Still thwarting Sloth's mind control... Circulation: 179,094,997 Issue: 438 | 9th day of Eating, Y12
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

The Big Red Button: Sloth's Latest Takeover

by jockylocky


Once upon a time, in a land called Neopia, there was a place where a cute lovable green monster lived. He loved to dance with the flowers and to pretend he could fly in the wind. His name? Slo-



     "Writer, what are you doing? This is a story of EVIL! We don't have cute, sappy beginnings that talk about flowers! Start over, will you?"

     ...Fine. Have it your way, Sloth. Starting over.

The Big Red Button: Sloth's Latest Takeover

"Order!" Sloth yelled, banging his green fist on the wooden table. "Order!"

     The talking, muttering and chatter of the villains of Neopia slowly softened as they looked to the front of the cave.

     "Ahem, thank you, ladies and germs. I welcome you to my lair, here in the Haunted Woods! It's time for another Annual General Meeting, also known as the AGM, to discuss the fate of Neopia and how to overcome it!"

     "Wait wait wait," cackled Morguss. "Why are we having another one of these stupid meetings? We have them so often and they never work out. You said this was important, Sloth!"

     "Because," Sloth started, "the writer of this story felt that there should be another one. No matter how cliche it may be."

     "Dumb writers, always putting us through torture!" Masila muttered, then pointed at Sloth. "As if making us look at Sloth's pink polka dotted boxers wasn't bad enough!"

     "They were on sale, Masila!" Sloth snapped as he swiftly raised his pants.

     "Pretty soon these writers will turn us into pink flowers and hide us for hundreds of years!" said Jhudora angrily.

     "Hush, hush," the Shadow Usul said.

     "So, before we begin, we should read out the minutes of our last meeting. Giant Meepit of Peace Not Doom, will you please come up?"

     Giant Meepit got up from his over sized chair and headed onto the stage.

     "That was a pretty good prank we pulled there!" the Pant Devil exclaimed, pointing to Giant Meepit. "Changing the entire layout of Neopets! Man, some people are still mad at us."

     Sloth laughed. "Yes yes, our finest moment. And we have Giant Meepit to thank! Without him, everyone wouldn't have been distracted thinking that a Meepit plot was on the rise. Haha!"

     The entire crowd laughed with him, reflecting on that time just over two years ago.

     "And," said Giant Meepit, "here are the minutes:

     5th Day of Swimming, Year 10.

     11:21-11:30: Sloth tries to quiet everyone down.

     11:31-11:34: Sloth explains why we're having another AGM.

     11:35-11:50: Debate about where the next AGM will take place.

     11:51-11:55: Sloth states his new master plan.

     11:56-Midnight: Everyone hates Sloth's master plan.

     Midnight-2:00: Writer writes a big mistake, causes the AGM to be delayed by 2 hours.

     2:00-2:30: Execution of the master plan.

     2:31: Master plan fails.

     2:32-2:33: Everyone leaves to the after-AGM dessert bar.

     2:34: Everyone realizes that the Pant Devil stole all of the desserts at 2:15.

     2:35-2:40: Mass chase against the Pant Devil. Use of fire, poison, and other powers that are forbidden indoors.

     2:41-4:00: Razul mistakenly throws a fireball at a curtain; uncontrollable fire begins.

     4:01: Balthazar's lair is burned to the ground.

     6th Day of Swimming, Year 10

     Noon: The Neopian Times publishes the destruction of Balthazar's lair. Everyone in Neopia then knows about the atrocity.

     12:01-Unknown date: Full public humiliation.

     That is all."

     The room was silent as Giant Meepit sat back down in his chair.

     "You all owe me another lair," Balthazar said. "I'm still waiting for another one!"

     "Hush, Balthy," Morguss said bitterly. "You're just full of petty miseries, aren't you?"

     "Well, maybe I should stick you in a bottle! Bottled Morguss! I wonder how many people will pay for that, huh?" Balthazar roared.

     "If it's based on the looks of the contents, I doubt you could even give the bottle away," the Shadow Usul said quietly.

     "Oh, shut up!" Morguss shouted. "Why don't you hide in the dark corner like you usually do?"

     "ORDER!" Sloth yelled, his fists banging on the table again. "Gosh, why do I go out of my way to invite you people here?"

     "That's what we're wondering!" said Jhudora. "It's a waste of my time! I should be giving out quests to work on my potion of destruction!

          "Now!" Sloth said loudly. "Our Agenda states that it is now time to discuss the next meeting place for next year's AGM."

     "Well, it's not going to be my lair," Balthazar said. "Oh, that's right, I don't have a lair!"

     Morguss rolled her eyes.

