A Slorgy Tale
Dedicated to my brother, who loves Slorgs.
Once upon an obscure time in an equally obscure land far away was an obscure kingdom called Slorgland.
It was originally meant to be called 'The Obscure Kingdom in an Obscure Land Far Away Ruled By Benevolent Slorgs', but it was extremely troublesome to say and write as one could imagine, so they settled for Slorgland after much debate.
The All-Mighty Slorg King, who was known as the Awesomest One, was the ruler of Slorgland, and all the Slorgs who were his subjects loved him to death. He was a bright, royal rainbow color and wielded the All-Powerful, Awe-Inspiring Staff of Slorgs, also known as APAISOS, also known in turn as the Staff of Awesome. He would often parade up and down the sunny streets of his hometown, which also happened to be Slorgland's capital, head held up high, the Staff of Awesome strapped on his back as he did so.
Of course, like all unheard of kingdoms, Slorgland was peaceful. In fact, it was so peaceful that it soon became an over-happy place, causing it to become a super-happy-peaceful place that it became a sort of asylum for the mentally insane, if an asylum for the mentally insane caused the said mentally insane to go even more insane than they already were. But that's beside the point.
The point was that something REALLY REALLY BAD was about to happen to the super-happy-peaceful-mental-asylum Slorgland. In fact, it was so bad that it required two 'really's to express its badness as well as REALLY IMPORTANT CAPS. No Slorg in Slorgland, not even the Awesomest One, was prepared for the REALLY REALLY BAD something coming to their neat little world.
It begins with three booms.
Bob the originally-named character woke up with a start as the boom echoed through his house. The green Slorg blinked at his clean ceiling, blinked at his clean floor, and blinked at his clean Mootix blubbering in its bathtub. He blinked at the window, blinked at his bed sheets, and blinked at the gigantic hole in his wall.
Another boom. This time it sounded like it was from the kitchen. Bob slid out of his bed (literally) and promptly slid over his super-clean floor and crashed into his super-clean wall without a hole. "Ouch," remarked Bob. He slowly backed up, only to crash into his bed. Bob frowned and slithered forward, only to crash into the wall once more. His floor was so super-clean and super-neat that he slid forward several feet whenever he moved. Bummer.
Bob's super-clean, super-neat, and super-frustrating house shook, shaking Bob with it. His Mootix squeaked in protest as it fell over along with its bathtub, water washing over it and the now not-so-super-clean floor. Bob, instead of crashing through the wall this time, crashed through the new hole in the wall he had been smashing into.
At that exact same moment, Bob smelled something strange.
(Many people at this point might ask how in the world can a Slorg smell something if they have no nose. The explanation to this strange phenomenon is that Slorgs actually do have noses; they're just too small and well-camouflaged to be seen by ordinary mortals.)
Bob carefully made his way out of his room, which was much easier now that there was water spilled all over the floor, and found that there was a giant box sitting in the middle of his living room, right in front of the newly-made hole in his wall. It wasn't a very pretty box. It seemed to be rotten (if boxes could be rotten), and it stank of something awful. Actually, no, it didn't stink. It reeked of something horrendously awful, if you want a more accurate description of how badly it smelled.
In his bedroom, his Mootix squealed as it feebly rolled around in the water. Bob tilted his head this way and that at the box, and then said, "Wow, a free gift." He tilted his head one way so much that it almost touched the ground. "How in Slorgland am I going to carry it, though? My arms aren't big enough..."
(The readers at this point might argue that Slorgs have no arms. The writer will point out that Slorgs actually have invisible arms that are invisible to the naked eye. If the reader wishes to continue to argue with the writer on the matter, the writer will be forced write the reader into the story and turn the said reader into a pile of dung in order to continue the story.)
Bob thought for a minute before deciding that he should open the box. Just as he stretched up to use his invisible arms to pop open the lid, though, the box suddenly jumped up on its feet and ran out the door, busting another hole in yet another wall. Bob blinked as he watched it go before deciding that he should probably run after his new gift.
Bob went and got his hat, coat, umbrella, and bottle of super glue (you always had to be prepared for anything) and rushed out the door, into the cheery streets of Slorgville. He saw that the box had left behind damp footprints on the squeaky-clean brick road and wiggled after the useful trail as fast as he could.
