White Weewoos don't exist. *shifty eyes* Circulation: 184,086,337 Issue: 480 | 4th day of Awakening, Y13
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

How Not to Eat Borovan

by emmabat_3


We know all about cheese. Socks. Neggs. Mushrooms. Just four of Neopia's most amazing sets of items. All that's left to learn about is... you've got it—jelly! Now, first you need to know about Jelly Wor—aargh! No, no, I didn't mean it! Hold up! Hold up! I was kidding! Yes, um, this article is really about, um, borovan! Yes, borovan. (Whew, that was close.) You see, borovan must be the most amazing warm winter drink of all Neopia's history. After all, it's the color of hot chocolate... and it's rather, um, asparagus-y. Plus, it'll put hairs on your chest!

Cup of Hot Borovan—Where to start but at the beginning? There would be no borovan without this, the simple creation that started it all. Its origins are... rather unclear, and according to the description you should only drink it if you are okay with having hair on your chest. Which I suppose doesn't really matter if you're a Neopet and already fuzzy. I asked the evil red Jelly Quiggle who tried to kidnap me—evil? no, I didn't mean evil, I meant... dashing!—how it tasted. He said he'd only had the very nonexistent jelly kind, but as the jelly flavors are extremely accurate, he was fairly sure it tasted like asparagus shot with Dr. Sloth's ray gun mixed with hot chocolate. He wouldn't say how he found out what asparagus soot tasted like, though.

Borovan Brownies—Brownies are always good, right? After all, they are chocolate, and chocolate is only the best dessert ever. Assuming that the magical effect of chocolate would cancel out the borovan's magical tendency to grow hair on your chest, I decided to try this. Unfortunately, the chocolate spent all its magical properties canceling out the borovan's, and so it tasted... just... like... asparagus soot mixed with chocolate brownies! Hey, jelly flavors are extremely accurate! It really is too bad jelly isn't real...

Borovan Press—The only thing better than having borovan is having fresh borovan (no, really, it doesn't taste like asparagus soot)! All you have to do is throw in some asparagus, hit a couple of handy buttons, and voila! Fresh borovan! This is a great way for having borovan to drink at home. Especially since the Borovan Press doesn't give borovan that strange magical ability to grow hair. However, it's still for people with an acquired taste, and seems to turn princesses into Mortogs. Only temporarily, though!

Borovan Pavlova—I figured I'd try this, since I have absolutely no clue whatsoever what a pavlova is, and it looked like a dessert. It tasted pretty good, chocolatey with a hint of asparagus. No soot. No hair. No Mortogs. Just chocolate and meringue and delicious asparagus. I was pleased to find this is possibly the best borovan food in all of Neopia. Wait... wait... it just dissolved the plate it was on. Is that supposed to happen? Why must borovan be so scary? Well, as I watch the pavlova ooze out the door, leaving a trail of ash, I must conclude that this was the best-tasting borovan and I would highly recommend buying it. Unless, of course, you don't have an acid-resistant plate at your Neohome.

Suspicious Borovan Creame Pie—This is pie. It has cream. What could be so bad about it? I mean, it says it's suspicious, but it can be suspicious and delicious at the same time, right? It doesn't taste too bad, by comparison... rather like borovan mixed with whipped cream. Which is not too bad a combinat—OH MY FYORA WHAT IS THAT? After poking the... strange... object with a fork, I have decided that it must be asparagus. After poking the asparagus some more with a fork, I have decided that Dr. Sloth must have shot it with his ray gun, as it promptly disintegrated. Now I'm slo-o-owly pushing the plate away and slo-o-owly backing away from the creame pie. I do not recommend feeding this to your Neopets, unless you warn them first about the extra asparagus soot. *shudders*

Cup of Borovan Plushie—Yes, I know that technically this is not a borovan since it is not food but a toy. However, after those last couple of encounters with borovan foods, I think it's safer to stick with a plushie this time. Right, my little Cup of Borovan Plushie? Mmm, now that is a good cup of borovan.*pets* This is the one cup of borovan that I definitely will suggest you buy. You can sit by the fire with your Cup of Borovan Plushie and pretend to be drinking it without all the emotional trauma that comes with actually drinking it! Woohoo! You can go now. I want some time alone with my precious little plushie.

Cup of Frozen Borovan—I figured that if I cut off just to play with a plushie, my article would be too short. So I'm continuing. Remember, this is just for you, so appreciate it. However, I'm still staying on the safe side. This Cup of Frozen Borovan ought to be pretty safe, don't you think? To find out, I shall poke it with a fork. Don't look so skeptical; it worked with the creame pie! Let's see now... oh, my. It's the pavlova all over again! My poor little fork... I suppose that for the purpose of the article I still must test its taste. *sigh* I am sticking my tongue to it now... and it's not coming off of my tongue. And I'm afraid to pour water over it, because then it might melt and I might actually get borovan in my mouth! At least I've determined that frozen borovan is more dangerous than hot borovan. Don't try this at home.

I'm quitting. Now. This article is simply too dangerous to continue. I've been kidnapped by a Quiggle, tasted borovan, accidentally turned my Shoyru into a Mortog, watched a dessert melt a hole in my door, gotten my tongue stuck to a borovan ice cube, and been laughed at by my Neopets for sticking my tongue to it. My resignation letter may be found in Jel—excuse me, Magical Nonexistent Dessert World, and if you would like to know more about borovan, you can come watch as I feed my Neopets borovan in revenge. On second thought, you can do that later, because now I'm going to go hide in a corner with my Cup of Borovan Plushie.

Search the Neopian Times

Great stories!


Common Enemy
The Snowager is no joke.

by ssjelitegirl


ALARM! Enemy Observed! Read Now to Be Safe!
Your everyday villain: Now a guide in how to defeat that big, bad Boredom!

by lovisa966


The Kadoatery is Not Enough - Part 2
The Meepits may have won our last battle...

by burning_shadows_79


Jhudora's Request
I'm waiting...

by ashley_golf_4ever

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.