In the Red Corner!: An Analysis of Meepit vs. Feepit
A transcript of a historical match.
Broadcasting by National Neopian Sports Radio (NNSP).
Live from the Petpet Arena.
Analysis by sports expert Rook Nightcastle, the famous Darigan Kacheek.
Additional comments by rookie broadcaster Jimothy Jubjub.
Rook: Alright, Jimothy, we have a fight tonight! Large crowds have gathered to see two very famous fighters clash! Because, it’s the Meepit vs. Feepit Championship!!!
Jimothy: That’s right, Rook.
Rook: One is the legendary Feepit Speckled McDangerous. The other is the undefeated Meepit champion World Domination Jones!
Jimothy: That’s right, Rook!
Rook: The fight begins in the next five minutes. While we wait, let’s hear from our sponsors.
Commercial Jingle: Oh, come by the Plushie Palace! We have the best deals on all those lovable, squeezable, huggable, snugglable, fantastic toys your pet loves!
Rook: That’s right, sports fans. The Plushie Palace is sure to please, and what’s more they’re having a sale on ALL blue plushies. That’s right, all you Gallery fanatics, if you collect blue stuff, you better run as fast as you can before everything sells out! Four minutes to the fight.
Jimothy: That’s right, Rook.
Rook: Uhh, Jim, you can say something other than ‘That’s right, Rook’. I know you’re a rookie, and you’re nervous, but you’re wrecking the pre-game. So, comment on how fierce Speckled McDangerous looks tonight, or something.
Jimothy: That’s right Rook.
Rook: Say something else, Jimothy.
Jimothy: Right you are, Rook? I agree, Rook?
Rook: How about disagreeing with me?
Jimothy: Fans, I’d have to agree with Rook on that one.
Rook: You’re hopeless. Nevermind. Three minutes to the long-awaited fight. One more commercial message, fans.
Sloth: AHAHAHAHAH! Hello, puny Neopians. At this moment, I am currently planning your downfall and destruction. I might be having some Grundo slaves construct a giant ray gun, or maybe I’m in the mood to release the gates that hold thousands of vicious Meepits at bay! You think World Domination Jones is fearsome? Wait ‘till you meet someone like Fang N. Claw. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Oh, you’ll like ArmedtotheTeeth! He’s a Meepit charmer. Well, goodbye, insignificant insects! But remember, I’ll be back! [End transmission]
Rook: That didn’t sound like an ad for the Petpet Arena.
Jimothy: You’re right again, Rook.
Rook: Well, in the final minute before the fight, let’s break down the fighters!
Rook: The Meepit World Domination Jones is the defending champion, and he easily trounced the other Meepit competition, to reach tonight’s Meepit vs. Feepit Championship. The Feepit champion, who also easily beat the competition, is Speckled McDangerous and the records show he is the first promising Feepit in years!
Rook: All other challengers have forfeited at the sight of World Domination Jones! But not McDangerous! He is determined to give the Feepits a victory, this time around, and he plans to clobber Jones! I can see him from up here; he’s flashing scowls at Jones.
Jimothy: Of course it is, Rook.
Rook: And the fight will begin in half a minute! The trainers of Speckled McDangerous, (Feepits, of course) Viper Biteyu and Rolland Scowling are giving him the pep talk. World Domination Jones is having his one trainer, Bone Chilling Daniels, spar with him. And... THE BATTLE BEGINS!
Jimothy: Yes, you’re right.
Rook: Early in, McDangerous has landed a kick on Jones! Jones lunges, backside first, into a blocking McDangerous! McDangerous attempts to retaliate with a punch, but Jones is blocking! McDangerous waddles backward, trying to bait Jones! It works! Jones lunges, and... OH! McDangerous couldn’t block in time. Before McDangerous can recover, Jones goes in again! Whoa, that must’ve hurt.
Jimothy: I find it hard to disagree with that.
Rook: McDangerous is mad now! He lashes out with three kicks, two of which land! We have 80 seconds left in the battle. Jones is realizing he is facing a worthy opponent, and steps it up a notch! He blocks, playing for time. And then releases when McDangerous least expects it, delivering four hard blows.
Jimothy: Do you think so? I’d have to agree.
Rook: 67 seconds left! McDangerous explodes into a frenzy of attacks! One, two, three, four, five, six! Jones is defending in pain!
Jimothy: D’ya think Faerie Foods is open this late? I’m craving a Crazy Crisp Taco!
Rook: Mmm, you’re right, that does sound good. Is there a celebrity discount?
Jimothy: Probably! I’ll get double the discount for being so famous.
Rook: All you’ve ever done is agree with me on national radio. You’ll be famous as a loser.
Jimothy: I can announce a Meepit vs. Feepit fight just as well as you can!
Rook: 200 neopoints says you can’t!
Jimothy: Please! You’re on. Okay, so Deckled McSangerous, no, Speckled McDangerous, is doing something with his fist that seems to be causing World Levitation Jones some pain!
Rook: It’s called a “punch”. And the Meepit’s name is World Domination Jones, not Levitation.
Jimothy: That doesn’t count. Jones is angered by this “punch” phenomenon, so he attempts to respond by sitting on McDangerous! This is unheard of!
Rook: They’re both blocking and... Nevermind.
Jimothy: Wow! Look at that! The pizza vendor is selling a Megapepper Pizza for only 60 neopoints! Uhh, I mean, McDangerous, after recovering from being sat upon, springs forward and... misses! Jones sees his opening and “punches” McDangerous thrice!
Rook: Sorry about this, sports fans. I’ll understand if you never listen to NeoRadio again.
Jimothy: World Domination Jones is not giving up! I’m really hungry for a Faerie Foods taco! Oh, but McDangerous won’t give up any ground either! 53 seconds left in the fight! Or, is that a 58? Rook, is that a three or an eight on that big clock?