Meanwhile, while all this interesting and confusing stuff was happening, the Awesomest One was parading around with his Staff of Awesome. He was quite happy today, and it was shown quite well by his wide, blinding smile that his subjects happily mimicked as he passed by them. The Awesomest One sang a happy song, waggling this way back and forth, headbanging when he needed to at the parts of his happy song, as it happened to be a mix of soft rock, heavy metal, and pop music.
Suddenly the Awesomest One stopped, and he spun around to see a happy subject (they always had to be happy in his awesome presence because he happened to have what he called an 'Aura of Awesome'). The subject was a nondescript black Slorg, and he was holding a plate of freshly made, Warf-shaped (the Slorgs hated Warfs) fortune cookies.
"Good morning, Your Awesome Highness!" the black Slorg chirped. "Would you like a fortune cookie?"
"Why, yes, I would!" the Awesomest One chirped back, and took a cookie. He cracked it in half, popped one half into his mouth, and then popped the other half in after taking out the fortune. As he chewed, he read what was printed on the fortune.
"'You will lose everything you have,'" the Awesomest One read somberly.
The Slorgs all around him gasped. The black Slorg trembled. "Is that what it really says, Your Awesome Highness?!" he cried.
"No," said the Awesomest One with a laugh. "What it really says is this: 'You will get eaten by a random box.' How silly is that?"
The black Slorg laughed in relief, and the crowd soon followed him. The Awesomest One laughed the loudest and boldest, throwing his head back in a merry 'HA HA HA', which had to be written in VERY IMPORTANT CAPS in order to express his merriment.
Just then, as the fortune cookie had wisely predicted, Bob's gift bounded around the corner and promptly jumped onto the Awesomest One. Screams erupted around the crowd. The black Slorg fainted.
The box slowly got off the Awesomest One, and looked at the rainbow Slorg very, very sternly with its non-existent eyes. Then, as if suddenly deciding that all was well and good with the course of action it wanted to take, it gobbled down the Awesomest One, just as Bob skidded into the scene. "You can't do that!" Bob shouted and tackled the box.
And so began a very melodramatic wrestling match. The box bounced around angrily and so did Bob, and they bounced around each other in a very angry and mean circle before finally tackling each other once more. They ended up doing a belly-slam instead with each other and ended up on the ground. Bob blinked fast at the sky, which was now blooming into violet polka dots. The box just lay there and whined as it felt its contents trying to wiggle out.
Bob suddenly felt a swell of patriotic pride and leaped at the box again while it was down, and bit its dirty cardboard self. The box gurgled angrily and kicked Bob. Bob fell off.
Bob jumped to his Slorgy self, just in time to see the box jumping straight at him, trying to eat him. He managed to open up his umbrella in time and the box bounced off that. The box landed a few feet away from Bob before bouncing toward him again. Bob squished down close to the ground and watched it fly overhead. He got out his bottle of super glue and squeezed a big glob on the ground. He glared at the box and shouted, "Hey, your mother is a Meepit-loving, Sloth-hugging, dung-eating, Spardel-brained, Chet Flash-glomping, Weewoo-eating, and overall nasty carbon-based organism existing in the universe!"
Of course, the box was enraged at this cliche trick and charged forward, promptly becoming stuck in the gob of super glue, of course, but not before swallowing up Bob.
It was dark and damp and stinky inside the box. Bob rolled around and saw with great joy that the Awesomest One was still there, cringing sadly in a corner. "Oh yay!" Bob exclaimed. "You're all right, Your Awesome Highness!"
"I know that," the Awesomest One said miserably. "But what that does that do? We can't get out of this stupid box, anyway."
Bob fell quiet, and then suddenly he felt a strange feeling in him. It was a feeling, you see, that main characters get when the situation is really desperate, and it was this cliche and cheesy feeling that began to swell up in Bob's body, straining to burst out.
"Don't say that, Your Awesome Highness!" Bob declared. "We will get out of here!"
The Awesomest One gaped at him. Bob plunged on. "Everything will turn out all right! You know how I know that, Your Awesome Highness? It's because you're here! That must mean that the story is at its climax! We have to get out by some random miracle because the audience will demand it!"
"Ohmigosh, Subject What's-Your-Name!" the Awesomest One cried out. "That is such a brilliant display of logic that I could weep if I wasn't as awesome as I was!"
