Caution: Quills may be sharp Circulation: 180,042,246 Issue: 446 | 4th day of Relaxing, Y12
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How I Got Banned From Kelp

by preencessno


You've gotta help me! The Defenders of Neopia are after me! We're innocent, I tell you! Innocent! And I can't possibly fight those superheroes! I'm too poor to have my pet trained! We don't even have a cool looking cape for defence!

     ...okay, okay, so I could, in theory, have trained my pet if I hadn't invested in a few scratchcards. And Test Your Strength. And Poogle Racing. Fine, fine, and Turdle Racing. And Buried Treasure. Oh, yeah, and the Lever of Doom! I'm sure it'll pay us back soon... And the Cork Gun Gallery! We're sure to win big there soon, I mean, the carnie told us it was totally not rigged and she's sure we'll win next time. And yes, I admit that we do buy 20 lottery tickets a day, but that's a small price to pay for certain riches when we win – which could happen!

     I do not have a gambling problem! But you sure do have an accusing problem! You're wasting valuable time - will you help us or not? Pretty please, we will be your best friends... Oh, and I know how to sneak past the Snowager every time! I'll tell you the secret if you help us!

     Did we do it? Of course not. We are totally innocent. You should know that. Look at this face and tell me it's not innocent. What? I do not look shifty! How dare you! But fine, look at Laireen. She's a baby. Would a baby ever do anything wrong? Exactly. So why are those do-gooders after us? Weeeeell...

     It started off as a totally non-havoc causing trip to Kelp, necessitated by a certain, uh, trouble in the kitchen at my Neohome. I don't have a kitchen, you say? Well, no, not anymore. Don't put fire spits indoors, kids. Or surround them with easily flammable objects, like chairs and mountains of Christmas crackers. And Sandcastle Dynamite. Oh, how were we to know it was a bad idea? Common sense? Pah!

     Anyhoo, my pet Laireen was hungry. But she was sick of jelly and omelettes. So I took her to Kelp, as any caring pet owner would. Right? Well, sure, we could have gone somewhere else, I guess, but I felt Laireen needed a treat after the shock of seeing the kitchen explode around her. It's not every day you almost get concussed after the kitchen sink narrowly flies past your face. After trauma like that, Pizzaroo just doesn't cut it anymore. Hmm? How could we afford Kelp if I can't afford a few codestones? Uh... we'll get to that. Oh, don't look so suspicious. We're innocent, I tell you! ...kinda.

     So after we snuck in under a fake name – look, they just asked what the reservation was under, they didn't ask what our names actually were, and if they really believed we were called the Wealth Faerie and Her Royal Babyness, then that is their own stupid fault – anyway, we sat down and tucked in. Man, the food there is amazing. Have you ever had it? No? You need to try it, seriously. Laireen started off with the Ocean Delight Salad and I stuffed my face with the Maraquan Cream Broth – sooooo creamy and delicious, then we moved on to the main course – Stramberry Sausages and an Ocean Platter – and then the desserts, two Honeyed Horns of Plenty – rounded off nicely with some Lemwart Fizz. Mmmmm.

     I admit we got a few snooty looks when we were eating. Some diners just don't appreciate free, improvised comedy. And really, coming into a fancy restaurant dressed like that is practically an invitation for insults. Perhaps we were a little boisterous, perhaps some don't see the fun in games like “who can knock the most hats off people's heads with bread rolls”...but I digress. That's not why we got banned. Probably.

     It was just when we were relaxing, our bellies full to bursting point, that the unpleasantness began. The waitress came over, not smiling and friendly as usual, but looking worried and fidgeting slightly. It was also apparent that other members of staff were watching us closely. Terrible service, Kelp. They can really make you feel like a criminal.

     “There's been a problem with your payment,” she began. Laireen and I looked at each other in alarm, both of us knowing precisely what the problem was. See, we had paid with... well... bags of broken neopoints.

     Look, if you're going to keep gasping in horror like that I'll have to stop telling the story. It's very distracting. Oh, what did we do next? Promise you'll try not to look so horrified? Okay, I'll continue.

     We ran, of course. And, in the course of running, we might have, uh, knocked a few things over. Nothing big, you know. Except a couple of tables that we pushed over as a barrier to keep the staff from catching us. And maybe a few dozen plates were smashed. There was a distinct tinkling of broken glass, too. I guess a few decorations got knocked over, but really, if you keep rarity 99 items lying around a public place, well, you deserve what you get. Which is inevitably broken items.

     I told you to stop gasping like that! We are not criminals! Honestly, you're so judgemental. Just because you don't have the brains to think of our plan or the nerve to follow through with it...

     Sure, we thought we'd get away with it. Well, how were we to know that they'd check on the money? What kind of place treats its customers with such suspicion? We won't be going back there anytime soon. And not just because we've heard they've put up signs saying we're banned now, but because they lack trust. They lack trust so much, they took photos of us before notifying us of the slight problem with our payment, so they could put them on the wanted posters they've splashed all over Maraqua.

     Yeah, wanted posters! Of us! Can you believe it? What is the point of creating fake identities and obtaining alibis if they're going to make wanted posters? I might have to give Laireen a Lenny Transmogrification Potion to throw them off the scent – oh, don't look so shocked, Laireen, it's better than paying the bill, if someone had been a little luckier with the dice we wouldn't be in this predicament – what? The wanted posters?

     Yeah, there's a reward. I hardly think amusing our fellow customers, not quite managing to pay the bill and accidentally breaking a couple of things merits any of this, do you? It's not as if we'd rigged the Wheel of Excitement again. Oh, that's easy, you just distract the faeries with something gross – tricking them into eating Tempura-Fried Worms worked reeeeally well- whilst your pet stops the wheel at an opportune moment – oh, the reward?

     No, I don't know how much. Laireen, do you know? No, we're not sure. There were quite a few zeros on the page, though. Yes, more than three. A rough estimate? Uh... five, maybe? Wait, whoa, put that net down! I thought you were going to help, you traitor! Laireen, RUN!

The End

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