Caution: Quills may be sharp Circulation: 175,202,586 Issue: 366 | 30th day of Collecting, Y10
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The Haunted Toilet


by tj_wagner

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I know you wanted us to write a true story. In fact, I can just see your red ink pen trembling between your Island Krawk fingers - prepared to give me a bad mark. But wait a second, Miss Talia. This is a true story, and it was one of the scariest that ever happened to me. It was truly something I’ll never be able to forget.

      It all began about this time last year. We had just had a new neohome built, when one of the workers accidentally broke the toilet in the bathroom. It was a freak accident really, but Mama decided to get a new toilet right away.

      You met Mama during the last parent teacher conference. Do you remember? She’s a Faerie Krawk, and most people say she’s pretty. (I think she just looks like a mom.) However, there’s a side to her that most people don’t know about it. She can get this look on her face and start in on such a lecture. It’s really scary. There was this one time we were coming back from Neopia Central when the Pant Devil suddenly appeared. He was ready to steal something from us, when Mama caught him with ‘the look.’ Next thing I know, she’s launched into one of her lectures and the Pant Devil was the one who was scared. He actually gave us a few things, with the agreement that he and Mama never cross paths again.

      Anyway - back to the toilet. Mama didn’t want a broken toilet in her nice, new bathroom, so she decided to go to the store to get a new one. I didn’t want to go with her because it was shopping. Mama is a master at haggling, and is always trying to get the cheapest price. I know that’s a good thing, but it’s embarrassing - especially when a few of the shopkeepers yell and kick you out. Still, my little brother Randy and I had to go. I don’t think you’ve met Randy, but he might be in your class next year. If you see a small, yellow Poogle next year, make sure to tell him you were my teacher. Then, give him a hard time. Just kidding.

      We hurried to town and starting going from shop to shop. Some of the shop keepers actually moaned when they saw Mama, and two actually closed their shop. Yet, despite Mama’s efforts, she hadn’t found a toilet at the price she wanted. Finally, we came to a shop in the far corner of the marketplace. It was small and dirty, but Mama didn’t even seem to notice. She went right in and started haggling.

      She and the shopkeeper talked for quite a bit, but they couldn’t seem to agree on a price. Finally, the blue Zafara sighed and said, “I do have one toilet I could sell you for the price you want. It’s not the prettiest, but it works.”

      Now, I had always believed a toilet was a toilet, but that was before I saw this thing the shopkeeper had. Immediately, I just didn’t like it. The toilet was a dingy grey color, as if it was dirty, but it almost seemed to glow in the dim light of the shop. Their was a fine crack on the back, which almost looked like a Spyder’s webbing. However, the shopkeeper assured Mama that it was, “...purely cosmetic.” I wanted nothing to do with this creepy toilet, but Mama went right on haggling. Finally, they came to and the toilet was ours. The shopkeeper had an assist go to our neohome with us to install the toilet.

      With the toilet installed, our neohome was finally complete. It was a happy day and, truthfully, even I was excited. Still, I hated using that bathroom. I would if it was an emergency, but there was something about that toilet that still bothered me. Sadly, things were only going to get worse.

      Soon, strange things began to happen. No matter how often or how hard we shut the bathroom door, the door wouldn’t stay shut. There was also this terrible smell, as though Randy had eaten a Tyrannia Omelette that had stayed out in the sun a little too long before visiting the bathroom. (He’s done that before. It really stinks!) However, Randy was as bad as me about avoiding the toilet. Mama tried to keep a lit candle in the bathroom - the kind that’s supposed to smell good, but the candle would flicker out no matter how often she lit it. It was also really cold in the bathroom, although the one small window was tightly shut. I tried to ignore all of this, but I knew something was wrong.

      One day, Mama had gone over to our neighbor’s neohome, and that’s when it finally happened. I had been working on my homework, when I went to the kitchen to get a can of neocola. In the hall outside of the bathroom, Randy was sitting on the floor. “What are you doing?” I asked.

