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5 Steps to Dominating Neopia

by cloudpuffpuff


Three words: Bwa. Ha. Ha.

That's right, I said it! And I'll say it again! BWA HA HA!!!

Now you're all probably wondering why I'm practicing my extremely evil laughing skills right now. The answer is quite simple. I, Dr. Frank Sloth, have been successful in arranging a time to meet up with the known evil villain Lord Kass. I have a very evil plan I need to discuss with him...

What?! NO! Curses, my plans have been foiled! Lord Kass has just sent me a note in some random bottle. Apparently he's going after that young Blumaroo who whacks the plushie version of Kass for a living. Hmm. Now I need some other apprentice to learn my masterful ways of terror and evil.

Hey, how about I teach YOU? Yes, that would work perfectly! You've got a pretty boring life, and I have a supreme one. You don't have plans; I need someone who doesn't have plans. And if you are to turn against me, you don't have any power; I have all the power (or I'll soon have all the power, anyway). Excellent. You are now my apprentice. I shall call you Bob.

Well now, Bob, it's time to sharpen your skills of recognizing evil. First, practice your evil stride. That's it, now, good. Remember to have that facial expression showing confidence, a plan ahead of time, and that your opponent is as tough to fight as the Inflatable Balthazar. You'll have to work on that.

Next, young Bob, you have to be sure you've got that good cackle. Try it after me: Bwa ha haa!... That's right, hmm... try to give the "bwa" an echo effect. Keep the first "ha" short, and lengthen that second one. Perfect.

Finally, you have to learn how to create plans. This would probably be most important, though not nearly as fun as the laughing. I'll do an example for you. Just let me look through my old sock drawer and--hey, what's this? Must've made this a while ago, but I never tried it. Hmm... perhaps I shall take a look?

5 Steps to Ruling Neopia

By Dr. Frank Sloth

8th day of the Month of Swimming, Y4

1. Set up VERY large tunnel underground in the area of Meridell. Do not cover it. Prepare giant lid for tunnel to cover it with later. Not now, though. Tunnel must be of the material "strong metal" at least 4' thick. Ensure that the exit to the tunnel is completely closed up with no way out. Tunnel should be preferably going straight down, so that if you were down there it would be nearly impossible to come back up. At least 1000' deep. 10' wide.

2. Give out absolutely no Draik transmogrification potions. Or any potions for that matter. Buy up all of the transmogrification potions on the Trading Post, and look through galleries and auctions to buy the rest. Wait a couple of months, when everyone starts wondering where they are. Keep a close eye on the Trading Post to buy any that Neopians had in their safety deposit boxes until now. Time for the plan to begin, BWA ha haaaa!!!! *cackles* Erm, sorry about that...

3. Finished with preparations, time for evil plan to begin! Fly spaceship towards every land in Neopia, going to Meridell last, announcing over the ship's strongest loudspeakers a phrase along the lines of "Golly, we should probably start handing out transmogrification potions now, we haven't for MONTHS! How 'bout we set them all down in Meridell?" Wait for the Neopians all across the world to flock to Meridell, awaiting transmogrification potions. Finally, go to Meridell. At the sight of the spaceship, the crowd will roar and prepare to pounce on potions. Be sure everybody in Meridell hears about your plan, then prepare for the drop. Escort an army of strong Grundos to hide behind bushes around this area, where their duty is to wait until the transmogrification potions are brought to the ground. Pull a lever. Open a compartment releasing all transmogrification potions down... into the hole. The crowd will push and shove to get in, for who wouldn't want free transmogrification potions? Some Neopians start realizing that others aren't coming up, and the hole appears to be of extreme depth and thickness. Before they can clear the outer part of the hole, Grundos spring up. Each of the army goes to shoving fellow Neopians into the hole. Cackle evilly. This is going wonderfully! Say "Bwa ha haa" with pride.

4. Cover with the lid before anyone has the slightest chance to escape. Push down on it very hard. Give up. Have your army of Grundos sit on the lid to keep it down. Get a welding torch (don't forget your safety goggles) and weld the lid to the top. This both keeps the Neopians from having a chance of escaping, and frightens your entire army of Grundos who sit on the lid while you're putting flames onto it. Double effect, very evil and cunning.

5. Conquer Neopia.


...That's, er, one interesting piece of paper. Very interesting, very.... diabolical, yes, and evil. Maybe I should, uh, put it back now before I get tempte---

I'm SO using this plan! Woot! Yeah! I'm gonna rule Neopia, I'm gonna rule Neopia! Get out of here, Bob! Who needs ya? Shoo, before I push you out of here with a broom! Or use this awesome fruitcake launcher from the Advent Calendar! Bwa ha haa!!! To Meridell, my minions! Now! And let's put Bob in the hole first!

THIS is how you truly be evil. By the way, Bob, you didn't see my piece of paper, did you? Eh, I'll just suppose you didn't. Nothing can go wrong now! Not this time, with my care of keeping this plan secret with not a single other Neopian knowing. Most important qualities of evil. I wonder why someone so good at being evil, me, still hasn't conquered Neopia yet. *shrug* A mystery, I guess.

Yay! ^^ Second article into the Neopian Times! That must mean... I'M FAMOUS! =O

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