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Top Ten Brain Substitues for Vegetarian Zombies

by seahorsepond


After the release of the Zombie Paint Brush, many owners found their beloved pets were staggering around moaning, “Braaaaains.” But what about the poor zombies who are vegetarians? This article was written for those owners who want to keep their pets away from the Brain Tree, Mutant Kacheeks, and very intelligent Neopets players. *cough* So read this, and please hurry; I just saw a group of zombies planning a field trip to see the Brain Tree (no need to pack a lunch, the meal will be provided).

Here is a list of the top ten suggested brain substitutes for zombie pets:

1) Asparagus

Why not? Whose favorite food ISN’T asparagus? Any zombie would be overjoyed to receive asparagus for supper. I mean, it’s all cool and crunchy, not to mention the lovely green bits that get stuck in your teeth. I suggest you get the White Chocolate Asparagus Souffle for your pet. It’s a perfect mix of souffle and crisp asparagus topped with a generous dollop of melt-in-your-mouth white chocolate.

Just remember that sometimes things hide in the succulent stalks of Asparagus officinalis. These critters may include, petpets, petpetpets, certain colors of Chia, certain neopets team members and Aishas. Aishas you say? Just trust me on this one; I know what I’m talking about (most of the time).

2) Bran Muffins

If your zombie is having a hankering for a breakfast of brains, why not give it a bran muffin? My favorite type of bran muffin is the Acara Bran Muffin. You can’t miss it; it’s in the shape of an Acara’s head. If having a plain bran muffin seems a bit boring, you can call it an “Acara BRAIN Muffin”. That always works for me (as long as there are no Acaras around; I learned that the hard way... but that’s a whole different story).

3) Kelp

Make sure to go with the Giant Green Kelp. In it’s description it says “Pretty, but too tough to chew.” That’s not true; no matter how rotted your zombie’s teeth may be, the chewy, leafy greens are fine. If the kelp is still fresh it should be slimy too, making it a great brain substitute.

For all zombified Neopets with more refined tastes, the Maraquan restaurant Kelp is perfect. Besides, after having eaten there myself, I can say that the food is just as slimy and tasteless as seaweed you catch whilst fishing. No need for an acquired taste, right?

4) Peanut Butter and Jam Sandwiches

Gooey jam and peanut butter that sticks to the roof of your mouth. Ah, bliss. When eating brains doesn’t seem to cut it, nothing works better than peanut butter and jam for curbing the appetite. If you can find a Peanut Butter and Jam Sandwich, your undead pet will never stop thanking you.

You could make your own sandwiches if you liked. Just don’t forget to remove the crust, use crunchy peanut butter instead of smooth, and my favorite jam is strawberry (no offence to strawberry pets). If you don’t remember exactly what your pets like, they’ll complain and annoy you, they’ll drive you nuts, and then you’ll be in a jam (wow, two bad puns for the price of one).

5) Plushies

Why not? They have a nice squashy texture, and if you don’t tell your zombie, they’ll probably never know what they ate. But for the sanity of Neopia, only feed cheap plushies to your pets.

6) Jelly

Jelly has the same slimy, jiggly, squishy texture as brains, but it’s much healthier (especially for the pet spared its brain). Another plus is that whilst brains come only in brain flavor, jelly has many flavors for adventurous eaters. Who wouldn’t like spicy Cornupepper Jelly or, um, interesting Glowing Jelly? Add some variety to your zombie’s diet with jelly; just be careful not to overdo it. Some owners who have fed their pets too much jelly claim that their pets suddenly start rambling on and on about a “land of jelly”. Totally unbelievable, right?

7) Beans on Toast

Just like the Bran Muffins, your zombie can call this treat “BRAINS on Toast” in order to impress its friends. All you need to do to prepare it is, one, toast some bread, two, spoon some beans on it. Yes, Beans on Toast is as easy to prepare as it is to eat.

8) Cherry Pie

Make sure this is Cherry-tastic Faerie Pie; no cherry pie can compare. From the view of a passerby, the light pinkish filling of this pie looks like (insert drum roll here) ...brains. The downside of this treat is it doesn’t taste like brains in the least; it tastes like light and fluffy fuzz. The cherry pie also has the nutritional value of a wimpy marshmallow and is about as filling. No offence, Fyora, but what else could you expect of a dessert from Faerieland?

9) Mashed Potatoes

A brain substitute that is second-to-none (though it may be ninth on this list). Adding a bit of red food color could make a healthy dish of mashed potatoes look more like a lumpy brain. What vegetarian zombie could ask for more? If you want MY opinion, Garlic Mashed Potatoes are the best. They ruin your breath for a month and come in a little collectable dish that looks like garlic bulb.

10) Spaghetti

Ah, spaghetti. This delicious choice is a no-brainer. (Yes, really bad pun intended. Sorry.) It looks more like brains than some brains do! Just be careful to avoid meatballs for your little zombie. Spaghetti with Altadorian Sauce should do the trick. It’s been imported all the way from Altador, so it has to be better than good. The best thing about spaghetti is how you can slurp the noodles loudly and make everyone nearby lose their minds. That’s the point, right?

All of these wonderful meal choices are both (for the most part) cheap and tasty (well, at least not overly revolting). Now that you know what to feed your precious little eldritch Neopet, GO! And tell your pet I said “Hi”.

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