Enter the Snowflake's lair... Circulation: 182,995,662 Issue: 470 | 19th day of Storing, Y12
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A Play About Nobody and Nothing

by mamasimios


Scene opens on a comfy, overstuffed chair in a cosy parlour. Although the chair, the only comfortable looking chair in the room, appears empty, it is actually occupied by an invisible Bruce named “Nobody”. At her feet lies her invisible Warf named “Nothing”. The Bruce is fast asleep and oblivious to everything that follows.

A doorbell rings. Cavillace, the Mutant Draik, rises from a straight-backed wooden chair to answer it. Krawkawk, the Darigan Krawk, enters.

Krawkawk: Hello, my old friend. It’s really been too long. We have a lot to catch up on.

Cavillace: You’re right about that. Won’t you have a seat?

Krawkawk heads for the comfy, overstuffed chair.

C: Oh no, not there. Anywhere but there.

Krawkawk looks at the two empty wooden chairs, and looks back at the Draik with confusion. Pointing to the comfy chair, she asks:

K: Is that chair broken?

C: No.

K: Dirty?

C: No.

K: Occupied? Ha ha.

C: Well, Nobody is sleeping there.

K: I can see that.

C: Can you? That’s odd.

K: Yes, it is odd.

C: ...

K: ...

C: Please have a seat; I’d love to hear what you’ve been up to.

Krawkawk takes a step toward the comfy, overstuffed chair once more.

C: Please, not there. Like I said, Nobody is sitting there.

K: Nobody is sitting there?

C: Nobody sits there a lot. It’s a great chair to fall asleep in.

K: If it’s such a great chair, why isn’t anybody allowed to sit in it?

C: Hmmm. I guess because I don’t know “Anybody”.

K: You don’t know anybody? You must know somebody.

C: Hmmm, I don’t think so.

K: You know nobody?

C: That’s right. Nobody lives here, actually.

K: Except you, of course.

C: Except I, what?

K: Well, you live here, right?

C: That’s right. Just me and Nobody.

K: And nobody’s in that chair right now?

C: Yep.

K: And if I sat in that chair, nobody would get sat on?

C: Yep again.

K: So what’s the worst that would happen if I did sit there?

C: Well, if you sat there, Nobody would get squished...

K: Right...

C: And if Nobody got squished, probably Nobody would scream.

K: Naturally. How could anybody scream if nobody is there?

C: Well, like I said, I don’t know “Anybody”, but certainly Nobody would scream if you sat there.

K: Right. So why can’t I sit there?

C: Because Nobody is sleeping there.

K: Are you saying that I could only sit in that chair if somebody was sleeping there? That doesn’t make any sense.

C: Um, no, that wouldn’t make any sense, would it? If Somebody comes by, they could always take a nap upstairs, I guess, while Nobody is sleeping in that chair.

K: Yeah, I guess...

C: ...

K: ...

C: So, would you like to have a seat? I’d really love to catch up on old times.

K: I remember you as being a bit more... hospitable. A bit more... rational.

C: I remember you as being a bit more... friendly yourself. Why would you even want to sit in the chair with Nobody in it?

K: Wait. Are you asking me to share a chair with you? How could we even fit on that chair?

C: No... um, I’m offering you your pick of these two chairs.

K: But there’s nobody in that comfy looking chair, right?

C: That’s right, I think you’ve got it now.

K: And nobody is sitting on these chairs, too, right?

C: Well, no, how could that be? Nobody is in that chair.

K: Uh huh, and nobody is on these chairs...

C: Wait. Do you, maybe, see “Somebody” on one of these chairs?

K: Of course not.

C: And you don’t see “Anybody” on one of these chairs?

K: No, like I said, I don’t see anybody at all.

C: Oh, okay. I just wondered, because like I said, I don’t know “Anybody”. Just Nobody.

K (under breath): I’m beginning to understand why that would be.

C: What was that?

K: Nothing.

C: Oh, do you see Nothing?

K: Well, I don’t see anything.

C: No, you wouldn’t; I won’t let Anything in the house. It’s just Nothing over there right now. I thought that if you could see Nobody was sleeping in that chair, maybe Nothing caught your eye.

K: Well, nothing did.

C: Oh, so you do see Nothing over there?

K: Yes, when I look over there I see nobody and nothing.

C: That’s what I thought. Maybe Nothing will come looking for a treat if you hold your hand out.

K: Yeah... I hope so...

C: Oh, do you like Warfs?

K: Um... I guess... that seems a little random... I really don’t understand why...

C: That’s surprising, really. I don’t remember you being a big fan of Petpets. But that’s why I want you to sit down, relax. I’d love to get to know you again.

Nobody, the invisible Bruce, shifts in her sleep, making a slight groaning sound.

K: What was that?

C: Nobody.

K: That wasn’t nobody. I’m telling you, that was somebody. Somebody was making groaning noises over there.

C: What? Somebody’s here? Now?

K: Well, somebody must be because somebody made that sound.

C: I was sure it was Nobody. Do you see Somebody?

K: Well, no, I don’t see anybody.

C: How did Anybody get tangled up in this again? I asked if you see Somebody here.

K: Listen. When I look over there, I see nobody.

C: Ah, good. That’s what I thought.

K: How is that good? Somebody is groaning over there.

C: But you only see Nobody?

K: Yes...

C: Then Nobody is groaning. Like I said, Nobody is sleeping in that chair.

Krawkawk strides impatiently towards the chair, accidentally kicking Nothing, the Warf, and making it squeak out in protest.

K: What was that?

C: Nothing.

K: Well, it must have been something.

C: No, it was Nothing.

K: Something squeaked.

C: No, Nothing squeaked.

K: I know what I heard.

C: So do I. It happens all the time actually. I assure you, it was Nothing.

K: So... nothing is squeaking over here where nobody is groaning?

C: That’s right. It's Nobody and Nothing.

K: I think I remember now why we lost touch.

C: ...

K. ...

C: Please just have a seat.

K: I’m going to ask just one last time. Can I sit in the comfy chair?

C: But you know Nobody is sleeping there. I don’t understand why...

K: Then I’m just going to get going. Maybe look you up in another ten years.

C: Please, over all these years, I’ve been telling Nobody about you.

K: No wonder. If you don't know anybody. I’ve told all my new friends about you.

C: I might not know Anybody, but Nobody thinks you’re an interesting Krawk.

K: Hmph. Like I said, I really should be going.

C: Nobody thinks you’re funny and Nobody thinks you’re smart and Nobody thinks you’re amazing.

K: Which way was the door again?

C: But don’t you see? Nobody wants to meet you. Nobody wants to get to know you.

K: I don’t think I ever really knew you.

C: Nobody will be really upset if you leave here now.

K: I don’t know why I ever came in the first place.

C: Please just sit down here with me. It’s been so long...

K: Not long enough, I guess.

Krawkawk strides angrily toward the door, exits, slamming the door behind her.

Nobody: What? What was that?

C: Oh, that was Krawkawk. Leaving. Did she wake you?

N: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Was I sleeping this whole time? How did your visit go?

C: It was the strangest thing, Nobody. She said she knew you were in that chair, but she kept wanting to sit on you.

N: Ha ha ha. That is strange.

C: Ha ha ha. Yep, I guess it is. Good riddance anyway. I'm happy to just hang out here with Nobody and Nothing to keep me company.

Nothing: Yap, yap, yap!

Laughter and fade to black.

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