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Socks: Warm, Edible, of Doom

by danceswithpampers


Also written by windatmyback

How many of you have feet? Yes, yes, that’s what we thought – most of you have feet... some of you have more than others. It is true that most individuals have feet; however, that is not to say that we all have feet. Some of us have fins. Others peg legs, and personally, we’re a little jealous of that. But regardless of whether you have feet, everyone has seen a pair of socks.

We all know what socks look like and what they are used for, but what you might not know is the many ways a sock can be used, the many colors they come in, and the variety of flavors that are available for sampling. Yes, that’s right – we said flavors. Don’t look so surprised; socks are quite delicious when prepared properly. By the time you’ve finished reading this article, believe us, you’ll want to run out to the nearest clothing boutique or bakery as soon as possible.

1. Dr Sloth Sock:

Who doesn’t love warm, woolen material? Who doesn’t love Dr. Sloth? ... Okay, don’t answer that one, but anyone who loves warm, fuzzy fabric and keeping their little toesie woesies warm in cold weather will definitely love this stylish, though comfortable article of clothing. On a frigid winter evening, when it’s particularly cold outside, this sock will do the trick! Its three hundred count woolen interior, in combination with its stylish Sloth-inspire exterior will leave you warm and feeling fabulous. Plus, as a special bonus, when you get tired of wearing this sock (or if you never want to wear it in the first place), it makes a fantastic dust-rag. Who wouldn’t want to clean a dusty table with Sloth’s face, right?! Right!

2. Red Pirate Socks:

A pirate’s life for me! Even the fiercest pirates need to keep their feet warm... with the exception of the fierce pirates who no longer have feet intact – we feel for you, by the way. This scarlet sock, embroidered with a white pirate cross bones logo, is durable, yet cozy; because hey, no matter who you are, everyone likes cozy things from time to time. Luckily, no one has to know that you like comfy, because these socks look unwelcoming, fierce, and anything but what they really are: delightfully warm. With a terrifying pirate encrusted on the side, these socks are not for the dainty. So, if you’re looking for a fuzzy pink sock that smells like perfumed shame and is covered in pretty, little bows, you probably won’t be interested in this pair.

3. Edible Orange Socks:

Oh yes. We told you socks were edible, but you didn’t believe us. Before we proceed to grace you with a fantastic, vivid description of these incredibly unique socks, we want to gloat for a moment. HE HE HE. Now, we realize that edible socks are not exactly run-of-the-mill, but that doesn’t mean that they taste bad. So, before you turn your noses (or snouts, if you’re of the Snorkle family, in which case we welcome and commend you on your incredibly elevated level of reading ability) up at this divine dish, perhaps you should listen to its description. Sweet, juicy oranges and deliciously thick, creamy white chocolate – sounds like a pretty decent combination, doesn’t it? Yeah, and you were contemplating throwing these delicious little socks in the garbage bin. Sometimes, being open to new culinary concoctions really isn’t so bad. :P

4. Magic Smelly Socks:

There’s just no way around it: some socks smell downright putrid. In this particular case, though, the smell is a small price to pay for what these magical little foot-sweaters do. Here’s the scenario: You’re beloved Neopet has very bloated feet. Poor thing, but you did tell him not to eat all of the jelly. Everyone knows it bypasses your hips and goes straight to the feet. Regardless, his little feet are undeniably bloated, and of course, you’re a good owner – you don’t want his feet to ache. You try everything to help his poor feet, but only one thing will get rid of that dreaded swelling. Yep, you guessed it: Magical Smelly Socks! Sure, these socks reek. We’re not going to sugar coat it; the smell alone is enough to make you want to keel over, but they cure one of the most dreaded Neopian diseases – so they’re worthy of a spot in this article. Not to mention, they ward off unwanted visitors. Score!

5. Wing Sock:

Hey, we know not everyone has feet. Like we said before, some of us have fins, some peg legs, and others wings. Those with the latter, rejoice! The Wing Sock was designed with you in mind! This delightfully light and airy sock does more than keep your wings warm and stylish. It actually polishes your wings, while you wear it. Talk about convenience! The only downfall to this sock is that it doesn’t come in a variety of colors, but fortunately, its present color scheme is flattering to almost everyone with wings. Pure white, perfectly accented with emerald green trim, the Wing Sock is convenient, comfortable, and cool. (Yes, we thought three ‘C’ words in a row would be fun.) Winged Neopians everywhere will look and feel fabulous in their new Wing Sock, designed especially for them.

6. Woolen Socks Knitting Set:

Sure, they’re not actually socks yet, but when you’re finished, they will be! (That is, of course, assuming that you have more patience than we had and actually finish knitting them.) Complete with a step by step booklet that tells you exactly how to knit your own pair of nifty cobalt blue socks, the Woolen Socks Knitting Set is the perfect gift for someone with an abundance of patience and a love for all things warm and fuzzy. Despite the fact that it takes a really, really, needlessly long time to finish, the Woolen Socks Knitting Set is surprisingly fun and easy to use. After countless hours of knitting, you’ll have your very own pair of woolen socks. Wahoo!

7. Toxic Sock of Doom:

Some of you may be wondering, “Hey, why would anyone in their right mind end a list of interesting and fantastic socks with something called a Toxic Sock of Doom.” Well, we’ve got a unique sense of humor, and this sock is definitely interesting, not to mention gross, which we think adds to its charm. With its gaseous, intoxicating fumes, the Toxic Sock of Doom is certainly one for the books. No one is entirely sure where it came from, but the fact that it is possibly one of the most repulsive items in Neopia is indisputable. You won’t want to wear it, and you certainly won’t want to give them to your friend; but it's toxic and of doom, and who doesn’t love things that are toxic... and of doom. Anyway, this sock rocks. That’s really the only way to describe this sock: Awesome.

So, socks. They’re useful, they’re warm, they give off strange, though sometimes appealing odors, and are, occasionally, of doom. At the end of the day, that’s really all that matters. So, whether you have feet or you just really like warm articles of clothing, socks are awesome. Enough said.

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