Neopia's Fill-in-the-blank News Source Circulation: 190,868,778 Issue: 448 | 18th day of Relaxing, Y12
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

48 Ways to Use a Gnome

by angiebeaudion


Gnomes. How much do we really know about them? What are they? What do you do with one? Are they simply ceramic or wooden pieces of art, meant to sit on your lawn and guard your roses? Or are they more....?

This article, and its writer, are out to find out!

Last week I decided to review a good hundred different pets and their owners, trying to get people's opinions on how they use their gnomes. I woke my Christmas Kougra at sunrise (which made him quite angry...), and both of us spent the rest of the day around the Neopia Central getting opinions. When we could, that is. Some pets and owners charged right past us, dragging their petpets in tow. To those that did, this worded glare is for you!

*Ahem*. Anyway, here is the list we took all day to comply...

48 Ways to use a Gnome:

The first place I went was to the Chocolate Factory. With pets happily munching on their chocolate bars and candies, I proposed the question, and received some pretty odd answers...

1. You could make an army of gnomes.

2. You could use one as a hat! It would be all the rage, dahling.

3. Put a bunch of garden gnomes together and use them as a ladder... somehow.

4. Use them to take over Neopia! Muahahahahaha!

5. Use them as spies... No one would suspect a Garden Gnome for a super spy!

6. Turn them into swords! Ouch, watch out for their pointy hats....

7. Build a wall of pure Gnomes.

8. Build a fort! Their hats will protect you!

9. Turn them into chocolate and eat them....

10. Use them to catch the meepits....

Okay, after this last one, my Christmas Kougra was exasperated and walked an aisle or two away, muttering something about not knowing me. Shrugging, I bid good riddance to his negative attitude and continued on towards the Smoothie shop....

11. Turn them into firewood or chalk.

12. Freeze them and cook them later.

13. Summon Dr. Sloth, their leader.

14. Use them for mind control.

15. Steal their goatees!

Suddenly seeing my Tommy’s reasoning for abandoning me, I bid goodbye to my ‘sane’ interviewees, and inched my way over to the next shop on my list, the Fine Furniture store. Upon my entrance, the bored looking Eyrie behind the desk glanced up, suddenly happy, and started chattering about his fine quality furniture. While nodding and tuning him out, I cornered a group of teenage neopets giggling mischievously. There, I asked my question...

16. Polish them until they shine.

17. Practice your graffiti skills on each one’s face. (Here the teenage pet giggled, while conveniently standing in front of a wooden desk...)

18. Spray paint them purple and green.

19. Use them as seats, as long as they are on their sides.

20. Stare at them, dude. Just stare.

Nodding appreciatively (and fearfully) I backed away, reporting #17 on my way out. I headed over to the Defense Magic shop, certain I would get better results there. I walked into the shop, briefly greeting the Aisha behind the counter, and quickly zoned in on my first victim –ah- interviewee.

21. Use them as practice dummies for the Battledome.

22. Practice your kicking on them.

23. Use them as shields.

24. Throw them at the enemy.

25. Eat them.

Confused as to why EVERY shop I went to included the option to EAT the un-edible object... I was about to leave when the Aisha shopkeeper stopped me and said,

26. You could turn them into a cloak, one for defense...

I smiled a fake smile, and thanked her for the odd idea. It was no stranger than the others. When I stepped outside, two things greeted me. The sun, a headache and (well, three) my pet Tommy.

“Tommy! You're back!” I shouted, running to embrace him.

“Mo-om!” He struggled, backing out of my hug. I noticed a chocolate smudge on his mouth and wiped it off. “Mom!”

“Sorry, honey,” I apologized, and to make up for it I asked him where we should go next.

His eyes lit up mischievously for a moment before he grinned as he said, “Usuki Land.”

I smacked my forehead. I should have known he would pick something to torture me as I had him.

Nonetheless, off I went. The moment I walked in the clad-in-pink store, I was assaulted by a chipper sounding shopkeeper (who was hugging her giant, personal collection of Usukis, by the way) who greeted me. I waved my hand back at her, and hurried to the farthest corner possible, choosing children to interview this time...

