Preventing Petrification Tips
With all of Neopia in chaos over the petrified faeries, thousands (maybe just one or two) are asking one question: Could we have avoided this dreadful event? Have we become too complacent under the faeries' rule? What can we, as fellow lovers of not being turned into stone, do to prevent this from happening again? What can we, as fellow haters of bad things in general, do to ensure Neopia's safety from the mad plans of lurking evildoers?
Fear no more, Neopia, for here is a simple and easy to follow guide to avoiding yet another doomsday plot engineered by a diabolical villain, all for 999 NP, shipping and handling is extra:
1. Do not, under any circumstance, try to steal a glowing artifact. It glows for a reason. Now, you might be thinking that the glowing means extra neopoints when pawning the artifact in the streets of Sakhmet. This is not the case! Please stick to non-glowing and non-animated artifacts from this point on. Avoid the glowing artifacts like a swarm of locusts.
2. Forget to carry a shovel around for the purposes of clearing rubble. Rubble is good; it hides things. If there is a pile of rubble in your way, consider admitting defeat and returning home instead of removing the pile of rubble. It is a lot of work, after all. In addition, do not carry mining picks or any other rubble removing device.
3. Do not post signs announcing to the world that you possess a glowing artifact. Do not tell your cousin's daughter's best friend's uncle's butler twice removed that you possess a glowing artifact. In fact, do not tell anyone that you possess a glowing artifact. The silence will be difficult, but it will most assuredly prevent you from turning into stone.
4. Keep glowing artifacts out of the library – the glowing is no doubt hazardous to library patrons and will prove to be a distraction from serious studying. Purchase an artifact vault or build a secret passageway from the library to the glowing artifact. Important – Only access the vault or secret passageway when there is no one around to witness the event or ask annoying questions about what you're doing.
5. If you are keeping glowing artifacts in your library, please do not leave them strewn about on the floor where any clumsy, yet not so bright thief, may accidentally stumble upon them. Glowing artifacts should be stored safely in inconspicuous boxes that should confuse the average inept burglar. Remember that the boxes have to be inconspicuous! Do not label the boxes “Glowing Artifact” or you will have failed at keeping the artifact anonymous.
6. Remember to lock the doors to your library where you keep a glowing artifact. Consider casting or purchasing a spell to permanently seal off the door of the library to anyone but yourself. Should you ultimately decide to hire guards for your library door, pay them well so that they will not betray you and take measures to ensure they have no idea what they are guarding.
7. If the glowing artifacts emit a very strong glow, please consider also purchasing curtains for your library's windows. Better yet, board up the windows and chant a magical spell or two to sink the library into the ground where no one can see the glowing artifact.
8. Be sure to upgrade your favorite weapon so that it shoots more than three Neopian feet in a linear direction. It would be extremely helpful if the weapon could shoot five or more Neopian feet in any direction. In fact, upgrade all of your weapons just in case; it never hurts to have a variety. But remember – shooting in any direction is the key!
9. Feel free to brag about the upgraded weapon(s). This time, DO post signs announcing to the world that you possess this upgraded weapon and show no hesitancy for indulging in a few public “demonstrations”. A scared populace is a populace that is too afraid to even look at your glowing artifact and that is a good thing.
10. When you do see a thief stealing your glowing artifacts from your library, do all that you can to stop them from fleeing the library with the glowing artifacts. It is quite useless to stand still and yell, “Stop, thief!” when you could have spent the time teleporting to the thief's location and blasting them with the previously mentioned upgraded weapon(s).
Finally, if you do not follow any of the above advice in how to prevent petrification, please follow this last gem of wisdom: If there is an evildoer holding a glowing artifact in their hand and muttering strange incantations that, well... sound evil, please stop the incantation. This can be as simple as taking off your shoe and hurling it at the evildoer. Or you can break out into song and dance as a distraction. Who knows, perhaps the evildoer will forget their evil plans and tip you for your wondrous entertainment efforts.
Or, if you are an evildoer who currently has a glowing artifact in your hand, refrain from muttering an incantation to activate the power of the glowing artifact. At least do some boring research in the above mentioned library to learn more about the powers of the glowing artifact in an effort to stall. Do not be afraid to yell out to the librarian if you feel the need to mutter an incantation – they are there to help you, after all. Feel free to make use of the buddy system so that your fellow evildoer can stop you from muttering and question if this is what you really want to do.
Disclaimer: While I have no doubt that the advice given above will absolutely, one-hundred percent, prevent another doomsday plot from occurring, this advice is not under any warranty or guarantee for its accurateness. Any use of this advice in real Neopian situations may backfire and result in unintended consequences such as all coconuts turning into stone. Mr. Coconut would not be happy about that and neither would Lawyerbot.