     "The meeting won't be at my place either," Jhudora said in a low tone. "Remember when we had it in my Cloud in Faerieland? Good gosh, whose bright idea was it anyway to have a collection of the worst villains in history right under Fyora's nose? We might as well had it in the Defenders of Neopia's HQ!"

     "Yeah, and Fyora did walk by the Cloud anyhow," Masila muttered.

     "Well, hey, I hid you guys well!"

     "You turned us into Mortogs!" exclaimed the Shadow Usul.

     "It was a very good cover!" Jhudora said defensively.

     "Meanwhile, Fyora gave you a hour long lecture talking about turning Neopians to Mortogs, so we were forced to stay that way for sixty whole minutes!" Masila replied.

     "Villains, please!" Sloth bellowed. "No one got hurt and it won't be at Jhudora's Cloud ever again. We have that much of an understanding. Now, who wants to volunteer their gracious hospitality?"

     The room was dead silent.

     "Shadow Usul?" Sloth asked, breaking the silence. "How about your hideout in the Catacombs of Neopia Central? It's been a while since we've paid a visit there."

     The Usul rolled her eyes. "Uh... sure. Fabulous. Can't wait for you all to come."

     "Good!" Sloth exclaimed, crossing out a line in his Romantic Notebook. (He claims he ran out of his other villainy ones, but...)

     "Now what?" Balthazar asked.

     "Now... it's time to tell you all about this year's Master Plan! Muahahahahahahaha!" Sloth laughed. "Jelly Chia? Please bring... The Item."

     The mysteriousness floated throughout the air as Jelly Chia stepped up onto the stage, holding an object in his paws that was covered by a white cloth. He gave it to Sloth, and Sloth smiled his infamous teeth shining grin.

     "Now... I present to you... this year's Master Plan!"

     As he took off the cloth, the villains stared at the item.

     "It's... a button," Balthazar said.

     "Not just a button! It's a Big Red Button!" Sloth beamed on the stage.

     "A Big Red Button," Balthazar repeated.

     "Yes! With this, we will CONTROL THE WORLD! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

     "Sloth, you built an army of ships and attacked Kreludor, you built the supercomputer V2 to take over the Space Station, you built a giant mutation ray and enslaved a bunch of Grundos, all of which has failed, and you now believe the way to control Neopia is with... a big red button," Jhudora said.

     "Yes!" Sloth replied. "That's exactly it!"

     "How can a button contain so much power?" Masila asked.

     "Because!" Sloth said with glee. "The writer of this story has given it to me! He has allowed me to control all of Neopia with a Big Red Button!"

     "It's cliche, I tell you," Balthazar said angrily.

     "Everything here is cliche!" Sloth shouted happily. "Now, I will press the Big Red Button, and instantly the world will belong to us! The villains of Neopia! Muahahahahaha!"

     The other villains looked amongst themselves, not sure what to think.

     "I will now press the button!"



     Nothing happened.

     "Dangit," Sloth muttered.

     Suddenly, the candles surrounding the room burnt out in a puff. You could almost feel clouds rolling in the above sky, even though the outer cave wall was thick. Darkness was strongly felt in the atmosphere. It was if all light had vanished from Neopia, and evil had finally won.

     "Muahahaha," Sloth laughed. "Muahahahaha! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

     The other villains laughed too, completely taken by surprise that the Big Red Button had worked. After all these years, they could finally reign Neopia! It was surely something to rejoice by all.

     The celebrations lasted, oh, about two minutes. Unexpectedly, a small pink light was seen in the center of the room. What on earth could that be? The light grew and grew, until the whole room was visible again. Every villain was mesmerized by the light.

     "F-f-fyora?" Sloth stuttered. Fyora was now standing right in front of him.

     The Faerie Queen smiled. "Hello, Sloth. I'm here to restore peace to Neopia."

     Gasps were heard across the room.

     "This can't be possible! I was supposed to reign all of Neopia! My Big Red Button! It was supposed to give me all the powers of the universe!"

     "Well, the writer of this story likes to taunt you. That's basically it. Sorry that it's anticlimactic."


     With a snap of her fingers, peace to Neopia was restored. Darkness has once again been banished, and light returned. Within all this, Sloth and his fellow villains were turned to pretty pink flowers, hidden and not to be discovered until hundreds of years later.

     Hey, a writer has to have some fun, right?

The End

Search the Neopian Times

Great stories!


The Librarian's Apprentice
"You do know what you're getting yourself into, don't you, boy?"

by inkweaver009


The Power of Card Giving
Checking by your mailbox on a random day and noticing a card just for you can really bring a smile to your face.

by jackie_3_3_3


Legend of Brightvale
"I'm proud to announce that we are opening a new game on these fields today..."

by chax1414


Daylight's Dirge: Part Three
"Say again?" Fugelce managed. "I thought I heard you say you wanted to take over Neopia."

by kittengriffin

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.