“...Actually, that would've made one part of the plan quite easier...”
“Point is, you invited us, the best and brightest villains Neopia has to offer,” Vira countered. “If you weren't expecting feedback, then maybe you're not the genius you've cracked yourself up to be.”
Sloth responded by rapping his spare gavel. “Order! Such comments are completely uncalled for!”
The other villains eventually joined in the resulting squabble that began to fill the hall, throwing insults and accusations left and right. It wasn't long before the shouting had degraded to the point that it had nothing to do with the plan whatsoever and they were insulting each other just to insult each other.
The debate was on the verge of breaking out into fisticuffs when suddenly, there was the sound of the auditorium door opening. Everyone fell silent and turned to the door, just in time to see the Shadow Usul slink in.
“Hey, everyone,” she said to the others as she seemingly slid down the aisle instead of walked. “Sorry I'm late.”
“What are you doing here?” Sloth asked. “I didn't invite you!”
“You didn't, but Jhudora did,” the Shadow Usul replied as she took a seat near Vira and Eliv. “She gave me her invitation.”
“Grr,” Sloth growled to himself. “Figures she would want to dispose of the evidence...”
“So!” The Shadow Usul clapped her hands and turned to Vira. “What've I missed?”
“Sloth came up with another stupid plan,” Vira answered.
“And an overly complicated one at that which makes it even more stupid than usual,” Eliv added.
“Oh, so nothing important then?” the Shadow Usul verified.
Vira replied with a simple “Yep.”
“Oh, I didn't think it was completely stupid,” Malkus said.
Everyone in the auditorium turned to look at him, and then everybody but Sloth and the Shadow Usul said, “What?” in utter disbelief.
“Hey, after all, it ended with us getting pizza,” he explained. He pulled himself up to his feet. “And speaking of pizza, I never got my burger and fries, so I'm going out for lunch. Anyone wanna come with? My treat!”
“Finally, a good idea!” Hubrid proclaimed as he and the rest of the assembled villains stood up and started to clamor out of the hall, which judging by his expression was a big shock to Dr. Sloth.
“Yeah, listening to stupid plans, even ones that get rid of faeries, works up an appetite,” Balthazar agreed.
“Hey, Shadow Usul, you coming?” Vira paused in the aisle to ask her companion, who hadn't moved.
“You go on ahead,” the living shadow replied. “I've got to talk to some people who didn't think of inviting me to the latest evil-masterminds convention.” As she said this, she shifted her gaze to glare at Sloth.
“How was I supposed to send your invitation?!” the doctor proclaimed. “Your Neomail never has a return address! I had to rewrite the entire plan so we didn't need you!”
“'Deepest shadow in the deepest part of the forest outside Neopia Central,'” the Shadow Usul recited. “I fail to see how that is not a proper address.”
“Hey, anyone joining us for pizza, last call!” Eliv called from the door. All the others had already left.
“Look, I had to hustle to get here and I've worked up an appetite,” the shadow told the scientist. “I'm not missing out on a chance for free lunch. You're welcome to join us.”
“Hm...” Sloth thought it over. “...If I recall, I do not have any time-sensitive experiments operating right now. Perhaps I could do just my part of the plan for the occasion.”
“Nice,” the Shadow Usul replied as they walked together out of the auditorium. “...Say, what was your part of the plan?”
“Oh, just flooding Neopia Central with spice-infused Juppie Juice to create a victory pizza.”
“Mmm... Sounds appetizing. Perhaps next time.”
"Yes, perhaps." As he closed the door behind him, Sloth chuckled. “Who said that villains can't work together?”