Caution: Quills may be sharp Circulation: 176,434,926 Issue: 338 | 11th day of Eating, Y10
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

Note to Sloth

by mookie99


Dear Lord Sloth,

I’m ashamed of you. After all your hard work, you managed to ruin your only chance to conquer Neopia in years. I’m sure it’s not completely your fault—that pesky Resistance certainly didn’t help—but you could have easily prevented your loss.

Now, I could write to you about why you lost, but ultimately, that would pretty much just be about how you were a clichéd evil villain. Not that that’s a bad thing, of course. Having people realize you’re evil is a good way to recruit minions, if only because it makes it easier for people to pick sides. And ultimately, if no one picks a side, it’s as if you gain zero minions... compared with the numerous people that would oppose you no matter what.

But unfortunately, being a clichéd evil villain is never a good thing. I’m sure you’ve realized that, and won’t underestimate your enemies in the future. I’m also sure you won’t keep magical artifacts that could easily defeat you in your base under no guard whatsoever. Instead, put them into a black hole where they belong... or throw them into the sun... or melt them in acid... or just have them under constant guard on a planet several galaxies away from your location.

However, as I said earlier, I’m not going to write to you about how you lost. As much as I hope you realize that you’ve made some bad decisions, I realize that I, a lowly minion, couldn’t possibly change your mind.

Something I could advise you on would be your choice of plans. After all, your current one failed, so you probably need another. And while my plans could never be as good as yours, at least you don’t have to do any work thinking it up. And when you have a stressful job (such as an evil overlord), you need lots of time to relax.

My plan is for you to stop trying to turn everyone into a mutant. Face it—there are lots of people that won’t support you no matter what. So if you capture innocent civilians, the only way to make them serve you would be with a mind control device, and we both know that it only works once a year.

Besides, do you really want a bunch of mutants opposing you? I wouldn’t. Mutants are much more powerful than average pets, so you would essentially be strengthening your opposition.

However there is something you can do that won’t help your foes. You can turn everyone grey. Grey pets are always gloomy, and gloom and doom go hand in hand. So if you make everyone grey, you’re already halfway to your goal of doom-y goodness. Besides, would you really want to rule a planet of happy pets? I think we can both agree that the only type of planet that’s being ruled by an evil overlord should be one where the civilians are miserable. If they weren’t constantly miserable, they’d expect you to do stuff for them, like feed and entertain them. And let me just say that the Soup Faerie would NOT help you.

Being grey also has other perks. For one, grey pets tend to be less likely to get excited about things. Considering the fact that most pets would never serve you, this essentially means that there would be fewer people opposing you. That would make it a lot easier to rule.

However, making all of Neopia grey has other perks as well. For one thing, pets aren’t the only citizens of Neopia. There are also those cursed Faeries... with the exception of Jhudora, who is almost as evil as you. Almost. If you were to make all the Faeries grey, they would lose their powers. No Faerie magic would mean that Faerieland would crash into the ocean. Which would be hilarious. Besides, it would be sweet, sweet revenge against the Space Faerie. No Faeries opposing you would also make conquering Neopia easier.

But how could one make all of Neopia grey? There isn’t some sort of de-coloring ray you could use. However, perhaps a giant super-laser isn’t always the best choice. In your previous plots, you’ve tried to create a super-laser, and both those plots failed. In one plot, the laser was turned against you. In your most recent, you had to mine lots of Kreludite to power it. The more preparation and steps a plot requires, the less likely it will succeed. Therefore, a simple plan would be more efficient.

What could you do to turn Neopia grey? Well, the Faeries would be easy. If you take away their names, they become grey. Obviously, there are a finite amount of names for Faeries, so you could probably create some sort of device to eliminate names. A list of all the Faeries must be somewhere in Faerieland, so if you could destroy the list, all the Faeries would lose their names. That would be an easy method of defeating those pesky Faeries.

As for the pets, that could be more difficult. Sure, you could add “and he turns your pet grey” to your “Dr. Sloth demands your neopoints for his invasion tax!” random event, but it’s too random. As I said earlier, there isn’t really an effective way to de-color pets either. The amount of paint required would be enormous as well. And while I’m sure you, with your superior intellect and bottomless resources, could get enough paint to make all of Neopia grey, you wouldn’t be able to paint anything indoors... or underground... or not near the Rainbow Pool.

As a result, I recommend thinking of another method. For one thing, all grey pets are gloomy. Logically, all gloomy pets must be grey. Therefore, if you could make everyone gloomy, you would make everyone grey.

How could you make everyone gloomy? The first step would be to change the weather. Rain is gloomy, so if you built a weather machine to cause eternal rain, that would make everyone gloomy. It would also have the added benefit of blocking out the sun.

For the rare people that like the rain, you could ally yourself with the Down for Maintenance Pteri. I know that it makes me sad when there’s maintenance. Therefore, if everything were constantly being maintained, people would become very gloomy.

I hope I’ve managed to convince you that for your next plot, you should make everyone grey, not mutant.

I hope your next plot comes soon.

Your loyal minion,


Search the Neopian Times

Great stories!


Twilight: A Faerie's Fall
Like her playmates, she was, of course, without an element, and without any magic to command. That was why, in the gentle warmth of the late summer evening, Lumina was being kept safely indoors...

by rainbow_daydreamer


Learning to Accept
Yes, indeed, Lil and Shirly used to be one of Neopia's wealthy, high up on the society ladder with the avatar collectors, the Battledomers, and the restockers...

by liz4rd


Why They Don't Wear Clothes!
There are three neglected segments of the Neopet population that, sadly, can't don clothes or hand-held accessories. These are the Baby Neopets, the Maraquan Neopets, and the Mutant Neopets...

by indulgences


The Not-So-Fake Friendship
Today is the day I take revenge on someone I never met, and never wanted to take revenge on...

by rotty_paws

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.