Rook: Uhh, Jimothy, that’s a nine.
Jimothy: Well, you know, it’s hard to read from up here.
Rook: Okay, few remaining listeners, sorry you had to endure that. We have 65 seconds left, McDangerous has taken slightly more damage than Jones, and at this point it looks like the brawl might have to go into over time!
Jimothy: I’m thirsty. Merifoods is having a sale on Illusen Day Drinks.
Rook: 59 seconds, which is just less than a minute. Both fighters are panting and resting in their corners. Not much seems to be happening, so I’ll let Jimothy talk, because the station owner says I have to let him.
Jimothy: Hey, the fighters are, like, napping. That’s a good idea!
Rook: Start talking, Jimothy, I don’t want to be fired.
Jimothy: Hah-hah! You have to let me talk!
Rook: Yeah, I just remembered, I have to let you talk for a total of one minute, so the rest of the fight is yours. I apologize, listeners. You should probably turn off the radio, or change the station.
Jimothy: Well, the fighters have worn each other down and neither one is making much of a move!
At this point a waiter comes in with refreshments.
Jimothy: Nice! I needed that! Look at the selection! I see various Neggs, some choice Pizzaroo pizzas, and some Spooky Foods! Who cares about Meepit vs. Feepit, I’m eating!
Rook: Well, I tried, Mr. Station Owner, sir, but Jimothy has the attention span of a Lupe. Anyway, with 20 seconds left, the fighters are getting ready to have at it again!
Jimothy: Whoa, this is delicious pizza! You should try some, Rook!
Rook: Right. McDangerous lands two punches, and then Jones lands one! They have almost equal damage! 12 seconds left! McDangerous has to land a blow to make the damage equal and stay in the fight! 11 seconds, 10 seconds! The crowd is counting down! Jones is blocking! McDangerous is frantic! 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3 seconds remain! 2,1! Wait! Jones came out of his block a split second too early and McDangerous landed a kick right before the clock ran out! Amazing!
Jimothy: Have you ever had a Scarblade Negg? These things are delicious!
Rook: Well, with equal damage, we’ll take a break and then go into overtime. So, that means more commercial messaging!
Commercial: Hello, this is Illusen. As most of you Neopians know, I despise Jhudora, and I love to peeve her as much as possible. In order to truly tick her off, I have started the United Haters of Jhudora, or U.H.J. Please join this organization. There will be free Illusen Cream Cookies for all members.
Rook: Well, I like to remain neutral in that feud. I don’t fancy getting on the bad side of either Faerie.
Jimothy: Hey, Rook, look! I put Neggs on the pizza! How much would the Pizzaroo pay for this?
Rook: I think... Oh, the fight’s back on! It’s a thirty second long overtime, and the first one to land four blows, or the fighter with lowest damage taken, wins. Ready? And we... BEGIN!
Jimothy: Hey, they stopped napping!
Rook: Jim, you’re chewing in my ear.
Jimothy: Sorry, but look! Wow, McDangerous is too tired to do much! He just kicked Jones, though.
Rook: Jones has already hit McDangerous twice, and McDangerous has only managed to scratch Jones once. Oh, the third hit for Jones!
Jimothy: Jones! Jones! Jones! Jones!
Rook: Jones goes in to finish it! He is poised for a punch, but McDangerous doesn’t go down without a fight! He kicks Jones in the backside!
Jimothy: Hey, can I try that move on you?
Rook: Not if you like your teeth in your mouth. Jones is in position to win, right now. He jumps, and kicks, and... THAT”S THE END FOR MCDANGEROUS! Jones won! Jones won!
Jimothy: Called it! You owe me 500 neopoints?
Rook: What? Well, anyway, World Domination Jones takes his third title in a row! McDangerous is crushed! But he’ll be back next year! Jones is jumping and punching the air! Meepits are on their feet, and the Feepits are slouching home. There are the two Meepit vs. Feepit officials who are supposed to give Jones the Champion’s Belt and a shiny trophy.
Jimothy: Cool trophy! It’s solid gold!
Rook: Well, it’s goodnight for us, sports fans. But stick around for the post game! We have an interview with both McDangerous and Jones!
Jimothy: Goodbye, adoring fans! Don’t forget, I invented Negg Pizza!
Rook: I’ll be back next season, hopefully without Jimothy. If the producers partner me with him, I quit.
Jimothy: Hey Rook, maybe we’ll be partners again next year!
Rook: Here’s hoping not. This is Rook Nightcastle...
Jimothy: And Jimothy Jubjub...
Rook: ... Signing off.
While the “story” of the fight was well highlighted by Rook, and not so much by Jimothy, it doesn’t end there. I, as the station owner’s assistant, was instructed to tie up a few loose ends. Here they are:
-Jimothy’s invention, Negg Pizza, was accepted by Pizzaroo in a multi-million neopoints deal.
-Jimothy never paid Rook the 200 neopoints every citizen of Neopia felt Rook had won.
-McDangerous did, indeed, return the next year to defeat World Domination Jones. Rook was the broadcaster for the fight. He was not partnered with Jimothy.
-The United Haters of Jhudora all strangely were either turned into Bartamus petpet or had Dark Shroom grow out of their foreheads.
-Jimothy Jubjub was, in fact, ridiculed for a long time after his poor broadcasting for really not being that good.
-Rook Nightcastle remained famous, and he was the broadcaster for a total of six Meepit vs. Feepit championships, analyzed Make Some Noise and Slushie Slinger, and he coached several Hasees for Hasee Bounce, and even once met AAA.
-Sloth has not, as of yet, taken over Neopia. BUT HE WILL! HE WILL!