There are ants in my Lucky Green Boots Circulation: 182,804,373 Issue: 456 | 13th day of Hiding, Y12
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How To Cook: A Guide for Pets

by preencessno


Lapandine, master chef, is here to save your taste buds. In this article, I shall teach you how to prepare some basic (yet delicious) meals for yourself, fellow Neopets. I am aware that many owners merely try to shovel you full of omelette or, worse, throw you in the Fleapit Motel... So look them in the eye, right now, and tell them: “This ceases now.”

My good for nothing owner (hereby known as good-for-nothing or dung for brains) rudely interrupts me to say that your owners may be somewhat puzzled by this, as they are too busy zoning out playing games or drooling over the latest rare item. If the item they are gazing at longingly is for you, say nothing. If, however, it is for a cutesy mongrel you happen to be on the same account with, cough and remind them how much of a pest that other pet has been lately. If the pet hasn't been a pest, which seems unlikely, frame the other pet for breaking something rare. This is not necessary for cooking, but it is good practice.

Inform your owner that you will never eat an omelette again. Or a gross food of any description. Watch them quiver in horror. Relish it for a few moments. Then announce that you will do the cooking for your owner's pets (and yourself, naturellement), and bask in your owner's adoration. Agree when they say that you are, without a doubt, the best pet to ever grace Neopia. Mention that you will need a few items to get started. They will agree.

Items you will need:

1) Cook books. As many as possible. A limited repertoire is boring and you are not boring. Unless you are, in which case, please stop reading. I do not wish to associate with you. There are a great many cook books. Some are cheap - Cybunny Cookie Making and Geraptiku Recipe, for example, are both under 1000 NP. Some are not cheap, and are therefore better. Refuse to speak to your owner until they buy you Secret Recipes of Mystery Island, which will set your owner back quite a bit.

Oh. Another interruption. This time from Asterna, the goody no shoes. She says that cooking comes from the heart, not from expensive books. Ignore her unless you're made of Chocolate, Biscuit or Jelly.

2)A kitchen. For this, you will need a Neohome. If your owner has not yet invested in one, make your petpet bite them. Coolly remind them that Neohomes V2 are free and there is no excuse for leaving you out to catch diseases. It is possible to cook outdoors on a Fire Pit with a Spit, but it is also possible to have a Pile of Soot as a petpet. Possible, but not adequate for the best. You will ask for a Cauldron, Chimney, Pot Bellied Scorchio Stove or Portable Steam Furnace to cook in. Do not forget other kitchen necessities – you want tables to work on, drawers for kitchen accoutrements, perhaps a painting or two to keep you inspired.

3) A present of your choosing as a reward for helping your owner out in this manner. You are doing your owner a favour – you are practically looking after their pets for them. You could even recreate a Gourmet Food – which could lead to a trophy. Pick a little something or a large something you want. You've earned it.

You are now ready to cook. Though this should not be necessary, if you got your cook books, I shall still give you a recipe of my own. Yes, I really am that generous.

Lapandine's Recipe for Cheesy Sloth Cake

Be informed at short notice that good-for-nothing owner is having a certain evil megalomaniac over for dinner this evening, but good-for-nothing owner forgot to get any pizza. Inform good-for-nothing owner that she has dung for brains and that you do not wish to be annihilated. Good-for-nothing owner will challenge your cooking skills. Inform good-for-nothing that your cooking abilities are out of this world – which is precisely how a particular black cloak clad person likes them.

Take a packet of Semolina. Mix well with some water. Inform your dung-for-brains owner that she is a fool. Grit your teeth as you are told that a certain Professor Lazy will be arriving soon. Grate cheese and add to mixture. Panic wildly as you hear a knock at the door – only to discover its merely a minion and therefore of no importance. Calmly scream at the minion that they are worthless and enquire as to whether they brought a gift.

Turn your nose up at their worthless gift, fresh from a Neocola machine. If it is a Lint-Covered Peanut, stomp on it. Then order the most spineless pet in the room to clean it up – probably using a Sponge Grundo Sponge from another of these visits.

Open a Tin of Olives. Dice the olives finely and add to mixture. Crush some Brogle Berries (wear an apron for this!) and pour the juice in with the other ingredients. Mix well – very well. Your life is at stake! Throw it in the oven for as long as it takes to get to 100,000 points in Spellseeker – not that you have time to play Spellseeker. You have to create a famous baddie out of clay and paint it prior to his arrival. That is, unless you have experienced panics like this before and have started keeping a large, frequently replenished supply of Wind Up Dr. Sloth toys in the kitchen.

Rue the day you were born. Stop. You are not at fault. Rue the day your owner was born.

Take the cake out of the oven. It should have a lovely, squishy surface that will ooze cheesy goodness once cut. Place the clay figure or plastic toy on the cake. Turn around and see Mr Inertia towering over you. Genuflect (or bow if your vocabulary is not sufficient for that) before your leader.


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