27. Hug them and name one Sally, one George, one Barbara, one Annie.... Etc...

28. Become best friends with them all!

29. Take off their hats and wear them...

30. Put pretty make up and clothes on them!

31. Eat them.

At my exclamation of, “Eat them?!” all the young neopets scattered, crying to their mommies about a scary lady and her mean pet. I decided it was time to leave. Upon reaching the outdoors, I realized the sunset was only an hour away, and I had promised my other pets I would bring home dinner from Hubert’s Hot Dogs tonight...

“Where next, boss?” Tommy said, interrupting my thoughts.

“I don’t know...” I replied, walking aimlessly around Neopia Central.

After around ten minutes, I realised I had entered the market place and was next to the Soup Kitchen. I glanced at Tommy, who shrugged in resignation, and we walked in. Or, we tried. Instead we just stood outside, interviewing the line of pets ready for a bowl of soup. Here are some of the things they said...

32. Use them to guard the cookies!

33. Make the gnomes grant wishes...

34. Sell it for money, give me the money, I’m broke.

35. Help all the creatures of the world somehow with gnomes. (This was from the faerie herself, of course.)

36. I like gnomes. I love gnomes. GIVE ME A GNOME.

With that, I ran.

Twenty minutes later, the sky slightly darker, I headed toward another destination, all the way to the tree of money or – the Money Tree.

There I asked people, in between donation grabbing, for their ideas. Tommy left me to go pick up what he could. Greedy little pet....

37. I’d grow money on a gnome. It’s possible, you know, my uncle did it...

38. Talk to the gnome. It’s lonely.

39. EAT THE GNOME. (*sigh*)

40. Give the gnomes to the poor, pitiful pets who have to come to the Money Tree for help.

41. Well, I would- OH LOOK, NEOPOINTS!

Sighing yet again, and calling for Tommy, we headed off to a random location.

“Wherever our feet take us, I guess, Tommy,” I mumbled, noting the ever setting sun. We would have to leave soon...

Before long we ran into (literally!) the food shop. Tommy started to walk in, but I stopped, him, saying, “You know what they will say...”

A light went on in his head. “Oh.”

So we decided to stop by the Art Centre. There were tons of pets there, even as the night set in, and we had no difficulty walking straight up to pets and asking them questions. They were all eager to get their opinions heard...

42. I would create an entire statue of Fyora out of Garden Gnomes.

43. Crush them for paint.

44. Use them as chisels.

45. Paint them, duh.

46. Write a story about them!

47. Eat them.

At the last one, I exploded, “WHY does everyone want to EAT Gnomes?!” and stormed out.

When I stepped outside, it was already dark. I was tired and my feet hurt, and I said as much to Tommy.

“Let’s go home , Tom Tom,” I cooed, taking him by the paw as if he were little again. He rolled his eyes and fell a pace behind me, letting go of my hand. I ignored the gesture and we continued home. Walking for ten minutes without saying a word finally got to me, and I blurted out, “Tommy, what would you do with a Garden Gnome?”

He smiled. “What would anyone do besides (48.) put them in a garden?”


So that was how my interview day went. I promise not a pet besides my own thought of the obvious... Oh well. I am surprised you read thus far, though I hope I gave you some great ideas on how to use your (otherwise) one use Garden Gnomes. :D

As I sit here eating my Hubert's Hot Dogs, I realise that not all of the above mentioned ideas are probably that safe... But most of them are... Surely you could try any one of those and be fine.

Though... I wouldn’t recommend eating a gnome... They don’t care for that too much...

Author’s Note: Thanks for reading, and thanks TNT if this gets in! I would like to thank my family and friend 'A' for giving me random ideas for this. =D

Search the Neopian Times

Great stories!


The Legend of the Angry Kiko
What's up with that?

Idea by axe_raider

by joel_hudson


Pound "Maintenance"
The real reason why the pound was down for "maintenance" in years nine and ten...

by pixiedust1110


Age Restrictions
That's one way to get people more active on their side accounts.

by greenflavouredink


The Truth About Meepits: Part Two
Bear and her sisters are lost in the woods. Something is lurking near... what is it? Their greatest fear? Or their imagination?

by puppy_girl252

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.