A Yurble stole my cinnamon roll! Circulation: 175,202,438 Issue: 368 | 14th day of Storing, Y10
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The Demons of Dynasty

by books86


From the paws of King Altador:

Fellow Neopians, I, King Altador, face a terrible inner demon. Through the years of watching my city remain in complete disarray due to incompetence and nostalgia, I have grown weary of rewarding those who helped in waking it from its protected state. Now that the city's memories have been restored, you have all abandoned Altador, assuming I would clean up the mess. But still you all greedily return to collect a prize no longer deserved! Have you ever thought of how much of my kingdom's funds go into giving junk away? Our economy is in a funk because our manufacturers are basically working for nothing! All because of you! How rude! But I didn't write to the Neopian Times to discuss you ungrateful chowder-heads; I was talking about an inner demon or some stuff like that and wished to mention my opinion on Neopia Central's new Petpet Park:


From the moment I saw powdery-blue-fluffy-cloud-print-and-rosy-cheeks Weltrude, I knew something was really off about her. I swear! The very instant I read about her in the paper, I turned to Jerdana and said, “This Wertlude-lady is too sickly sweet. She's hiding something big, mark my royal words!” And behold! In all my kingly wisdom, I was right! Her Petpet Protection League is much more than just a kindly little group of volunteers who bake cookies and wear awful clothing. Underneath all that sunshine and lollipop nonsense, they're really a technologically-advanced organization of highly-trained covert operatives. Where's the fairness in that?! I'm a king of a freaking city living without a single fast-food restaurant or wheelchair-accessible building, and then there's the PPL, off saving petpets that are more unfit and shapeless than the laziest Yooyu with gizmos and pocket-sized thingamajiggers that open portals to other dimensions. Can't we have some sort of happy-medium of technology? They have nice things. WHY CAN'T I HAVE NICE THINGS?! Let's spread the peanut-butter evenly on the toast, for Fyora's sake!

As a leader, I have to give Warlorde or whoever she is credit for actually being able to find half-decent employees. Not only can she afford to send neopets on dangerous and life-endangering missions in the name of radical petpet protection, she can do it on donation funding. Did that resistance group that's protecting the Space Station from Doctor Sloth decide to sell some of its weapons to the PPL? You know, those dangerous laser-pistols that were useless because they couldn't hit the wall they were pointed at? Yeah. Them. I swear I saw that Mick guy with one of them. What I want to know is: where can I buy such things/neopets? I need beings in my employ whom I can trust to perish for unreasonable and obscure reasons and I require the laser pistols to fire repeatedly into a pool of water until it makes a hot-tub. Then I could finally invite King Skarl and Hagan over and not be embarrassed by having a cold jacuzzi.

And to dear Wertylude:

To be honest, Wartlude, I didn't care for your treatment of that Yurius fellow. Anyone who fires an employee over using a pen has major issues. “Rules are rules” is a pretty petty excuse, but I'll keep my doorstep clean and not bother to tell you that yours is not... okay maybe just a little telling; You made him go completely insane! COMPLETELY! Because of a pen! With all that technology floating around, couldn't you invent some type of communication machine that allowed you to write and store documents? Or how about encouraging the use of a typewriter? Even Altador has those. Our daily raids on Neovia come in handy for having some not-so-modern conveniences. Maybe you don't like typewriters, though. Or pens. The PPL seems to like emphasizing pencils. Lead pencils. I think deep down inside the Petpet Protection League discriminates against non-pencils! Well, let me tell you, Miss Weltrude: PENS HAVE FEELINGS, TOO!

Some stuff your agents did was pretty stoic though, I'll give you that. When I heard the Gelert-girl jammed the toothpick in “the mechanism”, aka Jerald's eye, I laughed for hours until I finally passed out and Jerdana sent me to the psychiatrist for a week. What? It was funny! That guy owed me thirty-thousand neopoints! Let's not forget that in the end, the agents made the right choice by saving Yurius' precious life. For all lives are precious and who are we to judge those not worthy of Neopia?

The problem is we assumed you did away with Yurius. The PPL can't punish him, else they become administrators of justice, taking the job away from the Defenders of Neopia Superhero Squad or whatever they're called. And the Defenders of Neopia can't punish him because there are no rules that he has broken. I've never seen any international Neopian laws that say, “Any neopet found trapping themselves and others in a strange mechanism filling with water for the purpose of revenge against a previous employer will be sentenced to six months of writing with a lead pencil.” No such law exists, nor shall it ever. Maraqua could probably punish Yurius for endangerment of the wildlife, but it sounds like the PPL does a good enough job of that on their own. Taking the petpets out of their natural habitat? Before they even arrive? You neopets aren't a protection agency; you're poachers! Poachers, poachers, poachers! J'accuse!

Don't let me point the accusing finger, though. I'm just a humble king who named an entire empire after himself. Let me ask this, though: through all your adventuring, planning, plotting, dancing and “protecting”, did you ever once ask the petpets if they wanted to be saved?

Did your agents ever ask, “Hello little petpet! Would you like to be taken from your natural habitat, placed in a shop and separated from your family forever?” I bet the petpet would answer with a resounding, “Yes! In the name of all that's heavenly, thank you! I can't take another MINUTE of frolic and freedom, nor do I care much for my family. Please, take me to this store and let me be bought like a commercial item! Wheeeee!”

There. That's my demon. That's also why Yooyus are so hard to come by. They join us by choice and not by the store-shelves. You neopets at the PPL have a screw loose and a bunch of nuts in your crumbling cookie! Which is bad because I'm allergic to nuts. How dare you have nuts! Are you trying to poison the great King Altador? I'll tell the Defenders of Neopia! I swear I'll tattle!

In conclusion,

1. To my fellow Neopians: Get a new kingdom to swipe free stuff from, half-wits!

2. To Yurius: We have an opening as a custodian if you need a job. Our old one is too slow cleaning and we will be firing him shortly. Also, he has a problem with mopping muddy Altadorian petpets you might be able to fix. CAGES! What a wonderful idea! Muhuhahahaha!


Sincerely your pal,

King Altador of Altador

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