"I know," Bob sobbed. "I'm crying right now. It was so deeply touching and expected that I can't help it."
"Don't cry, Subject What's-Your-Name!" the Awesomest One said in a deep rumbling voice that inspired all those who heard it. "I will get us out, with my Staff of Awesome!"
And with that, Bob was left to watch in awe as the Awesomest One raised his Staff of Awesome, and shouted, "By the spirits of all the Slorgs in Slorgland, I command the rays of my AWESOME AURA to be unleashed!"
And the rays of awesome were indeed unleashed, and the box squealed as it felt the awesome rays pierce it. It promptly burped the two Slorgs out in an effort to save itself and scurried away, sniffling and whining in an animal-like way, like most monstrous antagonists did when they got their butts kicked.
Bob stood up straight, smiling big and smiling wide along with the Awesomest One. There was no applause from the Slorgs' invisible hands, though. There was only a silent shock and horror that settled over the crowd, prompting Bob and the Awesomest One to look at each other.
Bob suddenly knew why everyone was so quiet.
The Awesomest One was no longer a wonderful rainbow color. He was now gooey and icky, and was made out of DUNG, which was so horrible and disgusting and gross that VERY IMPORTANT CAPS needed to be put in place. Bob looked down at himself and saw that he was always a DUNG color, no longer a clean green. Gasps rose like mad, at a rate of thirty gasps per second.
Bob hung his head in shame. "I am so sorry, Your Awesome Highness!" he wailed. "I have failed you and I have turned you into an ugly, but still awesome, color!"
As he was sniffling and crying, he felt a comforting invisible hand drape over his shoulder. "It's all right, Subject What's-Your-Name," the Awesomest One said. "I can still rule, and I am still awesome. But I think it's time to move on." He turned to his people and shouted, "From this day forth, for his brave deeds, this Slorg known as Subject What's-His-Name shall take my place as the All-Mighty Slorg King, also to be known as the Awesomest One, and as the ruler of Slorgland! To seal this deal, I shall pass on the All-Powerful, Awe-Inspiring Staff of Slorgs, also known as APAISOS, also known in turn as the Staff of Awesome, to Subject What's-His-Name!"
Bob's jaw dropped as the Awesome One presented him the Staff of Awesome, and could only continue to gape. Finally he managed to swallow and stared out at the crowd, and heard them cheer. At that, Bob grinned and thrust the Staff of Awesome into the air, and declared, "My name isn't Subject What's-His-Name, it's Bob, but whatever! I'll be sure to rule Slorgland justly and fairly! I pinky-promise, Slorg-loverly promise, and I cross-my-heart and hope-to-die promise you all!"
This was met with a gigantic roar, and Bob grinned like a maniac. The former Awesomest One nodded his head sagely and wiggled away, off into the conveniently-timed sunset. Bob was carried off to the castle by a cheering crowd, and he held his dungy Slorg head up high as they went down the winding path.
Unfortunately, it seemed that the Awesomest One had made a mistake in choosing Bob as the newest ruler of Slorgland, as it was soon proven that Bob was too stinky and average to rule the kingdom, and thus it all fell apart into a distressed mess of chaos before strange creatures called Neopets finally came and took all the Slorgs to sell in strange buildings called 'Petpet Shops.' In due time, the Obscure Kingdom in an Obscure Land Far Away Ruled By Benevolent Slorgs, once known as the obscure kingdom called Slorgland, fell and was no more.
And while all this was happening, Bob's Mootix, who was still at home, had finally managed to escape the horrible trap set by the spilled water of its bathtub and was now making its way outside. It blinked at the ruined land before it, and saw other Petpetpets coming toward it, confused and frightened. "Where have all the Slorgs gone?" warbled a Blechy.
Bob's Mootix looked around him, and said, "I don't really know. I don't really know." He stepped forward toward his Petpetpet brethren and added confidently, "But I think I know what we should do."
"What is it?" the crowd of Petpetpets asked.
"We should build another kingdom out of these ashes. It's our time to rule now." Bob's Mootix paused after these profound and cheesy lines and said, "Why don't we make this another obscure kingdom with a cool name? How does the Land of Superawesome Petpetpets sound?"
At that there was a chorus of agreements, and all the Petpetpets headed down the hill, to build their new kingdom based upon truth, justice, and the right to cause itchiness for all.