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Neopia's Future New Features

by slamina83


LOST DESERT – Yeah, it’s exciting to be in the first month of a new year on Neopets and it’s fun to speculate about what new games, plots, Neopet species, and surprises might be in store for us in the coming 12 months... but for this article, let’s forget about Year 7 for a second.

Let’s instead turn the speculation dial to a point further into the future – to 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 25 years from now…even up to 50 years from now. What might Neopia be like in the distant future? What might be different? What might have changed? What will stay exactly the same?

Well, now is your opportunity to get a sneak preview of what the future of Neopia will be like (at least what I think it will be if current trends continue). It is contained in this letter I sent to the Neopets Team recently on this very subject...

The Neopets Team

100 A Splode Avenue

Sumwherin, Neopia Central

Dear Neopets Team:

I am writing you today because I felt that the results of an experiment that Scarlet, my Zafara, and I performed in the Lost Desert recently might interest you – specifically since those results are about you and your future.

You see, a few months ago, Scarlet read your lovely books Time Travel and Jump Into the Future and insisted he and I attempt to see the future of Neopia for real. I went along with it, and so we built a machine out of Space Station junk with a giant antenna and a screen that Scarlet hoped would receive transmissions from the future. To my surprise, it worked – the machine displayed several transmissions from future Neopian New Features pages. In fact, the fuel I used to power the machine, the contents of a Pan Galactic Gargle Slushie, was so powerful that we were even able to see news put out by you up to Year 57 – 50 years from now! We were only able to get recordings of bits and pieces because of static, but what we got were authentic future New Features that you wrote years from now. Very interesting New Features, I might add, as you’ll see…

What we got included news that we would kind of expect to see after 50 years…

  • A bell tolls, a Lupe howls. Somewhere on the Virtupets Space Station, Dr. Sloth momentarily gags while drinking a can of Neocola. Another game has been dragged into the Games Graveyard. For real this time.

A continuation of certain beloved trends…

  • From the creators of the Attack Pea, the Seasonal Attack Pea, the Atomic Attack Pea, and the Asparagus-flavored Attack Pea comes… The Invisible Attack Pea!

    Make your opponents eat their vegetables without even knowing it!

And proof that in Neopia, some things will never change…

  • We have fixed some additional errors in the Which Petpet Are You quiz we released some years ago, so if you believe that the test was in error when you took it, you can retake it by clicking here. We promise this time that you will not be a Pink Slorg unless you deserve it.

But that’s enough writing from me. Here are the rest of the New Features I was able to record from the years up to and including Year 57:


  • It’s time for a new Random Contest! This week we want you to… um…

    Tell you what— we’ve done everything random we can think of, including asking you to think of ideas for us (twice), so this week… just do whatever you want. Poems, artwork, live karaoke… you name it. We’ll judge your entries based on how much we like them.

  • There are rumors circulating that some sort of creatures that can barely be seen are attaching themselves to Petpetpetpetpetpets. Below is a picture of what these guys are believed to look like. We will update on this as soon as we know more…

  • What’s this? It seems to be some sort of high-tech transportation device that runs on fossil fuels…

  • It appears that the ruins of Maraqua got tired of just sitting there while the other worlds got all the attention, and therefore has started swirling again! Whoosh!

  • Issue 2283 of the Neopian Times has just been released! Lots of stories, comics, and yet another article by that dude that’s been writing for the NT since Y5 or so. (I think it’s time we added our 52nd NT restriction…)

  • Good news! We have increased the amount of NP you get from Whack-a-Kass by 50%!

    EDIT: No, wait a minute… it was decreased by 50%. You now get 1 NP for every 100 points scored. Ouch, sorry guys…

  • New Game - Get ready for our newest game starring Marvin the Meerca, Meerca Chase XII! Yes, the second cousin of our last game’s hero, Micah, is stepping up to the Negg collecting plate this time. This sequel contains all the lava pits, attacking Yurbles, and heat-seeking Rahketmelon missiles you’ve come to expect in Meerca Chase, except this time, some of the Neggs are after YOU…

    *Heh heh heh*

  • Fyora has just made paintbrushes for the new Petpetpetpetpetpetpets available in the Hidden Tower for 1,000,000,000 NP! Use these brushes to paint your pixel-sized treasures red, blue, pink, or use the extra special Christmas paintbrush to make it… uh… red. (It’s only a pixel tall… what did you expect?)

  • Bad news – Neopia is currently experiencing a severe outbreak of Floppy Tongue, one thought to be caused by everyone trying to say Petpetpetpetpetpetpet. To assist in reducing the epidemic, the Neopian Medicine Shop has increased its supply of Tongue Shrinkers by 500% and advises everyone to learn about exponents.

  • After years of answering questions about this in the Neopian Times Editorial, everyone should know what this holiday is by now, so, for once… Happy St. David’s Day everyone!

  • Our artists were kinda bored today, so they decided to finally draw some of those sketches they hadn’t done yet. Therefore, sketches of Zafaras, Eyries, and Korbats are now available.

  • A special Art Gallery has just gone live featuring artwork commemorating Sloth and Jhudora’s recent change of feelings toward each other…

    *images not available*

  • You may now own six Neope- ha ha, made you look!


Those were all the New Features my Zafara and I were able to see with the machine since, unfortunately, some Lyins and Scarabugs got into the wiring and shorted the machine out. Well, to tell you the truth, the machine isn’t even there anymore since… um… Dr. Sloth’s Rock Beast spontaneously came back to life yesterday and ate it, and I therefore can’t really prove that it existed in the first place. But you believe me, right?

Anyway, I hope you found these New Features as interesting as I did and will ponder over them and think about them and your reactions to them as you make decisions about Neopia in the future. In the meantime, have a great, eventful half century, and we Neopian will be waiting to see how you use it.


Author's note: This is one of my first attempts at writing for the Neopian Times, so any comments on this article you might have or suggestions for improvement you could send to me through Neomail would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!

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