White Weewoos don't exist. *shifty eyes* Circulation: 191,643,725 Issue: 476 | 7th day of Sleeping, Y13
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An Essential Guide to Owning Darigan Petpets

by parody_ham


A petpet can be a treasured member of the family and a forever friend. Scruffles, the Darigan Angelpuss, was just the opposite. Of course, all petpet behaviour can be remedied with the right steps. With a little help from the correct sources, anything is possible.

     “Scruffles! Stop eating the furniture!” exploded a less than pleased Usul named Lillian.

     The Angelpuss made a large toothy smile as she took a bite the size of a grapefruit from the neighbouring chair.

     “You know, Scruffles! You used to be such a wonderful petpet before I painted you, but now—“

     “Stop!” appeared a commanding voice, his right paw extended in front of his face, “Your Darigan petpet can be a wonderful member of the household and more if you take the following easy and affordable steps!”

     An eerie silence hung over the hall.

     “Who in the world are you? And what are you doing in my neohome?!” Lillian jumped, her ears quivering backwards. On the other hand, Scruffles continued to peacefully munch on the stuffing of the chair.

     “I,” boomed the burly Lupe wearing what appeared to be a tomato-red handcrafted superhero suit complete with a bright red mask with sundry frills dangling from the sides, “I am a member of the petpet rights alliance and I can help you with your problem, Miss!”

     Lillian’s right eyebrow rose slowly as she gingerly brought one paw back slowly moving towards the door. “So, you’re saying you are a...”

     “Proud member of the petpet rights alliance!!” interrupted the Lupe.

     “Uh... right... and you said you could help me with my...” she trailed off as she glanced towards Scruffles who started to reach towards a pile of collectable Usukis. “SCRUFFLES! Get away from those!”

     “Yes, Miss! For I am...” He made a pose as if to create an interpretative dance between the lines of surfing and ballet. “PETER!!”

     At this point, even Scruffles turned back towards the Lupe, her head turned curiously as she inched towards the odd figure.

     “No, wait! Scruffles! Don’t go over to him!” shouted Lillian.

     As if caught in a trance, Scruffles walked up to the Lupe and purred gently as she laid her head against his bright red suit.

     Lillian’s jaw dropped as she stood flabbergasted. “What? When did you? And she? And... how did you manage to do that?”

     “Well, you see, Miss—”

     “And stop calling me Miss! It’s Lillian!”

     “Well, you see, Miss Usul lady,” he belted out, making sure to enunciate the word ‘miss’, “I simply showed this petpet that I cared for her (and a toy or two in the pocket never hurt either).”

     Lillian raised a paw up to her face, slowly rubbing it against her forehead in frustration.

     “Alright, fine. Peter, did you say it was?”

     “YES, MISS!” he thundered.

     She let out an audible sigh as she looked the unusual Lupe in the eyes, one being bright blue, the other being a pale green resembling the colour of fresh tea leaves. “As much as I hate to admit this...” she trailed off before beginning again this time more seriously. “I need your help, Peter. You are the first Lupe, nay, anyone, I have ever met that could tame her. You said you had some... advice or something like that?”

     “Yes. Yes I do, Miss! For I am Pet—”

     She quickly covered his mouth with her right paw. “Peter. I get it. Now, could you help me already?” Her back paw tapped the ground, stirring the attention of Scruffles, who now was fixated on her master’s odd behaviour. Seemingly bored by the situation, the Darigan Angelpuss started wandering towards a table to gnaw on.

      Peter pranced towards the Angelpuss, scooping her into his arms.

     “Now, Miss Usul, I implore you listen to my words of wisdom.” Lillian simply waved him to continue, though her brow furrowed. “I present you...” Peter inhaled deeply as if prepping for a ten mile sprint, “THE NEOPIAN’S GUIDE FOR DARIGAN PETPET CARE!!!” Shouting at the top of his lungs, he then nodded assertively before continuing his speech.

     “First off, all petpets,” he rubbed under Scruffles’s chin slowly as he continued calmly, “love to be spoiled. Darigan petpets are no exception. In actuality, they require extra love to show them that no matter their appearance, they will be loved the same way.”

     “That was the first normal thing you have said this entire time,” stated Lillian bluntly, no longer shocked by anything she heard.

     “YES. But now comes part TWO.” The Lupe darted his eyes back and forth before continuing. “Darigan petpets, because they like the darker things of Neopia need toys of...” Peter’s voice lowered to a whisper, “evilness! One or two Darigan toys should work fine. Don’t you agree, Scruffles?!”

     Out of nowhere, he removed two Darigan toys, one being a Darigan Water Balloon (Lillian didn’t bother to ask where in Neopia he managed to get the water balloon let alone how he had transported it as she continued to shake her head) and the other being a Darigan Bubble blower.

     He handed both of these toys to the Angelpuss, whose strawberry red eyes glimmered happily.

     “Meow!” called the Angelpuss, overjoyed by her new gifts. Her wings fluttered quickly as she shuddered with excitement.

     “And now...” He brought his paws in front of his face one over the other holding them as if playing a game of tug-of-war against himself. “I now present the most IMPORTANT thing, Miss Usul.”

     “What is the most important thing, Peter?” she responded, bemused.

     Peter looked simply overjoyed as a wide grin spread across his face.

     “Do you promise you will abide by this, Miss Usul lady? This is a binding obligation and once you have agreed, it is necessary that you continue this process.”

     “Yeah, I guess,” she responded softly while shifting uncomfortably. It wasn’t every day that she was told to do a “binding obligation”. “If it will make Scruffles act like this all of the time, I suppose I will do anything.”

     “Are you positive you can handle the responsibility? It’s an incredible task I ask of you.” He suddenly grew serious again, his face showing no sign of insincerity.

     Taken aback by his sudden change she became nervous. Lillian’s voice began to quiver as she squeaked, “Yes. Yes, I am ready for the responsibility, Peter.”

     The Lupe, seemingly calm now, nodded slowly. “You are ready,” he asserted handing the Angelpuss back into the paws of the Usul.

     As Peter patted the Angelpuss, who was still toying with the bubble blower, the little petpet’s eyes were looking through the spiked covered ring. She slowly dipped the rod into the mix and blew out a large variety of shapes including spikes which raised Lillian’s curiosity once again.

     “The absolute most important thing you must remember when working with Darigan petpets is that every day, without fail, you must always, and I do mean always wear purple and banana yellow socks!!” He pointed proudly to his socks, coloured as he previously mentioned.

      As before, a great silence fell over the hall. Shellshocked, Lillian was left speechless.

     “I... I...” she stammered. “I don’t know what to say.” She sat down slowly against her wall, her Angelpuss playing around with the water balloon.

     With his masked face held high, Peter patted his head softly in praise.

     “I have assisted another citizen and with that, all of her troubles will be solved! Another job well done, Peter the Petpet rights hero!!” He nodded in glee, clearly pleased with his insurmountable deed. “And now, I bid you and your petpet farewell, Miss Usul lady!”

     He raised his right paw up towards her room while shouting, “FOR JUSTICE!” And, as if he had never appeared, the room was suddenly quiet.

     Lillian, still staring blankly into space, hardly felt the water balloon as Scruffles playfully tossed it into her face.

The End

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