      He looked up. “I need to go,” he answered, “but I’m afraid. The toilet looks evil now.”

      “What are you talking about?” I questioned, laughing a bit. “It doesn’t look evil. It’s just an old, ugly toilet.” As I spoke, I stepped into the bathroom. However, my brave words ended quickly when my eyes fell upon the toilet.

      I had changed. The lid seemed to curve more, as it was a great mouth and without the fine webbing of cracks, there were two dark spots like eyes. As I looked at it, I swear those eyes blinked and turned towards me. The curve of lid grew into a great evil smile. It seemed to be sizing me up, as if thinking a green Cybunny like me might make a tasty meal. I jumped backwards into the hall and landed beside Randy. Suddenly, the entire bathroom seemed to filled with an evil laughter that echoed and grew. Mama’s candle lit up by itself, and the flame shot up nearly to the ceiling, filling the bathroom with a red, flickering glow. The air was rank with a terrible smell. I stared at the bathroom, not knowing what to do.

      “What’s going on?” a voice called from the front doorway. It was Mama! I tried to yell to her, but I couldn’t seem to say a word. Luckily, she walked back to the hallway where Randy and I were sitting. “What are you two doing sitting in the hall?”

      I couldn’t answer, but Randy managed to point towards the bathroom. The laughter began again, as the candle blazed like an inferno. Mama frowned and stepped into the bathroom.

      “What are you doing?” she asked the toilet. Her voice was amazingly calm.

      For the first time, the toilet spoke. “I’m the great ghost that haunts this toilet,” it said, “and now I haunt this bathroom. This room is mine! Get out, you insignificant creature!”

      “So this room is yours?” Mama asked, and even from the hallway, I could see Mama giving the toilet ‘the look.’

      “Yes,” it growled, slamming the bathroom door a few times for emphasis.

      “Well, this is my neohome,” Mama said, “and since this bathroom is in my neohome, I guess you’re renting it from me. Now, how many neopoints do you think you should pay to rent this bathroom?”

      “What?” The toilet actually sounded confused. I don’t think anyone had ever talked to it like that before. “I don’t pay rent!” it shouted. “I’m haunting this bathroom!” It laughed and roared, trying to scare Mama.

      It didn’t work. “Your breath is terrible,” Mama said. Quickly, she grabbed some toilet bowl cleaner and poured a bunch inside of the toilet’s laughing mouth. The laughter stopped as the toilet began to choke.

      “That should help your bad breath,” Mama continued, as if this was all normal. “Now, let’s talk more about rent. You can’t just live in someone else’s neohome for free you know. You have to pay. Now, you’ve already been here for a while, and I even cleaned you a few times. That will have to be extra. Plus, you’ve made yourself an awful nuisance with the smell and the blowing out of my nice candles. We’ll have to come up with a rental agreement.”

      The toilet actually seemed stunned. “But I’m a ghost,” it squeaked pathetically.

      “Ghost or not, you need to learn proper manners,” Mama replied, “and you can’t just be a freeloader. No, we need to make an agreement right here and now.” Now that she started, nothing was going to stop Mama’s lecture. It was just like that time with the Pant Devil.

      Randy and I knew it was all over for the toilet then. It tried to argue a few times, but Mama was just too much for it. There was loud cracking noises and finally, the toilet exploded. You could hear the ghost crying, “Stay away from me! I’ll never haunt you or your bathroom again, I promise!” Then, as suddenly as it all began, it was over. The toilet lay in pieces and the ghost had seemingly vanished. Mama stepped out of the bathroom calmly and looked at my brother and me.

      “Get your coats,” she said. “We need to head back to that shop. I think that shop keeper owes us a new toilet.”

      I groaned a bit, but I couldn’t help but smile. I realized at that moment how special Mama really was - not even a ghost in a toilet could stand up to her. That poor shopkeeper didn’t know what was heading his way!

      In the end, we got a brand new toilet, and this one doesn’t talk. So, that’s my true story, Miss Talia. I hope you liked it!

The End

 
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