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Surviving the Season: Anti-Valentine's Gifts

by neom_777


Greetings, supporters of Sloth and minions of Kass. I don’t suppose any of you know me. No matter. In time I shall be feared throughout Neopia. This is, however, not why I am writing to you today. I have come to give a warning.

It’s that time of the year. Again. A time when all self-respecting villains hide in repulsion. A time when embarrassingly pink and overly fluffy objects are shoved onto unsuspecting criminals. A time where goody-two shoes run around screaming on a sugar-high. Yes. I’m talking about Valentine’s Day. And unless you have booked a solitary cave in advance, you will no doubt be expected (and forced) to partake in this sickening holiday by your neofamily. That means forking over all those neopoints you have stolen to fund your evil scheme in order to buy some dumb chocolate hearts for a so-called ‘neofriend’.

But do not despair, my fellow creatures of the night. There is one way guaranteed to ensure that no one disturbs you on this repulsive day ever again. No, I’m not talking about meepits (although they’re good too); I’m talking about the gifts. I can hear your screams of rage now. You thought I was going to spare you the expense? I’m not a superhero, you know. I’m not going to rescue you. So clamp down and listen. Yes, you will have to buy gifts, but who said you had to buy gifts that the receivers would like? What, that little red Shoyru with the heart arrows did? He doesn’t count! No, what you are going to buy are anti-valentine gifts. The wonderful thing about these gifts, is that they seem like presents one would give on Valentine's, but they’re much more... amusing. What, you don’t know of any anti-valentine gifts? Are you that hopeless? *sigh* Fine. Then I guess I will just have to tell you. Listed below are the 13 best (or worst, take your pick) anti-valentine gifts.

13. Ripped Valentines Chia Plushie

Looks like someone didn't love their valentines Chia plushie all that much...

Aww, look at that cute valentines chia plushie. It’s enough to make even amateur villains sick. Thankfully someone decided to rip this one to shreds. It looks so much better now, don’t you agree? And it’s sure to make some sweet little neopet cry.

12. Deflated Heart Balloon

This balloon won't be floating anymore.

Guaranteed to bring the most joyous of neopets down. No one can pin the blame on you either, as long as you claim that the balloon was in perfect condition when you bought it. Unless you want to claim credit, of course.

11. Mouldy Chocolate Heart

Uh, someone left this chocolate out a bit too long.

Another seemingly sweet gift gone wrong. Best to be given to those not-so-intelligent neopets. Tell them that the green is peppermint. If they offer you some, claim to be allergic. With a bit of luck, they’ll be ill for the rest of the week.

10. Broken Heart Flower

No one likes to receive this plant.

Nothing like a broken heart to really send neopets running on Valentine’s Day. If anyone asks, just say that you thought flowers were a common Valentine's gift. They’ll be too embarrassed to press further, even if they see through your lies.

9. Torn Homemade Valentine

Ever feel like your heart has been ripped in half?

Tell them you spent hours labouring over this gift to watch the guilt set in. In reality, you can buy a valentine and just do the tearing yourself. It’s an excellent form of stress relief. Just make sure you don’t go over the top. They still need to be able to tell what it is.

8.Bitten Heart Muffin

Who took a bite of this muffin?

Set the stage for this anti-valentine gift by letting them unwrap the muffin in its whole succulent splendour. While they are admiring it, swipe the gift and take a bite. When asked, just say you were hungry. Surely they didn’t want you to starve, did they?

7. Unvalentines Quiggle Plushie

Oh dear. It looks like this plushie needs a hug.

This quiggle plushie has the right idea, ripping a pathetic paper heart to shreds. If only it had an evil grin on its face, instead of bawling like a baby. I guess you can’t have everything.

6. Dung Heart

Ewww... that is one stinky heart.

What a delightfully disgusting fragrance. It’s amazing what horrors can be hidden in the shape of a heart. Be sure to have a nose peg handy for when this gift is unwrapped.

5. Angry Emoticon Hearts

Now you can show your dislike with candy.

Use these cheap sour candies to show your true feelings. While they’re in the stereotypical heart shape, their bitter taste and angry faces will repel any who receive them.

4. Broken Heart Shower

Ouch... those look like they hurt.

What better way to get revenge than by sending someone a raincloud that pours out black broken hearts? Sure to ruin any cheerful customisation, not to mention that being pelted with hearts is rather painful. However, in order to give this shower, you will need neocash and a gift box. I recommend using a very un-valentines gift wrap for added flair.

3. Broken Heart Pendant

This heart pendant seems to have been a bit too fragile.

Best given to clumsy neopets. With a bit of luck they’ll drop the present before unwrapping it. When they apologise for destroying the gift, either bemoan the fact that the gift was worth millions or explain the pendant was broken in the first place, and that you thought they would like it that way.

2. Poems To Rot Your Heart

Who needs good poetry when you can have this soul crushing collection of the worst sonnets in existence?

How they managed to get this printed is anyone’s guess. But that’s beside the point. Ask the receiver to read aloud to you, or offer to do so instead. Be sure to bring earplugs.

1. Sloth Valentine Air Freshener

It's Valentines... but then it's Sloth... what to do!

Ah, the great Doctor Sloth. You are an inspiration to us all. Such a perplexing gift will leave receivers cautious and fearful. Is it safe to spray? What are the effects? Will I hurt the feelings of the giver if I refuse? Did they really not see this as threatening? For the best effect, ask them to try it out as soon as they receive it. Then watch them squirm.

So there you have it. Pick any of these items and you’re sure to be excused from the holiday traditions for the rest of your life. If not, at least it will be entertaining, correct? Well, now I must leave you. My owner shall be returning soon, and I must retreat to my lair to wait out the holiday. Farewell, my fellow villains.

    ~Shadow (aka 2cool4_for_eyeshadow)

Owner’s Note: thanks for putting up with Shadow’s ramblings, and thank you to ancientsecrets for contributing ideas and listening to my random ideas.

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