Meow Circulation: 177,073,878 Issue: 334 | 14th day of Running, Y10
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

A Letter to Neopia, Beware of Illusen!

by anjie


Also by chivo

Dear Insignificant Folk of Neopia,

If you are reading this, it means that the good folk at the Neopian Times are not prejudiced enough to avoid publishing something merely because it is written not by a dark faerie, but by the hated foe of Neopia's beloved Illusen. It has been said that I'm more a Faerie of actions, rather than words. This may be true. I am not Fyora, willing to grace you all with soothing words of comfort in times of distress, nor am I that pitiful creature who runs the Faerieland Library. I've never seen her do anything BUT talk in hushed tones. I prefer action. I prefer instilling terror, plotting to take over...

Oh. I apologise. Where was I? Ah yes. Letter writing. So the question lingers, dear Neopets. Why would I, a Faerie so dedicated to action, simply sit down and try to express myself in mere words? The solution is simple. To venture down from my dark cloud upon the day you dedicated to Illusen is not an appealing thing to me. There are some crazy folk out there whom some of you call Chia Police, and they've more than once insinuated that I might be involved in Illusen's frequent absence from her glade every Jhudora Day. Honestly, the victimisation of dark faeries goes beyond a joke in Neopia, doesn't it?

This is but one example of why I would suggest you've all chosen to adore the wrong Faerie. Everywhere I go it's Illusen's praises being sung. I fail to understand why Neopets think she and I are so different. We both await your presence at our door, we both send you scuttling off in search of items. We both have wings and long hair. Is there such a difference, Neopia? And yet I am constantly subjected to you all admiring that glade dwelling ninny! Again and again I hear her receive the same compliments and believe me, Neopians, when I say I'm fed up!

"Oh, Illusen, you're so kind! You grace us with quests!"

Quests? I run quests too, Neopia. And not one of you has been bright enough to conclude that the quests are little more than methods of getting you to do our bidding. We hand over a pittance and you gladly scuttle off to seek whatever we might request, never stopping for a moment to question what a Faerie needs with say, a pair of Wellington boots. My quests are just as interesting as Illusen’s. Oh, certainly, my poisonous lollipops are a little more out there than that cucumber eye cream junk she insists on handing out. But at least my prize is what it is. It's a lollypop that will indeed, make your pet ill. What is Illusen trying to suggest by handing out eye cream? Think about that, Neopets.

"Oh, Illusen! Your glade is so pretty and green!"

Don't you think too much green is a little bit of a Neopian Fashion Faux Par? Sloth is green. The Esophagor is green. Yet not one of you seems to think the color is charming when villains adopt it. It's only Illusen who can parade around with more green than Edna's cauldron can glow with. And her glade. That wretched glade! How does a collection of scattered, damp trees compare to the mystical wonder of my own cloud? It's a floating fortress, aloft and drifting above Neopia. Yet you're all fascinated by a clump of grass.

"Oh, Illusen! You created the Honey Potion!"

Don't even get me started on that potion! Sloth hands over a potion and you all get suspicious, crying about mutation. Illusen hands out a weapon used to harm other pets in the Battledome and everyone adores her. The prejudice against those Neopians who might have tiny, teeny shadows in their pasts, I tell you! For doing the same amount of quests for me, I'll hand over the mysterious, famed Dark Shroom. Doesn't it sound more dangerous than a sticky potion, seeing weapons are apparently what impresses you people?

"Oh Illusen, the prizes you so kindly give us!"

Not one of you Neopets has questioned what your beloved Illusen is attempting to suggest by handing over items such as Rain Water Shampoo, Mud Mixture and Illusen’s Comb? My gifts may be a little on the toxic side, but they don't attempt to imply that Neopets lack appropriate levels of personal hygiene!

"Oh Illusen, the Neopedia claims you alone may have witnessed Jhudora's evil!"

Witnessed my evil? Consider this. If, as the Neopedia claims, Illusen was the sole witness to some grand wicked act I performed, why has she cowered away, living in an isolate glade? Shouldn't she be out telling the Neopets of this world, raising an army with to prevent me from committing more atrocities? From this we can conclude that dear Illusen is either lying about what she's seen, or simply a coward.

"Illusen's Novel is such a fascinating book!"

I have books written about me too, you know. Jhudora’s Quests is an amazing read. The description on the back states that the book is 'Funny anecdotes from Neopets who have been asked for the strangest things by Jhudora.' Funny anecdotes! Doesn't it sound warm and friendly? It also has a very impressive glowing cover, Illusen seems unable to associate herself with anything that isn't green and brown, though you and I know those shades went out of style back when Krawks were mere petpets!

"I have to get an Illusen Snowglobe, it's so pretty!"

Because a snowglobe encased in a rotten old piece of bark is indeed charming! I have a snowglobe of my very own, the famed 'Jhudora Snowglobe.' Mine, which is a beguiling creation encased in an indigo claw, is in fact rarer than that of Illusen. So it seems someone out there at least thinks I'm pretty special.

"Have you tried Illusen Day Pizza? It's delicious!"

How many times have I heard deluded Neopians rambling about this snack? It's pizza served on a leaf! She's not even generous enough to offer a plate. And don't give me that whole 'Washing up takes time!' spiel, either. I offer you Jhudora’s Exploding Muffins. A food and also an exciting surprise if you wait too long to bite into one. Now THAT'S an interesting snack choice!

"The Illusen doll is so pretty!"

Does Illusen have a doll that looks like her in the Hidden Tower? I don't think so. Consider this, lowly Neopets. The Hidden Tower, mysterious and secret, is the beacon which calls to all who seek valuable and precious items. Within its hallowed walls are our realm's greatest treasures. Weapons so powerful the most seasoned Battledome pet yearns for them! Magical items whose effects cannot even be guessed at! The famed Faerie Queen Doll, the enchanting Fountain Faerie Doll. Both Faeries Neopia admires and adores. Consider that my doll too, is on those Hidden Tower shelves, while Illusen's is nowhere to be seen.

No, nowhere to be seen because it's not important, not because I stole it!

Let me add this further complaint, while I'm in such a chatty mood. Each day when some of you rush off to post on the Neoboards (often to ramble about the many fine things Illusen has done, no doubt!). Did you ever notice that her image is the featured icon for the Beauty Contest board? Why don't I feature on any board? I rather think I would make a charming mascot for the Help Chat. Not because the Help Chat is evil, no. But because I love to help. I love to give. I adore having the chance to mingle with kind folk, just like the Help Chatters themselves!

Perhaps, Neopia, you shall put this letter aside as the angry ramblings of a wicked faerie. But if even one pet stops and considers the points I have so carefully examined and offered, then realises that they've chosen to adore the wrong Faerie, then my attempt to turn pets against... I mean, my letter will have been worthwhile, won't it?

Yours with attempted honesty,

Jhudora of the Dark Cloud

Search the Neopian Times

Great stories!


One Fish, Two Fish
Jhudora? Do you mind?

by fish_puddle


The How To of Adventures
Adventures: very few Neopians have them. It takes time, effort, creativity and skill to create a fancy one good enough to display proudly on your page.

by yummmykake


Advanced Sakhmet Solitaire 101
We all know the ultimate goal of Sakhmet Solitaire is to clear all the cards out from the columns (at the bottom of the screen) into four Ace Piles (at the top). But what do you do to get there?

by doomzdayblaze


200 Meters Of Illness

Art by invalid_character

by bartdrunkeys

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.