Caution: Quills may be sharp Circulation: 177,117,108 Issue: 321 | 7th day of Celebrating, Y9
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Neopian Book Reviews

by qazx301


Neopia is full of wonderful books. The elite book reviewer is a respected Neopian, who works hard every day to bring Neopian readers the knowledge of recent publications. Many Neopians read reviews of these to select which one to read next. If you are one of these Neopians--read something else.

Algebra: This book tells the heartbreaking story of Al the Nimmo and Gebra-abc123, his loving owner. They are separated, and journey across Neopia to meet again--Oh, wait. That’s what the last owner of the book doodled in it. This book is about math!

Flotsam Swimming Lessons: Since Flotsams live underwater, it makes perfect sense for them to need swimming lessons. It also makes sense these lessons are written in a book that will fall apart the moment it gets in the water.

Kiko-Fu: This book is about the ancient Kiko method of combat. But I can still fight Kikos, because their arms are too short to land a punch. The lack of legs will also contribute to what will be an interesting fight.

Kiko Food: The 1001 recipes in this book were written by the number one Kiko chef, Monsieur Le Croque. Despite being a famous chef, no one in Neopia has ever heard of him.

Home Surgery for Jetsams: Never, ever, trust a Jetsam with a scalpel. Ever wondered why Pirate pets are missing limbs? One word: malpractice.

Squeaky Elephante Book: Learn how to be a squeaky Elephante! Squeak, my dear Elephantes! Fly away--until you realize your tiny wings can’t support you and crash in front of everyone you know at Neoschool.

The Angry Kau: According to this book, Kaus glow red when they get angry. Do they glow green when they’re happy? Does that mean Glowing is the opposite of Gray?

Kiko Food Guide: Extremely different from Kiko Food.

Cooking for Kougras: I gave this book to my Kougra as a birthday present. She chucked it at my head.

Quiggle Poetry: There once was a happy young Quiggle/ who very much wanted not to be a Quiggle/ for nothing would rhyme/ with his species each time/ so he took a morphing... potioniggle.

Caring for your Spardel: It’s full of tips. One is how not to get so annoyed at your Spardel’s stupid grin you want to stuff him down a Dung Toilet. Oh, and also some stuff about brushing and diet. But I’m sure Sparky loves Stuffed Frog.

Nerkmid Mania: Nerkmids are worth millions of Neopoints. They are for use in the Alien Aisha Vending Machine, a forgotten area that will give you a pile of dung for a golden Nerkmid.

The Ultimate Guide to Lucky Charms: After reading this book, I asked a Cybunny if I could borrow a foot. I didn’t get one, but he did give me a negg.

Green: Sequel to the original best-seller ‘Blue!’

Chomby Dental Care: Every Chomby needs healthy teeth. This amazing book will show you how to tell molars from incisors, healthy gums from sick ones. A roller coaster read! It’s full of excitement--if your idea of fun is watching paint dry.

Lets Play Deckball: This is the story of how an apostrophe was tragically kidnapped from the famous book ‘Let’s Play Deckball’. Sniff. Sniff.

JubJub Manual: How to turn on, run, and fix your JubJub. A friend found this book very helpful when her JubJub broke down in the middle of the Lost Desert. It’s a must for any responsible JubJub owner.

Grarrl Mythology: This book is full of heroic Grarrl literature. From Grog’s defeat of the Stone Skeith to Unga’s love for Nurp, it details some of the most important events in Grarrl history. Only Grarrls are interested in Grarrl history, and they’re lousy readers, so this book has never made the bestseller list.

Grarrl Picture Book: A much easier read.

Lennies in Love: Warning! The pictures in this book depict more than one Lenny at a time. Those with sensitive eyes are warned not to read. Lenny Publishers take no responsibility for injury due to excess Lenny.

Enchanted Butterfly Book: This book has been extremely hard to review due to the fact it flew away when I opened it, dive-bombed my Kougra, and escaped out the window. It was last spotted hiding in a cave on Mystery Island.

Grooming your Faellie: Rule number one: Don’t use flaming combs. They are not as effective as a paintbrush.

Stairway to Kreludor: Five million stairs makes for a long walk.

Jelly World Travel Brochure: This book does not exist.

Playing With Fire: After publication, this book became an immediate success--among the Neopia Association of Dangerous Books.

Grundo Ballet: This form of dance is filled with the most wonderful leaps and jumps. Because it’s performed in space, even a Skeith can dance it.

The Code: This book won the “least useful” award two years in a row. A true read for boring people, if you manage to unlock it, then you still have to break the codes.

Cooking For Skeiths: Why do Skeiths need a cookbook when they can digest anything, including faeries, swords, glass, and Cooking For Skeiths?

Joy of Fruit: How to throw fruit at Neopians who make fun of your writing style. This is my personal favorite.

Fun with Flotsams: Fun with Flotsams describes how to have fun with Flotsams. First, you need to learn how to swim. Then, you need to learn how to hold your breath indefinitely. If you survive this part, you are a Flotsam so... have fun with yourself!

Mini Wocky Joke Book: Jokes for short Wockies.

The Pterrible Pteri: He was pterrible at math, history, and spelling. Once, he went to bed, ptook a nap, and woke up as a smart Pteri--who still couldn’t spell to save his ptootsie.

This Is Nuts: Hear, hear!

Scary Sloth Stories: Sloth’s new superweapon: The Pinkerniser! It’s more terrible than the Sludge ray; it broadcasts an image of Sloth in a pink dress across Neopia. My eyes burn!

Becoming A Spy: This book will self destruct in ten seconds.

The End: Describes this part of the article.

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